Jokes & Humorous Stories

**Misfit** · 10-24-10 08:05

Originally Posted by A John [View Original Post]

Holy crap.

They Call Her the Crusher

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/...r-crusher.html

God bless that woman.

Misfit

**Lurker X** · 10-24-10 00:23

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage? "

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish? "

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was.

Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? "

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't. "

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish.

Sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish? "

The clerk replied,

"Because you're in Home Depot. "

**A John** · 10-22-10 06:05

Grandmothers day in court

**A John** · 10-22-10 05:45

Holy crap.

They Call Her the Crusher

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

**Gdlint** · 10-21-10 09:41

A young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body.

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert.

Tell me, papa.

Yes, my son?

Why are we living in Detroit and still wearing all this shit?

**Richmond Fotog** · 10-14-10 08:19

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers.

En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.

'Say, ' said Hanson, 'what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker? '

'Oh gosh, ' replied Forbes, 'five or six bucks tops. '

**A John** · 10-13-10 09:55

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the

Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a

Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here

On the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges'. That's

Why we have Molly The Camel. '

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

About 'urges', so the camel can stay. '

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,

Pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it? '

'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where

The girls are. '

**Lurker X** · 10-13-10 07:24

Yup, thanks to the feminization of our society.

**A John** · 10-08-10 06:06

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007. School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957. Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007. Police called and SWAT team arrives. They arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957. Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007. Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007. Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957. Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007. The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957. Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007. Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957. Ants die.

2007- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents. And all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007. Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

**Gdlint** · 09-30-10 11:21

A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blond at his side.

He told the jeweler was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my great weekend!"

**A John** · 09-30-10 06:44

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

**Warpig2000** · 09-28-10 00:08

The United States Coast Guard reported the body of a man found dead off of Belle Isle in the Detroit River very early yesterday morning. The victim was a white male, age 42, 5' 7" tall and weighing 155 lbs. The victim was found wearing a blond wig, fishnet stockings, red pumps, a black cocktail dress and had smudged mascara and lipstick from floating in the river. The victim was under the influence of barbiturates and alcohol at the time of death. He also had a dildo lodged his up rectum and was wearing a Detroit Lions Jacket.

The family of the deceased has asked that we not release the fact that he was wearing the Lions jacket out of embarrassment...

**LordBlackAdder** · 09-27-10 21:43

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied, ‘No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat…then added, ‘Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden’

**LordBlackAdder** · 09-27-10 21:23

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”