Rants and Stupid shit in Orange County

[BSouthgate]

Appreciate your thoughts and good intentions. All of you guys. Not sure there's a wrong or right. Why'know: different strokes (no pun intended) for different folks.

Each of you has hit on some truths, and the rest is just individual circumstances and preferences.

I have to say this now.

A brother recently criticized my advice to a third brother regarding opening up to one's spouse. I had advised a troubled brother who was concerned about his perceived "sexual addiction" to square with his wife and try to get her to accept him for who he was rather than for what she wanted him to be. Alternatively, since he would always be polyamorous and seek relations with other women, he could continue the hobby and cease having sex with his wife. The criticizing brother called my advice reckless because it might lead to divorce.

It is reckless to continue living a lie. It is irresponsible for polyamorous people who have had multiple relationships before marriage to promise their spouses that they will be loyal forever when it is likely that they will not be loyal forever. Many, including myself, have made this mistake.

I married, loved, fathered two children, and secretly led a second life with lovers, affairs, one-night stands, and hookers. My wife contracted asymptomatic HPV and, during her pregnancy, contracted PID. My God! What shame for such disgusting recklessness. She eventually discovered my second life.

To save my sick marriage, I underwent useless sex addiction therapy and absurd 12-step programs and read Patrick Carnes's book, only to find that I could not change my nature. Like a closeted gay guy who dreams every night about cocks, I dreamt every night about pussies, lots of them. The one thing that the addiction therapists got right was that I should have opened up to my wife earlier in my life. What they got wrong was that I could somehow change my nature.

After a six months of celibacy, I picked up a street girl for a joyous hour of uninhibited sex in a hotel room. The shame of that hit me the next day after I had come down from the bliss of the event. Again, I tried celibacy, therapy, "I am Bobby, I am a sexaholic" meetings. I spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours trying to convert.

A month later, on a business trip, I took a dinner companion to my hotel room for a night of orgasmic joy. Again, guilty, guilty, guilty.

Finally, I realized that I would never change. I decided that I could induce my wife to change. I urged her to try swinging groups with me and to go to singles bars to meet new guys and have new experiences. I loved her and wanted her to enjoy the kind of joy I had with other people. No luck. She was not polyamorous. She could not convert, and neither could I. She could not accept me, and I could never change.

I left to live in another country. I divorced.

I finally found a partner who accepts me for who I am. I am delighted with her and want to die in her arms. She is my angel.

So, guys, it is not reckless to tell your spouse. It is reckless not to tell her and to endanger her health without her knowledge. You are not sex addicts or perverts. You are polyamorous. Be honest with her and with yourselves. Accept yourself and rejoice. Polyamorous pride forever.

See my other post on this here.

http://www.usasexguide.nl/forum/show...iction-Reports

[Jhadiib]

There are some app-based counseling services where you can go on a video call with a therapist once a week and it isn't that expensive. Like $30 for a counseling session. Mindspace and Better Help are two that I can think of off the top of my head. You could do that somewhat anonymously without having to worry about actually going to a therapy session and explaining to people why you're in therapy.

Appreciate your thoughts and good intentions. All of you guys. Not sure there's a wrong or right. Why'know: different strokes (no pun intended) for different folks.

Each of you has hit on some truths, and the rest is just individual circumstances and preferences.

[BSouthgate]

There are some app-based counseling services where you can go on a video call with a therapist once a week and it isn't that expensive. Like $30 for a counseling session. Mindspace and Better Help are two that I can think of off the top of my head. You could do that somewhat anonymously without having to worry about actually going to a therapy session and explaining to people why you're in therapy.

Should have figured that some clever therapist would figure out a new way to surreptitiously rip us off for our normal behaviour.

Try it and report back.

[Grimmy23]

Yeah. I knew when I posted that this was an odd place to ask for a therapist referral. LOL.

An even more unlikely place to actually GET the counseling I'm looking for (BSouthgate).

Happy Mongering, gentlemen. I'll figure it out.

There are some app-based counseling services where you can go on a video call with a therapist once a week and it isn't that expensive. Like $30 for a counseling session. Mindspace and Better Help are two that I can think of off the top of my head. You could do that somewhat anonymously without having to worry about actually going to a therapy session and explaining to people why you're in therapy.

[BSouthgate]

Yeah. I knew when I posted that this was an odd place to ask for a therapist referral. LOL.

An even more unlikely place to actually GET the counseling I'm looking for (BSouthgate).

Happy Mongering, gentlemen. I'll figure it out.

I understand precisely what you are going through. I have been there. I wasted thousands on sex addiction therapy. I wasted hours at "I am Bobby. I am a sex addict. " 12-step meetings. After all the useless therapy and meetings, I divorced my former wife, realizing that "I am who I am. I am polyamorous".

I found my way out of the shadows of shame and guilt and into the light of self-realization. I am now married to a truly loving woman who understands me for who I am, not for what her church tells her I should be. I enjoy her love immensely as well as an occasional visit to the massage parlor.

Polyamorous of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your shame; you have a hell of a lot of pussy to win.

