Escort Reports

[Figment]

Found this in another thread. Good for a chuckle for me. Hope others enjoy it as well.

PSA: Ad translations.

If you are confused by what a girl means in her ad, use this translation sheet. There's what she says and what she really means:

Curvy: Fat.

Thick: Fat.

Juicy: Fat.

MILF: Old and fat.

Petite: Short and fat.

Fun Sized: Usually short, always fat.

Wet wet: Fat. Doesn't shower between clients.

BBW: Impossibly fat.

Snow Bunny: White..

Now there's a tried and true public service announcement.

[Tom5679]

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...1/237506711891

Anyone seen her? Love a good Latina.

[Jblaren]

Pics look cute, anyone seen her in person?

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...o/813844853658

She was nice enough when I saw her. If you like petite that is definitely her. My only complaint really was that she is a clockwatcher extraordinaire.

[Bmarr77]

Pics look cute, anyone seen her in person?

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...o/813844853658

[LotharioPK]

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...-/586975317097

Saw this one today. Heather is older, ad says she's 46. Comms were pretty much instant. She gave me heads up that she has some older family members at her incall off of golf side that she takes care of. Which I appreciated, so I wasn't caught off guard when I arrived. But I opted for a BBJ car date anyway so I could avoid the walk of shame LOL.

When I pulled up she came out and hopped in. The apartments she's in has a big lot so I just pulled over in an empty spot and she proceeded to give an "OK" BBJ. It was nice and wet but couldn't really feel it. So I took things over a began to pound away at her face. She took it like a champ but didn't like the finish. Said she hates the taste. So that was a bummer, ended up having to clean up. Other than that she's pretty cool and laid back, no signs of drug use. I'd repeat.

I've never seen Heather, but odds are that the "older family members" are really her BF / Pimp / Dealer, hiding in the back of the room / apartment waiting for you to finish so he can confiscate the donation and / or sell her a little "pick me up". I try to choose girls where this is not the case, but I've never had a problem with a backroom lurker yet even when I belatedly figured out that one was present. Keep your head on a swivel and be more careful than I have been.

As an alternative in the same area, what about:

Layna: https://escortalligator.com.listcraw...roit/172293601.

Last saw her a couple of years ago. Expensive, clock watcher but stunningly pretty and good performance.

Alaina used to be there too, but she stopped posting. Nelly can also be a nice visit nearby, but she often works out of "friends' apartments", which may leave you dating on a couch, a large chair or even a mattress on the living room floor. Not ideal for an old fart like me. Nelly also hasn't posted in a while.

[Itrik]

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...-/586975317097

Saw this one today. Heather is older, ad says she's 46. Comms were pretty much instant. She gave me heads up that she has some older family members at her incall off of golf side that she takes care of. Which I appreciated, so I wasn't caught off guard when I arrived. But I opted for a BBJ car date anyway so I could avoid the walk of shame LOL.

When I pulled up she came out and hopped in. The apartments she's in has a big lot so I just pulled over in an empty spot and she proceeded to give an "OK" BBJ. It was nice and wet but couldn't really feel it. So I took things over a began to pound away at her face. She took it like a champ but didn't like the finish. Said she hates the taste. So that was a bummer, ended up having to clean up. Other than that she's pretty cool and laid back, no signs of drug use. I'd repeat.

[NeilBeil]

Is it just me or have the stated menus of services that a girl will provide that is posted with the ads getting stingier recently? Greek has always (in my brief time in the hobby) been an uncommon.

Offering and BBFS is very seldom seen in legit postings, but now I'm seeing all the "bodily fluid exchange" activities (DFK, DATY, BBBJ) disappear from listings like STG as well. As most of us have experienced, some girls will open their menus up a bit after you see them a few times, but some don't. This is a bit of a problem for me as I very much enjoy DFK, that, BBBJ, etc. And loss of these services diminishes the experience for me.

Is there a larger trend at work here? A new STI I am unaware of that has everyone scared? Direct answers and opinions welcome.

If a girl offers BBBJ, DFK, BBFS, etc. In her ad, she has to provide it for anyone who walks through the door or deal with disgruntled customers. Many providers will offer these services if they connect with you, view you as clean and respectable, and you are willing to pay premiums for said services. They don't advertise them, but they can be had if things go well. I've gotten BBFS from providers that advertise no BBFS. As always, YMMV.

