Massage Parlor Reports

[Murrican]

The newb who asked the original question is getting a certificate of completion after this course.

Let me add a few more:

RM is like a broken compass. It's kind of directionally right, but leads you astray like 40 pct of the time. Save your money.

Don't ask for service details over the phone. You'll sound like an idiot.

Don't, please don't, be that guy who ends his reviews with "she's a keeper, guys, take good care of her. " Or explains how "she was really into it, or she's an amazing actor. " She had her hand in a circular shape an hour ago, and she will in 20 minutes. And she's good at acting. Know your place.

The bathroom is for emergencies only. Nobody wants you vacating your bowels there.

It's awkward and sucks to say "you're not my type, is there someone else?" You will learn those words are your friends and you'll get more comfortable saying it. Learn to be comfortable saying it. Walk out and you'll be happy you did.

If you have a kink (whatever. You like toes, you want her to call you the pope while she strokes you) pay more. That's just courtesy. The normal rate is for the normal service. Pay more for more and don't make her ask for it.

If she insists on stopping the service so you pay now, right now, never see her again. That's bad manners and should not be tolerated.

Don't leave short water bottles and Chinese candy in your car. It invites questions.

Take Notes fellas -I think this is great advice -except for carrying over $500 $ most of us don't have that to carry around. I know I don't.

[HexenDuction]

I don't really remember that as a problem. Probably because I usually went early on Monday morning! Or. If I became a regular, the lady would slip me in an hour before normal business hours. Unless all the girls are busy bangin' away, the free agent can handle the door. And, a break in the action can lead to more BBBJ to get things rolling again!

Yeah. But shops with no MMS are also the ones where your provider is always interrupting your massage to answer the phone or deal with a customer in the lobby. Every time you hear the motion activated bells up front you know you're going to be sitting in the room awkwardly for like 2-3 minutes.

[Fruit Cake]

1. never accept the water. Agreed.

2. Always get naked. I almost entirely agree, I think once in a while, most recently when I fucked that rodtong girl, I kept my boxers on. If you are squeamish and it is a new place, you might not want to expose your fanny.

3. Don't even put the towel over yourself. This I violently disagree with. These places pay good money for laundry services and just lying naked face up is a little forward. I have no problem with having the towel on. If you by accident got a girl who is legit sort of. Her seeing your crack upon entry may be a turn off. A little mystery please.

4. Lie face down. (Face up looks like you're either trying to hard, or entrapment.). I violently agree. I have been to goldfinger a million times. Lying face up means you have a sex addiction problem.

5. Always ask for 30 minutes the first time. Ambivalent about this one, kind of like watching le bron drive off a cliff in my brand new mercedes. I do not think that getting fucked out of an extra 20-40 is a big deal, but if you would be pissed having paid for an hour for no monkey love, then by all means, go for the 30 the first time. For me, it is not remotely possible anymore for me to get off in 30 minutes.

6. If she asks, hard, medium or light: Always light. Maybe it is my upbringing, but I say medium. If it is too hard, then I send a cautionary memo. Asking for soft upfront, unless you know the girl, I think, is kind of degen.

7. If she asks, "What do you want?" it's a full service place. Are we in 2003 here? I have not been asked what I want in the last 10 years. Any girl who asks that should be immediately take a phoenix university course in sex work. She has to put her hand on your cock. Then she can say. What do you want. But that is not indicative that it is full service. I have not been asked that question without a hand on my cock in a decade.

8. Don't go to a full service place and ask for a handy. They want to make 100+ per customer, and you are wasting their time, so they will rush you. I agree with this and it is the type of precise analysis that I desire. If you go to 8155 and get only a handjob, you are probably homosexual.

Take Notes fellas -I think this is great advice -except for carrying over $500 $ most of us don't have that to carry around. I know I don't.

[PriscillaM]

1. never accept the water. Agreed.

2. Always get naked. I almost entirely agree, I think once in a while, most recently when I fucked that rodtong girl, I kept my boxers on. If you are squeamish and it is a new place, you might not want to expose your fanny.

3. Don't even put the towel over yourself. This I violently disagree with. These places pay good money for laundry services and just lying naked face up is a little forward. I have no problem with having the towel on. If you by accident got a girl who is legit sort of. Her seeing your crack upon entry may be a turn off. A little mystery please.