[James D 2004]

Coffee is an addiction. But it's affordable for most people. Numerous studies claim that coffee is beneficial (probably sponsored by Starbucks). It's not going to hurt any other people. If you want to save some money paying for sex, go for counseling by all means if you think it will work. Sex by itself is not harmful and somewhat self-regulated. I don't think you need to suppress your urges; that's evolution.

Guilt is what you feel. If your sexual urges are not satisfied by your SO, it's only natural to find satisfaction somewhere else. Just don't let your religion or morality get the better of you.

By definition, I'm somewhat in a polyamorous relationship. I have various (paid) partners, and they have other partners. Do I like it? Hell no. Do I like my ATF being fucked by other clients and put their dick into her mouth? No. But for money makes it OK; I can't afford exclusive. If she goes to bed with another person because she likes it, I'm jealous. I'm not only paying for pure sex and attraction. I need more to get more buck out of the money.

Am I mono or poly? I tend to settle down on the one who satisfies me most and enough. But mostly I'm in various stages of audition.

[Jhadiib]

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and can run your life the way you want to. But to advise others to follow your path, is reckless. For anyone considering doing what BSouthgate is advocating; Once you let the cat out of the bag, there's no going back. You will never know how your partner will react to this news. If you do decide to go down this path, be prepared for the consequences, upto and including divorce.

Yeah. I knew when I posted that this was an odd place to ask for a therapist referral. LOL.

An even more unlikely place to actually GET the counseling I'm looking for (BSouthgate).

Happy Mongering, gentlemen. I'll figure it out.

[BSouthgate]

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and can run your life the way you want to. But to advise others to follow your path, is reckless. For anyone considering doing what BSouthgate is advocating; Once you let the cat out of the bag, there's no going back. You will never know how your partner will react to this news. If you do decide to go down this path, be prepared for the consequences, upto and including divorce.

If he takes the path of sex addiction treatment. Part of that treatment is to square with your partner. And if you do not square, you have to continuously lie about why you are going to therapy sessions twice a week, why you have a 12-step sponsor, and why you are taking those pills for ADHD.

SCjohn, if you had read all of my post, including the reference, you would see that I propose another path which is not the ridiculous sex addiction treatment nor letting the cat out. Here is the reference again. http://www.usasexguide.nl/forum/show...iction-Reports.

Jhadiib's problem is not that he needs sex with multiple partners. All of us have this need. His problem, and the problem many of us suffer from, is that we do not want to admit that we are polyamorous. Not even to ourselves, let alone to our loved ones. Polyamorous people need to come out of the closet as gay people did in the end of the last century. Polyamorous people are not sick, perverted or addicted. They are genetically predisposed to a certain sexual preference.

[SCJohn]

Does your wife love you? If she does, she may be much more understanding than you imagine. Consider squaring with her. There are lots of ways you can be fulfilled as a polyamorous man. Some choose swinging. Some partners allow their spouses weekly or monthly trips to the brothel. Think hard about this before you do it. But this might be the best solution to this problem.

.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and can run your life the way you want to. But to advise others to follow your path, is reckless. For anyone considering doing what BSouthgate is advocating; Once you let the cat out of the bag, there's no going back. You will never know how your partner will react to this news. If you do decide to go down this path, be prepared for the consequences, upto and including divorce.

[BSouthgate]

Words of wisdom here. People overthink attraction but what matters is cleanliness and behavior. In countries where it is legal the rules list always say you have to be clean, off drugs, and not violent. The women don't care about your attractiveness. If you are very large they may have to work around it in practical terms, that's all.

I have never had a stripper or SW hop off of me and say you are an old man I'm not doing this. Quite the opposite I present myself well and they let me go to town on them.

Totally agree. Too bad so many of these new MPs do not have showers.

[BSouthgate]

Interesting. I thought poly "amory" was about "love," which is not my problem. Looked it up though, and it seems you're right.

That said, I'm married to a wonderful woman who did NOT sign up for this, and being able to CHOOSE our behavior instead of being ruled by impulse is supposed to be a part of what separates us from the animals, so.

In my case, "adjust (ing) to life as a polyamorous man" would ideally mean learning to live without mongering. Sort of like I don't eat Prime Rib with horseradish or McDonald's much anymore because my cholesterol is high. And sadly. So far. I lack the self discipline for mongering that I seem to have towards my favorite foods.

Before you were married, did you have multiple sex partners? Perhaps Tinder dates? Perhaps, women you met in bars? Perhaps friends at work, college, etc. ? I would bet that your wife is not your first lover. She did not sign up for marriage to a man who needs sex with multiple women. Just like a woman who marries a gay or bisexual man did not sign up for a man who needs sex with guys. But bisexual and polyamorous men cannot change.

With therapy two or three times a week and weekly attendance at those twelve-step programs, with pills for ADHD, your behavior may be reversed. But your nature will never be converted. You will suffer depression and anxiety worse than you now suffer. You will dream about sex with other women. You are likely to slip and have sex with a colleague on a business trip or with a woman you meet in a museum or with a massage girl at Right Spa. You will suffer so much because you are normal and you are trying to force yourself to confirm to what is not normal for you.