[Significant05]

Is it just me or have the stated menus of services that a girl will provide that is posted with the ads getting stingier recently? Greek has always (in my brief time in the hobby) been an uncommon.

Offering and BBFS is very seldom seen in legit postings, but now I'm seeing all the "bodily fluid exchange" activities (DFK, DATY, BBBJ) disappear from listings like STG as well. As most of us have experienced, some girls will open their menus up a bit after you see them a few times, but some don't. This is a bit of a problem for me as I very much enjoy DFK, that, BBBJ, etc. And loss of these services diminishes the experience for me.

Is there a larger trend at work here? A new STI I am unaware of that has everyone scared? Direct answers and opinions welcome.

I have similar preferences and noticed the same things. Even ads that state 'no bb' which usually just means FS now includes all of the fun stuff. Didn't have much to add on 'why', but interested as it's harder to find a good fit as it is. I will say some have opened it up for more $, so maybe it's an upsell strategy.

[LotharioPK]

Is it just me or have the stated menus of services that a girl will provide that is posted with the ads getting stingier recently? Greek has always (in my brief time in the hobby) been an uncommon.

Offering and BBFS is very seldom seen in legit postings, but now I'm seeing all the "bodily fluid exchange" activities (DFK, DATY, BBBJ) disappear from listings like STG as well. As most of us have experienced, some girls will open their menus up a bit after you see them a few times, but some don't. This is a bit of a problem for me as I very much enjoy DFK, that, BBBJ, etc. And loss of these services diminishes the experience for me.

Is there a larger trend at work here? A new STI I am unaware of that has everyone scared? Direct answers and opinions welcome.

[No Beard]

Found this on Craig's List around 2006. Some are dated / irrelevant now, but still some good ones:

Originally Posted by CL.

Craig's List Secrets Revealed.

Providers:

Please post hourly, we need to know that you're still available and very desperate. Don't forget, posting the same ad two minutes apart gets you twice the responses. Seriously, twice a day per category is plenty. We will see your posts. Posting twice an hour for 12 hours just pisses us off. Personally, once I see the same ad more than three times in a day in the same CL section I start clicking spam and hope that others do the same. This way the next reader will not be subject to the same repetitious bullshit. Spam these guys especially if they are web camers, pushing half price escorts, Viagra, or BS books.

Please post photos that are at least ten years old. If you don't have any then post pictures that are so dark or out of focus that we can't tell if we are looking at your ass or the inside of a coal mine. If this is not available then search the internet for any photo and use that. And, of course, ass shots only. Why would we want to see anything else? Finally, whatever you do, never ever smile. (Honestly, photos are important to us. Don't get upset with us when you describe yourself as a 21 yo, 115 lbs cute blonde but our mother in law answers the door and we walk (if not run) away) Apparently, very few of these providers pay attention to this and still just post ass shots. Come on ladies, give us some boob shots and not just your ass. Also, seeing the same 20 graphics in 90% of the ads doesn't count a photo. Show us something PLEASE! By the way TYPING YOUR ENTIRE AD IN ALL CAPS REPRESENTS SHOUTING AND IS *VERY* ANNOYING.

GFE means a friendly environment. If we want nagging and bitching we'll stay home. Don't be surprised if we expect a kiss. You advertised it, you should provide it.

There are 60 minutes in an hour. If you advertise for a full hour, we expect it. Remember, 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour. Massage parlors? Making us wait 5 to 15 minutes naked on the table for you should not count into the time paid for.

If you say multiple cups, we'll expect you to try and not run for the door after one.

Please keep your rates reasonable. You're not Britney Spears or Pamela Anderson. Your ass may be cute but be realistic.

Non-providers and spammers, please post often. We enjoy wasting time reading your crap.

Shemales, cross dressers and transsexuals, please be honest. We know there are people looking for your services. All we ask is that you tell us up front that is what you are. No guy looking for a woman is going to like finding a cock when he's expecting a pussy. It will avoid any issues that put either side in danger.

Readers: please click on the Spam option on CL. We can all help each other out by cleaning up the junk. Antispam the hell out of the bullshit posts.

It's important to post negative reviews of poor providers. If you get ripped off or locked up then post about it. Save the next guys ass and wallet. If we kill enough of their business they will go back to working in the food service industry (which is a scary thought in itself). Remember, positive reviews are most likely self (or pimp) posted.

