Jokes & Humorous Stories

**John Appleseed** · 06-12-17 10:24

We were messing around in the car waiting for the class to start where I had to write my midterm exam. So to relieve some pressure I suggested a quick one. She agreed. We were in the school parking lot and right when I finished and was about to pull the condom (my GF was in the front seat already) our professor parks right next to us. I was terrified to say the least. He gestured if I was coming to class and said I rolled my window down with my hand on my crotch and said yes. He said, "Do you mind helping me with these papers?" with the best poker face ever! I had no other choice but to say yes. So I pulled my pants up and walked with him with the cum filled condom still on my penis. I was in the class for one hour and 45 minutes and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

**John Appleseed** · 06-08-17 22:57

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. " The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. " The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. " - See more at: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes#sthash. IG7 TERn4. Dpuf.

**John Appleseed** · 06-08-17 22:56

Originally Posted by Wireless91910 [View Original Post]

Was listening to an old Richard Prior concert and fell over when I heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "I'm Leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

Originally Posted by DongQuixote [View Original Post]

Is this the Truth?

The ugly truth.

**John Appleseed** · 06-08-17 22:54

Originally Posted by wireless91910 [View Original Post]

was listening to an old richard prior concert and fell over when i heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "i'm leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

where do i find this girl.

**JoesGarage** · 04-16-17 15:21

https://www.youtube.com/embed/dsYfn8...toplay=1&rel=0

**NightAudit** · 03-30-17 04:37

Working as a Night Auditor can be pretty entertaining at times. From people screwing around in the pool and jacuzzi "excuse me folks. There is a camera right there" although my voy side doesn't really care. Love it that the pool is open. One night a long time ago I received a call from a room. The guest was upset. He said she won't let me touch her. I was like excuse me? He repeated that she would not let him touch her. I asked him if he knew who he was talk too and he said yes and repeated the complaint. I said sir, this is the front desk. He said oh and hung up. 15 minutes later I get the call again. He said he paid the taxi driver a lot of money and she won't let him touch her.

Now my smart ass kicks in. I said sir, I am sorry if you are not happy with the services that we provide. Our manager will be in around 8 am and if you let him know the issue he will provide you with a full refund.

I never did find out if he came down or not but would have loved to have been there if he did.

**Maaarek** · 03-10-17 04:33

Originally Posted by VB012 [View Original Post]

A newbie was seeing her first client. When she got back to her room, her friends (seasoned veterans all) gathered to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a tall, handsome, muscular Marine. ".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked her.

She said "I told him that a straight Fuck was $150, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $100, but he didn't have that much either! Finally, I told him a hand job would be $50. ".

"He agreed and after handling business, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one. " Pausing and raising her eyebrows, she then continued "and then I put the first hand above the second hand. ".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed all the veterans. It must have been huge! What did you do next?

"I loaned him $100!

Heard this, but still funny, one of my favorite.

**Dank Dabs 42** · 02-28-17 11:29

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".

Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?

"$200".

"Shigh, I have only $120".

"Hold on". Wife runs back to Bill.

"What can he get in $120".

"A handjob" Bill said.

Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.

She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".

She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80".

**KiraXXX** · 12-23-16 13:11

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic you use the feather.

Kinky you use the whole chicken.

ROTFLMFAO!

**AllNewTome** · 11-12-16 14:56

http://distractify.com/sex-relations...-cheating-post

Husband Writes Craigslist Post Of Requests To 'The Guy Doing His Wife By Margot Harris.

If penguins have taught us anything, it's that the fallout from infidelity can get pretty ugly. While not every love triangle ends in bloody flippers (please watch the National Geographic penguin home-wrecker video if you're still confused) spurned spouses can still do plenty of damage.

One father and husband is making waves for his unique response to discovering that his marriage had been joined by a third party: a Craigslist post to "the guy doing (his) wife. ".

No, he does not request that mystery gentleman stop sleeping with his wife. Rather, he has some requests about household decorum.

The post appeared in the Reading, PA missed connections section of Craigslist, and it's certainly one for the history books.

The post, shockingly, has been flagged for removal, so we may not be able to see the beautiful prose in its original form any longer. However, the poster's words will live on in our hearts.

"To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife".

The first few requests seem relatively reasonable, TBH just common courtesy things.

"1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old. ".

"2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you. ".

"3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up. ".

"4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

It's the least he can do, right?

After the pleasantries are over, things get kind of vulgar. And depressing.

"5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks). ".

"6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged. ".

"7. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts. ".

Then, the requests spill over into the territory of very thinly-veiled misogyny. We get the bitterness, but it's just not cool.

"8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in. ".

"9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share. ".

There was some whining about a recliner (man problems).

"10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left. ".

In conclusion, the spurned husband offered his (bitter) thanks and a vodka peace offering.

"Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed. ".

"P. S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer. ".

"Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S. ".

Sure, it could be fake but these seem like very specific requests (that took a lot of time to write out) to do simply for fun. Underlying bitterness seems much more likely.

So, which method of dealing with a crumbling marriage to we like better? Penguin fight night or Craiglist ad?

**Wireless91910** · 10-31-16 13:32

Was listening to an old Richard Prior concert and fell over when I heard this sketch about leaving his girlfriend.

Richard; "I'm Leaving you to go find some new pussy".

Girlfriend: "if you had 2 more inches of dick, you would find some new pussy here".

I think that is the ultimate comeback for any girl.

**MyySpace** · 10-07-16 04:33

Originally Posted by Gdlint [View Original Post]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. '.

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours. '.

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked.

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically!

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said.

"Your house!

Lmfao dude gets robbed without knowing.

**DongQuixote** · 08-27-16 20:06

Is this the Truth?

**Ripper69** · 08-23-16 21:12

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he'd agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment at 3359 Haywood Jablomi Drive. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that. 1. It had never been occupied2. There was plenty of heat3. It was smallLast night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat. There is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it. ".