There are other ways around this.

Does your wife love you? If she does, she may be much more understanding than you imagine. Consider squaring with her. There are lots of ways you can be fulfilled as a polyamorous man. Some choose swinging. Some partners allow their spouses weekly or monthly trips to the brothel. Think hard about this before you do it. But this might be the best solution to this problem.

Is your wife, like you, secretly polyamorous? You can immediately say "no". But are you 100% sure she is not having affairs, or trysting with work partners or even seeing male masseuses once in a while? She may be suffering from the same ambiguity and guilt you suffer. She may be suffering extreme anxiety because she has to repress normal desires, just like you.

If you cannot open up with her, that is too bad, but there is still a solution. See my post here. http://www.usasexguide.nl/forum/show...iction-Reports.

[Grimmy23]

Interesting. I thought poly "amory" was about "love," which is not my problem. Looked it up though, and it seems you're right.

That said, I'm married to a wonderful woman who did NOT sign up for this, and being able to CHOOSE our behavior instead of being ruled by impulse is supposed to be a part of what separates us from the animals, so.

In my case, "adjust (ing) to life as a polyamorous man" would ideally mean learning to live without mongering. Sort of like I don't eat Prime Rib with horseradish or McDonald's much anymore because my cholesterol is high. And sadly. So far. I lack the self discipline for mongering that I seem to have towards my favorite foods.

I am also very happily married to a wonderful wife. The way I look at mongering is that it's a transactional thing that keeps me and my marriage healthy. Do I feel good that I monger? For the most part, no. Sometimes knowing that I do this makes me feel like a piece of shit. It kills me that I have this little secret part of my life that I'll never be able to let my SO in on. But at the same time I have sexual urges and desires that being monogamous doesn't fulfill. I can't / won't have an actual affair or hook up with a sex partner at a bar. I'd never be able to forgive myself if I did. That's acting on a physical and / or emotional attraction and would fall firmly in the cheating category, and I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever did that. But by going to see a provider once in a while, it's a purely transactional thing where she gets me off, I pay my money, and leave. There's no emotional attachment. There may or may not be a little bit of physical attraction. But once I have my clothes back on and am out the door, it's over, and I likely won't ever see that person again. There are very few providers that I've seen more than once or twice. That's all I normally do, because if I do become a regular it starts to become an attachment, and I don't want that. That arm's length relationship is how I personally deal with it. By going to see a provider to get my pipes cleaned once in a while, I've never had a desire to have a real fling with anyone else.

[FreeWally]

Without exception they say as long as they are clean so if he stank no but they would offer him a shower.

Some chicks won't do cowgirl on a guy that fat because the have to spread their legs and some aren't comfortable in missionary if they are working alone (he dies they are trapped under him).

But the VAST majority don't care as long as you are clean.

Words of wisdom here. People overthink attraction but what matters is cleanliness and behavior. In countries where it is legal the rules list always say you have to be clean, off drugs, and not violent. The women don't care about your attractiveness. If you are very large they may have to work around it in practical terms, that's all.

I have never had a stripper or SW hop off of me and say you are an old man I'm not doing this. Quite the opposite I present myself well and they let me go to town on them.

[Jhadiib]

Some men like sex with men. They are not addicted. They are gay. It is useless to try to "convert" them with therapy or medicines.

Some men like sex with multiple partners. They are not addicted. They are polyamorous. It is useless to try to convert them.

Don't fall for the bullshit about sex addiction. You will always want sex with more partners. It is completely normal. Accept yourself and find a way to adjust to life as a polyamorous man.

See this post for more info:

http://www.usasexguide.nl/forum/show...iction-Reports

Interesting. I thought poly "amory" was about "love," which is not my problem. Looked it up though, and it seems you're right.

That said, I'm married to a wonderful woman who did NOT sign up for this, and being able to CHOOSE our behavior instead of being ruled by impulse is supposed to be a part of what separates us from the animals, so.

In my case, "adjust (ing) to life as a polyamorous man" would ideally mean learning to live without mongering. Sort of like I don't eat Prime Rib with horseradish or McDonald's much anymore because my cholesterol is high. And sadly. So far. I lack the self discipline for mongering that I seem to have towards my favorite foods.

[BSouthgate]

Anyone got recommendations for psych counseling around Costa Mesa, Santa Ana that deals with this stuff?

(I hear that now they're saying it can be related to ADHD).

Sure feels a lot like when I was psychologically addicted to weed back in the 90's and 00's.

Some men like sex with men. They are not addicted. They are gay. It is useless to try to "convert" them with therapy or medicines.

Some men like sex with multiple partners. They are not addicted. They are polyamorous. It is useless to try to convert them.

Don't fall for the bullshit about sex addiction. You will always want sex with more partners. It is completely normal. Accept yourself and find a way to adjust to life as a polyamorous man.

See this post for more info:

http://www.usasexguide.nl/forum/show...iction-Reports