Provider posts explained:

420 : Weed, smoke, marijuana. Get it? I can not believe how many times I've had to explain this.

Actress: I fake everything but make you feel good about it.

Actual photos: Yes, they are real photos. They were taken in 1986 and I don't know who the people are in the photos, but I guarantee that these are real, genuine photos.

Affluent gentlemen: Guys with a job.

All American: Applied for a green card.

All natural: Boobs sag past my navel.

Anal: Yes we take Visa and MasterCard.

Anything goes / All languages spoken: You had better have just cashed in a CD, your going to need a boatload of cash to test this theory.

Asian: The twenty first century version of indentured servant.

Available 24/7 : I am so desperate for money that I'll make my self available 24 hours a day, seven days a week until I either drop or pay off my cell phone bill.

BBBJ: Bare back blow job. Oral without a condom, genital warts supplied at no extra charge.

BBBJTCCIMNQNS: Bare back blow job to completion cum in mouth no quit no spit. Translation: I: ll do damn near anything for a buck and forget about the risks.

BDSM: Bondage / Discipline, Dominance / Submission, Sadomasochism / Masochism. Basically IMHO one of the cleverest acronyms ever created. It means you pay to get your ass kicked or to kick ass, usually by a professional Dominatrix / Dom or submissive.

Beautiful: My aunt told me so when I was six.

Blackbook: 101 pick up lines that would have failed on a drunk and stoned woman in the 1970's.

Blonde / red head: With brunette roots.

Bodywork: A really, really bad massage.

Body shampoo: and genital herpes inspection.

Bombshell: You'll see fireworks when my pimp breaks in to rob you.

Busty: Picture rocks in socks. Making mountains out of mole hills.

Car fun: Worlds fastest BJ.

Carmel / light / medium / dark skinned: African American.

CBT (Cock & Ball Torture) : You pay me to kick your nuts.

CD / crossdresser: I don't even try to hide the fact that I am a man.

Classiest place: We change the sheets each and every day.

Classy: Had photos taken by a professional which I exchanged for services rendered.

Clean: I shower weekly.

College student: I look young and people say I am well spoken.

Come here Daddy: I need my allowance you old fart.

Convenient parking: Wear your hiking shoes.

Courtesan: I don't bring anything extra to the table, but I found a thesaurus and my rates just doubled.

Curvy: Large to huge.

The dirty south? : Wildwood. (Southern New Jersey).

DATY: Dining at the why (eating pussy). Saran wrap available (at an extra cost (of course)).

Deep tissue rub: and wallet gouging.

Discreet: My probation officer can't find out.

Discretion assured: Please look towards the partially open closet door on the count of three.

Disease free: What provider is going to admit to being infected? Go at your own risk.

Domination / Dominatrix: BDSM so I can laugh over drinks with my friends later and them all about it.

Don't expect cheap rates: Or clean sheets or good service either.

Driver may answer phone: The driver who takes 80% of the money.

Drug free: My drugs are free if I perform enough services in a day.

Elegant: For a few dollars more I'll wear my old prom dress.

Energetic: Red Bull addict.

Erotic: See freaky.

Escort / escort provider: Same service for $100 more per hour.

European: Russian or Ukrainian.

Exceptional service: You left out the word "bad" in the middle of that statement.

Exotic: Bizarre.

Exotic features: Picture Japanese animation and then add bad make up.

Fantasies fulfilled: You are a really kinky bastard but for the right money I'll play along.

Fantasy girl: My rates are not based in reality.

Financial help: I want more and give you less.

Financially secure: Once I see your car I will base my rates accordingly. (2006 BMW - $300 per hour, 1997 Chevy - $200 per hour, Yugo - $100 per hour).

First time posting: My last cell phone was turned off so I have a new phone number, took a few new pictures and changed my name again.

First timer: Oh yeah, right! Let me guess, you lost your virginity last weekend and you loved it so much you decided to turn pro.

Fitness model: This guy took bikini photos of me once.

Fetish: You think it up and I'll think of a price to charge you.

Foot fetish: I rub you with my feet and try to stifle the laughter.

For your entertainment: I make jokes about your tiny dick or since you came so fast.

Freaky: Freaky.

Friendly: I try not to laugh when you're naked.

Full body massage: A rub and a tug.