4. Lie face down. (Face up looks like you're either trying to hard, or entrapment.). I violently agree. I have been to goldfinger a million times. Lying face up means you have a sex addiction problem.

5. Always ask for 30 minutes the first time. Ambivalent about this one, kind of like watching le bron drive off a cliff in my brand new mercedes. I do not think that getting fucked out of an extra 20-40 is a big deal, but if you would be pissed having paid for an hour for no monkey love, then by all means, go for the 30 the first time. For me, it is not remotely possible anymore for me to get off in 30 minutes.

6. If she asks, hard, medium or light: Always light. Maybe it is my upbringing, but I say medium. If it is too hard, then I send a cautionary memo. Asking for soft upfront, unless you know the girl, I think, is kind of degen.

7. If she asks, "What do you want?" it's a full service place. Are we in 2003 here? I have not been asked what I want in the last 10 years. Any girl who asks that should be immediately take a phoenix university course in sex work. She has to put her hand on your cock. Then she can say. What do you want. But that is not indicative that it is full service. I have not been asked that question without a hand on my cock in a decade.

8. Don't go to a full service place and ask for a handy. They want to make 100+ per customer, and you are wasting their time, so they will rush you. I agree with this and it is the type of precise analysis that I desire. If you go to 8155 and get only a handjob, you are probably homosexual.

9. If you leave your hands over the edge of the table, and she doesn't avoid them, but brushes against them, you will get at least an HJ. If she picks up your arm and moves it, she doesn't trust you yet. Yes, but you must master the fine art of always grabbing as they get close. It is part of the social contract.

10. Bring exact change. Meh, you can go full goy on this and bring an odd amount. I get change at goldfinger. But I make so much money at von's due to overtime because of this nasty cold going around that it does not matter to me.

11. This has changed recently, but in the SFV, it used to be that places that charged 40 for 30 were HE places. Places that charged 50 for 30 were FS places. However, there are a lot of FS places in SGV that charge 30 for 30. Since Covid, this has all gone wacky. Your dollar figures sound like the kind of doggerel from that poet they are putting on the quarter. The door fee has very little to do with the output, save for 8155 which charges wacky numbers to get in and fuck their stable.

12. Don't haggle too much. If a girl says the expected tip is 160, and you work her down to 100, do you really think you are going to get good service? You don't have to give the first number requested, but if you do, you are more likely to get the service you expect. Unless, the request is outrageous. Then she is just trying to squeeze you, and will take you for a rube. I agree that negotiation is worth it, but be aristotelian about it and gravitate to the mean. If she says 160 and you say 100 and she counters at 140, that is the end.

13. Always take the shower, when offered one. If you go to a place where showers are not offered, shower before going if you can. You will get better service. I really find this to be questionable advice. Some of these places have the hygiene of a covid19 ward in aleppo. I noticed that goldfinger has a shower, and it looks b plus clean, but unless I am going to get a BBBBBBJ, no reason for the waste of water. A table shower is something different entirely. That is mandatory and compulsive if offered.

14. Be friendly. Smile to mamasan and your provider. Don't be grumpy, stressed and weirded out. They get that all day. Put out good vibes, and you will get good service. If you act like a nervous teenager about to lose his virginity on meth, do you think they will warm up to you? OK. A smile and how are you is fine, but asking about the grandkids and shit at goldfinger really gets on my nerves when I hear it.

15. Don't walk into an AMP broke, or with the exact amount of change. Take a little extra, for those special situations when something magic happens and you wish you had a few extra bucks. I used to walk into an AMP with exactly $80. That's stupid. Always have an extra 100, even if you hide it in your shoe. Any man who does not have at least 500 dollars on him in cash at any time is a useless millennial. I have several credit cards I never use that probably have like 50 k limits. Total nonsense. I always, always, carry at least 1 k in 20's and 50's (never hundreds, you get looked at funny).

[GeezerX]

Many years ago, under a different user name, I wrote a list of observations about AMPs. Much of it still holds true. Priscilla also has a list that is pretty good (stuff like "never accept the water".

Here are a few that I remember:

- Always get naked.

- Don't even put the towel over yourself.

- Lie face down. (Face up looks like you're either trying to hard, or entrapment.).

- Always ask for 30 minutes the first time.

- If she asks, hard, medium or light: Always light.

- If she asks, "What do you want?" it's a full service place.

