Jokes & Humorous Stories

[DongQuixote]

During debates, the only time politicians tell the truth, is when they call each other Liars!

[Tugeee]

Little Johnny and his family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer". Said his mother. "I don't need to" the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house". "That's at OUR house". Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!

[Gdlint]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. '.

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours. '.

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked.

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically!

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said.

"Your house!

[VB012]

A newbie was seeing her first client. When she got back to her room, her friends (seasoned veterans all) gathered to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a tall, handsome, muscular Marine. ".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked her.

She said "I told him that a straight Fuck was $150, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $100, but he didn't have that much either! Finally, I told him a hand job would be $50. ".

"He agreed and after handling business, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one. " Pausing and raising her eyebrows, she then continued "and then I put the first hand above the second hand. ".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed all the veterans. It must have been huge! What did you do next?

"I loaned him $100!

[Head First]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are laughing send me your smile.

If you are crying send me your tears.

If you are eating send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are awake send me your thoughts.

If you are sleeping send me your dreams.

I love you!"

The husband, typically non romantic replied:

"I am on the toilet.

Please advise!"

[Bottas1976]

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here? He asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up. " The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!

[Titanic Vol]

(Apologies if duplicate).

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. ".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. ".

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. ".

[Head First]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: FOR WOMEN ONLY. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Manager, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Short and Thin.' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Long and Thin.' Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: 'All The Men Here Have It Short and Thick.' They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 'All The Men Here Have It Long and Thick.' The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: 'There Are No Men Here. This Floor Was Built Only To Prove That There Is No Way To Please A Woman!'

[Tha X Facta]

Some guys were sitting in a bar having a conversation.

One of them says,
"What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?"

They think about it for a while, and then one of them answers,
"I want them to say I was a good guy, and that I would be remembered as a very kind man."

The second guy nodded and said,
"Yeah, I want them to say that I didn't deserve to die, and that I had a lot of friends."

The third guy said,
"At my funeral, I want everyone say: "Look! He's moving!"




X

[OHI812]

*Prince Charles was driving around his Mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his Mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, ' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish. '.

'Well, ' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog. '.

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, ' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman called Camilla, ' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again. '.

[ChaosTheory]

Hopefully this video prank will make a hunter think how he handles his business. Got to admit it's a great prank.

http://yamstar.com/car-jacked-while-...lpranksterstv/

[Tha X Facta]

A guy goes to apply for a Government job.

The interviewer asks him: "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yea, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever served in the U.S. Armed Forces?"
"Yea," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That's a bonus toward employment." Then he asks, "Do you have any disabilities?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer displayed a painful grimace and then says:
Okay, that's enough for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is perplexed, and asks:
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.


No point in you coming in for that.



X

[Al Davidson]

A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra, he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite. ".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?

He declines. "The Viagra, he says, "really trashes my desire for food. ".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?

He declines again. "No, he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry. ".

"Well, she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving. ".

[Tha X Facta]

A teacher asks:
I shoot at 5 birds and 2 of them are dead, how many of them are left?

Little Johnny answers:
None! The others fly away because of the sound of the gun.

Teacher: No!
It's a math problem, but I like your style.

Little Johnny:
So I have a question for you teacher -
Three women are eating Tootsie Pops; one of them is licking it, the other one is sucking it,
and the last one is biting it.

Which one is married?

Teacher gets embarrassed and answers:
The sucking one?



Little Johnny: No!
The woman who has the ring on her finger, but I like your style.



X

[Richiboone]

(Apologies in advance if this is already posted).​.

Teacher asks the kids in her third grade class:8203;.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says: "I want to hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest working girl on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ...

"And how about you, Sarah?

" I want to be Johnny's working girl!