Full figured: Big girl (BBW).

Full package: One price for an agreed-upon service before the upselling starts and the tipping begins.

FS: Full service, everything goes. Please, not just a rushed BJ girls.

Generous: Sucker.

GFE: Girl Friend Experience, includes whining at no extra charge.

Girl next door: Homely looking.

Girls who like to party: Yep, usually twice an hour for 18 hours a day.

Goddess: I have a very high image of myself and prices to go with it.

Gone Wild: I've seen the videos and act like the sluts in them.

Gorgeous: The woman in the photos is. If only I looked anything like her.

Gratuity / tip: An additional required fee to complete the already agreed-upon service.

Greek: Hairy. Sometimes refers to anal but it's rare.

Grits: Now that's some good eating! (Girls Raised In The South).

Guarantee: If you believe the guarantee please contact me. I have some beautiful land in Florida you will be interested in at a very fair price that will increase in value within the next ten days. I guarantee it.

Half hour session: Don't bother removing your pants.

Half price: My rates just doubled.

Healthy: I had a salad the other day.

High Class: Prices fit for a King. The short version is you're paying three times what the service is worth or more.

Highly refined: Way to many rules to make the experience enjoyable.

Horny: Just not for you.

Holiday Special: I forgot to buy presents for any of my six kids and need a fast infusion of cash to get them.

Hot: Sweaty.

Hottest place: No air conditioning.

Housecleaner / cleaning: Hide your valuables.

"I am your girl. " : Yours and the rest of the tri state area.

"I don't do. " : Unless the money is right.

"I don't do this very often. " : Only when the rent, or the phone, or the cable, or the oil, or the credit card, or the store charge, or the insurance, or the day care, or the student loan, or the doctor, or the grocery store, or the car payment, or the cell phone, or the gas card bills come in. And sometimes when I need food or drugs. Or when ever my pimp tells me to. But only on days that end with why.

"I have experience. " : I was paid to do this once before.

"I'm new at this. " : The last twelve guys I performed this service on today didn't think I was very good.

"I've never done this before. " : Unless you count the six-a-day posts for the last four years.

Incall: Be sure your tetnus booster shots are up to date.

Innocent: You've got to be kidding.

Island girl: Puerto Rican.

Kinky: Freak.

LE: Law Enforcement, cops.

Leaving soon / last few hours: They gave me the date I need to report to jail or rehab.

Let me warm you up: You'll be sweating your ass off since you'll be doing all the work.

Lick the lollypop: A glorified BJ, mostly a hand job.

Lingham: You sit in a tub for half an hour before a 2 ½ minute hand job.

Lip service: 30 seconds of head, hand job till you finish.

"Looking for a good time?" : My significant other and I will enjoy cocktails and a great meal on what I take off of you.

Low prices: I didn't pay the water bill so I haven't been able to clean up for a few days.

Lustful: Conscious.

Massage: I rub your back as I explain the extra services and prices.

Mature: For those men with an Oedipus complex.

Meet real women in your local area for sex: Pay the fee, find out that no one in your area is interested, try to cancel and enjoy a nine month legal battle with your credit card company.

Metro area: Unless your within 500 years of me there will be an extra travel charge.

Midtown: The boonies.

Mind-blowing: Physical contact available at an extra charge.

Minutes from: You drive an F-16, right?

Model's build: A breastless waif.

Movie star looks: Alien or Predator, you get to pick.

Naughty: "Oh, you're the man. Ooooo, you're so good. You're making me cum! Oops, time is up. ".

Near Airport: I can easily handle all your arrivals, departures and quick get-aways.

New in town: I got busted so often at the last place I was on a first name basis with all the cops.

New location: No one comes to the old place since the raids.

No agency: Even the bad agencies will not deal with me.

No blocked numbers: How else can we get in touch with the blackmail pictures?

No incalls: Mom doesn't allow gentleman visitors.

No rush: Home of the 20 minute hour.

Non Pro: Huh? Are you kidding? If you charge then you are professional. Non-pros give it away. Spare us the comic relief.

Nympho / Nymphomaniac: I pretend to enjoy the experience by actually moving.

Only visiting for X days: And all last month and the next.

Outcall: I come to you so my "driver" can case the place for a B&E.

Petite: breastless.

Playful: Do you mind if I play a few hands of solitaire on the computer as you do me from behind?