- Don't go to a full service place and ask for a handy. They want to make 100+ per customer, and you are wasting their time, so they will rush you.

- If you leave your hands over the edge of the table, and she doesn't avoid them, but brushes against them, you will get at least an HJ. If she picks up your arm and moves it, she doesn't trust you yet.

- Bring exact change.

- This has changed recently, but in the SFV, it used to be that places that charged 40 for 30 were HE places. Places that charged 50 for 30 were FS places. However, there are a lot of FS places in SGV that charge 30 for 30. Since Covid, this has all gone wacky.

- Don't haggle too much. If a girl says the expected tip is 160, and you work her down to 100, do you really think you are going to get good service? You don't have to give the first number requested, but if you do, you are more likely to get the service you expect. UNLESS, the request is outrageous. Then she is just trying to squeeze you, and will take you for a rube.

- Always take the shower, when offered one. If you go to a place where showers are not offered, shower before going if you can. You will get better service.

- Be friendly. Smile to mamasan and your provider. Don't be grumpy, stressed and weirded out. They get that all day. Put out good vibes, and you will get good service. If you act like a nervous teenager about to lose his virginity on meth, do you think they will warm up to you?

- Don't walk into an AMP broke, or with the exact amount of change. Take a little extra, for those special situations when something magic happens and you wish you had a few extra bucks. I used to walk into an AMP with exactly $80. That's stupid. Always have an extra 100, even if you hide it in your shoe.

There were a lot more, but this is the gist of it.

By the way, many years ago, I went to an AMP three times. I got Bebe, Cici, and Deedee, in order. Next time I went back, I wondered if I would get Fifi, or maybe just E. Nope, I got Luna. Never a Coco though.

I was reading Yelp reviews for a known FS shop recently. Most were horrible. I figure they intentionally give bad service to scare away civilians. People were complaining about being asked for a $15 tip, shorted for time, etc. Of course. When the providers can earn $100 tip in the same amount of time, why would they want to do a legit rub? You would think they would just say they were fully booked, but maybe that doesn't work if the next person who walks in is admitted (They could always say they had an appointment?) That was in the SGV. I don't think AMPs in the SFV have that problem.

Haha! This is also true and makes me realize how much social context you pick up in this hobby. Unspoken rules and procedures. And there are so many more.

Those signs on the wall say no illicit offers are laughable.

You will meet many girls named Coco. That is not their real name.

You will occasionally misjudge a place as a rub shop when it's legit and you'll feel bad. They will be fine. The last time somebody made this mistake was like five minutes ago. They probably even wonder if they should just take the money.

[Murrican]

Yeah. But shops with no MMS are also the ones where your provider is always interrupting your massage to answer the phone or deal with a customer in the lobby. Every time you hear the motion activated bells up front you know you're going to be sitting in the room awkwardly for like 2-3 minutes.

The best spas do not have a MMS directing traffic. Shops with a "next provider up" honor system are generally the most "open". M&A in Downey, Smile on Santa Monica Blvd, and I'm assuming Chen's, are exceptions. There was a place in San Pedro called JJ Accu Care that slid all the way down the greased pole to hell, going from a HJ shop to a Full Service shop where bare services became available (to me, at least)!

[HexenDuction]

The best spas do not have a MMS directing traffic. Shops with a "next provider up" honor system are generally the most "open". M&A in Downey, Smile on Santa Monica Blvd, and I'm assuming Chen's, are exceptions. There was a place in San Pedro called JJ Accu Care that slid all the way down the greased pole to hell, going from a HJ shop to a Full Service shop where bare services became available (to me, at least)!

Haha! This is also true and makes me realize how much social context you pick up in this hobby. Unspoken rules and procedures. And there are so many more.

Those signs on the wall say no illicit offers are laughable.

You will meet many girls named Coco. That is not their real name.

You will occasionally misjudge a place as a rub shop when it's legit and you'll feel bad. They will be fine. The last time somebody made this mistake was like five minutes ago. They probably even wonder if they should just take the money.

You will be disappointed in the quality of provider. Repeatedly. Both looks and attitude. Surprise: in this business Yelp is not a thing.

Speaking of which, bad Yelp reviews means it's a tug shop.

[PriscillaM]

Looks like their yelp reviews are truthful.

[Murrican]

Haha! This is also true and makes me realize how much social context you pick up in this hobby. Unspoken rules and procedures. And there are so many more.

Those signs on the wall say no illicit offers are laughable.

You will meet many girls named Coco. That is not their real name.

You will occasionally misjudge a place as a rub shop when it's legit and you'll feel bad. They will be fine. The last time somebody made this mistake was like five minutes ago. They probably even wonder if they should just take the money.

You will be disappointed in the quality of provider. Repeatedly. Both looks and attitude. Surprise: in this business Yelp is not a thing.

Speaking of which, bad Yelp reviews means it's a tug shop.

To add one more thing to all this excellent advice: The cheaper the sign out front, the more accommodating the place. If they have a fancy, illuminated sign, with a custom logo and the name of the spa, it is more likely to be legit. The best places are the ones with the simple "Massage" sign on the building, or even better, a canvas / vinyl sign, held on by grommets. It's pretty much an open admission that they expect to be shut down. Best of all are the places with no sign at all. Maybe just decals on the glass windows. An amazing place I once went to in Chatsworth had no sign at all. You had to know it was there. The windows were blacked out with film. I don't think they lasted six months, but it was fun while it lasted.

[GeezerX]

To add one more thing to all this excellent advice: The cheaper the sign out front, the more accommodating the place. If they have a fancy, illuminated sign, with a custom logo and the name of the spa, it is more likely to be legit. The best places are the ones with the simple "Massage" sign on the building, or even better, a canvas / vinyl sign, held on by grommets. It's pretty much an open admission that they expect to be shut down. Best of all are the places with no sign at all. Maybe just decals on the glass windows. An amazing place I once went to in Chatsworth had no sign at all. You had to know it was there. The windows were blacked out with film. I don't think they lasted six months, but it was fun while it lasted.

To add to this excellent advice:

Don't lie. If they ask, yes, it's your first time there. You don't have to say first time ever, just first time there.

A gentle caress on her leg will help put her at ease, and let her set the pace for the session.

Book the thirty min. If they only offer an hour, or try to upsell, walk.

Bring. 6 for HJ. That should be good if that's all you are after. You may get some negotiations about upper or lower access, and, like the rest of us, you play that by ear..

[PlayerN818]

You'll understand when you go your first time, but with your expectations literally anyplace will do. These places are largely interchangeable or this forum wouldn't exist? Pick a place with an awkward sounding name, a neon Open light out front, and a holding area up front that someone has to unlock to get to the massage rooms. Strip naked and put the towel on yourself. And just wait for the words "turn over. ".

To add to this excellent advice:

Don't lie. If they ask, yes, it's your first time there. You don't have to say first time ever, just first time there.

A gentle caress on her leg will help put her at ease, and let her set the pace for the session.

Book the thirty min. If they only offer an hour, or try to upsell, walk.

Bring. 6 for HJ. That should be good if that's all you are after. You may get some negotiations about upper or lower access, and, like the rest of us, you play that by ear.

Deep breaths, because you're going to be nervous as fuck.

Good luck.

[Murrican]

Looking for the best spot to get a decent massage and a HJ. My expectations are pretty low as it will be first time so looks don't matter too much since I'll be excited as fuck. Noob friendly places?

Thanks!

You'll understand when you go your first time, but with your expectations literally anyplace will do. These places are largely interchangeable or this forum wouldn't exist? Pick a place with an awkward sounding name, a neon Open light out front, and a holding area up front that someone has to unlock to get to the massage rooms. Strip naked and put the towel on yourself. And just wait for the words "turn over. ".

[GmJuan]

Looking for the best spot to get a decent massage and a HJ. My expectations are pretty low as it will be first time so looks don't matter too much since I'll be excited as fuck. Noob friendly places?

Thanks!

[LAKoreanMonger]

Anyone got a good MP spot that has pretty latinas?

I have had disinterested sessions with Latinas in the area, they don't usually seem to care.

[PlayerN818]

I have to agree with you on this one. I'm even hesitant to pay MP girls via electronics payments. Hence they have my cell phone number and real name and usually what follows with that is a picture of you on their phone. If LE ever gets a hold of that phone they will be making a phone call to you or me or anyone else on her phone for a statement and bank records.

Call me paranoid (Okay, You're paranoid!) but:

Data base hack? Something happened to one of the girls and there is an investigation?

Cash, masks, and a worry free drive home.