Phone sex: I found this photo on the net and I am trying to get idiots to call me for money.

Pierced / piercing: You have to ask?

Pills to get your dick hard: If they work so well, how come you only see the ads on CL? Why do these assholes have to post four times an hour? JESUS H. CHRIST! Do they think that someone has Alzheimer's and is going to place an order for every post?

Porn star: Some guy filmed me without my knowing it and now you can see me in peep shows.

Private location: No one is in the motel room but me.

Private strippers: Same thing you see in a go-go bar just at 100 times the price.

Ready to please: Just not you.

Reasonable rates: Provided you are the Sultan of Brunei.

Reasons / roses / flowers / donation / incentive / apples / oranges / chocolates / candies / kisses: Dollars.

Recent photo: OK, they were taken in high school and now I'm 36.

Red hot: Smoker.

Role play: Whatever kink you come up with I will play along as long as you pay cash.

Russian: Rub your dick between my tits because my pussy is sore from the last ten guys.

Sale / special prices: My "driver" was busted and I need fast cash for bail money.

Sensual: Don't mind the yawning, I give you a discount if I actually nod off on you.

Serious callers only: Men with CA $H!

Sexy: Bring your favorite magazine to assist in the arousal process. Also consider bringing a large paper bag. If you're a tequila drink, I'd get started early.

Shaved: Welcome to stubble city.

Shemale: Chicks with dicks. Born a male, took hormones and sometimes surgery to become female with the exception of their cock.

Slim: Anorexic.

* : A term that speaks for itself.

Smart: Hey, I can post ads on Craig's List. Doesn't that count?

Smoking hot: Someone with a severely overinflated opinion of themselves. If they are that hot, why are they prostituting themselves?

Smooth: Freshly shaved legs, pits and back.

Snow / ski: Coke, cocaine.

South American: Puerto Rican.

Special rates / Specials: Same prices as last week but rent is due and I need a few more customers than usual.

SSBBW: Finally, some honesty. (Stands for Super Size Big Beautiful Woman).

Statuesque: I barely move in bed just like a statue.

Strapon play: Picture a prostrate exam, multiply it by 100 and without all the witty banter.

Stripper: We dance. You pay. We leave. You jack off.

Stress relief: Money is the root of all evil. Evilness causes stress. I will relieve you of all your stre $$.

Student: All the way up to the 10th grade.

Stunningly beautiful: A 5 at best. Be careful when the door opens. Wasn't Phyllis Diller referred to as stunning?

Tanned: I went to the beach / salon last time I had my period.

Tantric: I charge extra for playing new age music and speaking in low soothing tones until after I've finished jerking you off. (This one isn't mine but it was too good to pass up. Thanks G).

Therapist (Sexual) : A quick massage and then an overpriced hand job while pretending to be a professional "sexual healer".

Thick: Huge.

Thin: Crack addict.

Third party: Pimp.

Tight ass: A softball bat would be snug. You'd better be packing a telephone pole in your pants.

Time of your life: This is assuming that you have been a Buddhist monk or a Mormon up until this point in your life. (Or possibly a devout Baptist).

Toilet training: I will piss and / or shit on you and you will pay me for it. Come on folks, my two-month-old does this for free.

Toned: As well as I can after spending nine hours on my back working and another seven sleeping off the hangover a day.

Two for one: One keeps you busy while the other gets your wallet.

Unbelievable: Just what it says. If you believe it then you get what you pay for.

Upscale: Overpriced.

Upscale gentlemen: Guys who have a lot of cash and shower regularly.

Upscale location: Murder-free so far this week so I get to charge you more.

Virgin: Well, at one time I was. Just not in this decade.

Webcam: If you enjoy a stuttering, out of focus picture for three minutes then this is for you. Plus, my ankle bracelet will not allow me to be more than 100 yards from my home.

Wet & Wild: I just rinsed off and had a cup of coffee. I am ready for the next twelve visitors.

Wrestling (Erotic) : I kick your ass and you pay me for it.

You will not be disappointed: Want to bet your fee on that?

Weight: add 20%.

Age: add 20%.

Penis size: reduce by 20%.

Bra Cup Sizes Explained:

D = D cup.

D = C.

C = B.

B = A.

A = Crossdresser.

[Rubbur]

Had a dream last week with her. Easy comms, clean incall, not a clock watcher, but kept things on track by putting in the necessary effort to bring it home.

The pics might be old but the weight is right and the experience was above par. I will repeat.

What was the damage?

[Wiggles0923]

A suggested correction. Petite and spinner= I am impossibly skinny due to the Weight Watchers meth only plan.

Found this in another thread. Good for a chuckle for me. Hope others enjoy it as well.

PSA: Ad translations.

If you are confused by what a girl means in her ad, use this translation sheet. There's what she says and what she really means:

Curvy: Fat.

Thick: Fat.

Juicy: Fat.

MILF: Old and fat.

Petite: Short and fat.

Fun Sized: Usually short, always fat.

Wet wet: Fat. Doesn't shower between clients.

BBW: Impossibly fat.

Snow Bunny: White.

Mixed: Black.

Exotic: Black.

From the Islands: Black.

Asian: Actually Asian, occasionally black.

No AA: My pimp is black.

Independent: My pimp will stay out of sight during your visit.

I'm Mobile: My pimp will drive me to your place and case the joint during our session.

Open Minded: 3 hole Friendly.

Squirter: I'll piss on you.

Party Friendly: Junkie.

Spinner: Usually junkie.

Trucker Friendly: I will suck your dick behind a Wendy's dumpster.

Deposit Required: Scam artist.

Verification Required: Scam artist and / or blackmailer.

Upscale: Same lousy service, but higher price.

Discreet: 15 guys visit me here every day and I don't want the hotel manager / AirBnb kicking me out.

My Photos are Real: My photos are from 5 years and 50 lbs ago.

Text Only: I spent money on drugs instead of my phone bill and now I'm stuck using a free text app over my slum notel's Wi-Fi.

No Cops: I don't understand how the law works.

I Love White Guys: Overpay me.

Discounts available: My dealer is on his way.

Mature Men Only: Overpay me, don't fuck me too hard, and leave early.

No Time Wasters: I will waste your time.

No calls / Text only: "My Pimp is texting for me.

[Cono Sewer]

I think she's new, but I can't tell and she doesn't post a name. Anybody meet her before.

https://skipthegames.com/posts/ann-a...a/698406600557

Had a dream last week with her. Easy comms, clean incall, not a clock watcher, but kept things on track by putting in the necessary effort to bring it home.

The pics might be old but the weight is right and the experience was above par. I will repeat.

[JCTraveler]

I am up visiting the Monroe area from Tennessee and interested in some companionship. Anyone from seeking, tryst, skip, would be an option. I just don't want to waste good money without someone's recommendation. I appreciate any help.

Stay safe, JC.

[AntBz]

Found this in another thread. Good for a chuckle for me. Hope others enjoy it as well.

PSA: Ad translations.

If you are confused by what a girl means in her ad, use this translation sheet. There's what she says and what she really means:

Curvy: Fat.

Thick: Fat.

Juicy: Fat.

MILF: Old and fat.

Petite: Short and fat.

Fun Sized: Usually short, always fat.

Wet wet: Fat. Doesn't shower between clients.

BBW: Impossibly fat.

Snow Bunny: White.

Mixed: Black.

Exotic: Black.

From the Islands: Black.

Asian: Actually Asian, occasionally black.

No AA: My pimp is black.

Independent: My pimp will stay out of sight during your visit.

I'm Mobile: My pimp will drive me to your place and case the joint during our session.

Open Minded: 3 hole Friendly.

Squirter: I'll piss on you.

Party Friendly: Junkie.

Spinner: Usually junkie.

Trucker Friendly: I will suck your dick behind a Wendy's dumpster.

Deposit Required: Scam artist.

Verification Required: Scam artist and / or blackmailer.

Upscale: Same lousy service, but higher price.

Discreet: 15 guys visit me here every day and I don't want the hotel manager / AirBnb kicking me out.

My Photos are Real: My photos are from 5 years and 50 lbs ago.

Text Only: I spent money on drugs instead of my phone bill and now I'm stuck using a free text app over my slum notel's Wi-Fi.

No Cops: I don't understand how the law works.

I Love White Guys: Overpay me.

Discounts available: My dealer is on his way.

Mature Men Only: Overpay me, don't fuck me too hard, and leave early.

No Time Wasters: I will waste your time.

No calls / Text only: "My Pimp is texting for me.