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I guess I am the last person on the earth to see this.
www.2girls1cup.com
I thought this was the "Jokes & Humorous Stories" thread...
I did not need to see that.
I guess I am the last person on the earth to see this.
www.2girls1cup.comI almost puked halfway through the video. I do not want to know how it ended.
Women have no sense of humor.
Quality Junk
11-28-07, 10:53
I guess I am the last person on the earth to see this.
www.2girls1cup.comAre you serious? There are gals that would do that? And guess who they're DFK afterwards? I pray they're gay and proud.
I almost puked halfway through the video. I do not want to know how it ended.
You made it half way?!?! I didn't get remotely that far. As soon as the cup went to the ass, and it wasn't liquid, I was gone.
And I could have waited forever and been happy not to see it. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Disgusting...http://www.filecabi.net/video/disgusting_lesbo_sex.html
Ken Fuxalot
12-02-07, 09:04
A guy goes to a whorehouse, picks out a girl, takes her to the room, and starts chomping away on her pussy. I mean, he's really eating her out good.
All of a sudden, he spits up a carrot. "Hmm. " the guy thinks to himself. "Must be regurgitating my lunch. " He continues to lick and suck.
A few minutes later, he spits up some green peas. "That's weird", said the oral expert to himself. "I don't remember having green peas for lunch. ". However, nothing could keep him from that tasty pussy and he continues his tonguework.
Finally, he spits up some spinach. "Now that does it! ", exclaimed the man, knowing he definitely does not eat spinach because he hates it.
Turning to the girl, he asks very loudly, "Dammit, woman, did you get sick down there? "
To which the girl replied, "No. But the last guy before you sure did! "
http://www.biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Various/bjs.html
This deserves a Grammy!!!
Pussycat Song http://biggeekdad.com/Humor/pussycatsong.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ3lw-eNrFk
Q. Why did the executive hire the prostitute to be his secretary?
A. On her application, where it said 'last position', she wrote 'doggie style'!
Muffbuster69
12-18-07, 18:36
Bad Humor
Golf Hazard
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and, while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake," said the man.
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
Around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
To maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the
Other residents tolerated her and osme them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out-streached. 'Stop! ť' he
Shouted in a firm voice.
“Have you got license for that thing? ťEthel fished around in
Her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it
Up to him. 'ťOk' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lunge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted STOP! Have you
Got proof of insurance?
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up
To him. Harold nodded and said ' Go on ma'am. '
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
Of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his You-Know-What in his hand. Oh
Good grief, yelled Ethel, Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.
Her tit job is so bad it is funny... poor girl.
http://miami.backpage.com/adult/classifieds/ViewAd?oid=oid%3A1725900&name=female%20escorts
Her tit job is so bad it is funny... poor girl.
http://miami.backpage.com/adult/classifieds/ViewAd?oid=oid%3A1725900&name=female%20escortsDamn. That's fucked up.
Sexybldbbwfl
12-21-07, 19:57
Dude looks like a lady. Wearing boxers and all covered. Shower looks tucked. Must have traded for thoses titties. Nasty.
Muffbuster69
12-21-07, 20:19
Bad Humor
The Fence
A guy and his girlfriend are walking home from the bar one night and start having sex up against a fence.
Suddenly the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.
The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay for that!"
The guy says to his girlfriend, "What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost?"
"Why should I pay?" says his girlfriend. "I was pushing the other way!"
Dude looks like a lady. Wearing boxers and all covered. Shower looks tucked. Must have traded for thoses titties. Nasty.What the hell does this mean if anything.
DETROIT -- A Detroit bus driver was arrested after allegedly trying to pick up a prostitute while driving special-needs children to school on Wednesday morning.
The 30-year-old man was arrested after he drove the bus up to a decoy officer posing as a prostitute working in the area of Telegraph and Grand River roads and inquired about having sex with her, police said.
Police said at the time, the driver only had one child on the bus. He told the decoy officer he would be right back, said police.
Police said a few moments later he returned with three more special needs children on the bus and offered to pay the officer to have sex with him.
The driver handed the decoy officer a paper with his name and phone number, police said.
The driver was arrested on the spot around 7 a.m. on Wednesday.
"At the end of the day, this is certainly not somebody that ought to be driving a school bus," said Evans.
The Wayne County Prosecutor's Office may pursue charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and child endangerment and a misdemeanor charge for offering to engage in prostitution.
Police said the driver had planned on dropping off the four special needs children, ages 5 to 9 years old at McKenney elementary school on Evergreen Road and return to have sex.
The deputies took the children from the bus and drove them to school. The principal helped deputies to personally notify each of the children's parents.
"In my 35 years in law enforcement, I've seen a lot of outrageous things, particularly in the area of prostitution," said Wayne County Sheriff Warren C. Evans. "But the very idea that someone entrusted with the safety and security of special-needs children would instead put his own selfish and illicit needs first, blows my mind."
From http://www.ClickOnDetroit.com/news/14891316/detail.html (December 19, 2007) -- ClickOnDetroit.com
========
This story is both sad and funny. Too bad there's no video footage of this that can be aired on the tv show "Cops."
KC Questor
12-24-07, 05:28
Dude looks like a lady. Wearing boxers and all covered. Shower looks tucked. Must have traded for thoses titties. Nasty.What the hell does this mean if anything.
Let's parse out what she said and see if we can figure out what it means:
Dude looks like a lady.
The picture is possibly that of a gentleman dressing up as a female.
Wearing boxers and all covered.
He/she is wearing boxer shorts in one of the pictures and that covers up the crotch and makes it difficult to tell if the person in question is male or female.
Shower looks tucked.
In one of the photos, the person is in the shower and it appears as if it is a male who has "tucked" his penis and testicles between his legs to appear as if he had no external genitalia.
Must have traded for thoses titties.
The breast enhancement surgery was so poorly done that the person must have paid very little, or even exchanged goods or services other than cash.
Nasty.
Self-explanatory.
Now, the only thing that shoots down the idea that the woman in the picture may actually be a transsexual is the fact that in this picture (http://imagesa.backpage.com/centralimages/bpb/18/1896c3e71f9c418ad2c1c6bc1822bb33--3--DSCN1778JPG--large.jpg) you can see her cooter.
Let's parse out what she said and see if we can figure out what it means:
Dude looks like a lady.
The picture is possibly that of a gentleman dressing up as a female.
Wearing boxers and all covered.
He/she is wearing boxer shorts in one of the pictures and that covers up the crotch and makes it difficult to tell if the person in question is male or female.
Shower looks tucked.
In one of the photos, the person is in the shower and it appears as if it is a male who has "tucked" his penis and testicles between his legs to appear as if he had no external genitalia.
Must have traded for thoses titties.
The breast enhancement surgery was so poorly done that the person must have paid very little, or even exchanged goods or services other than cash.
Nasty.
Self-explanatory.
Now, the only thing that shoots down the idea that the woman in the picture may actually be a transsexual is the fact that in this picture (http://imagesa.backpage.com/centralimages/bpb/18/1896c3e71f9c418ad2c1c6bc1822bb33--3--DSCN1778JPG--large.jpg) you can see her cooter.Deb I can't believe someone needed an explanation but I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was all self explanatory. In the end, this does appear to be a woman after close look at the beaver post, she quite possibly could make more money posing as a male escort if she considered removing the grapefruit velcro on job boobies and having the addadictomy surgery.
Let's parse out what she said and see if we can figure out what it means:
Dude looks like a lady.
The picture is possibly that of a gentleman dressing up as a female.
Wearing boxers and all covered.
He/she is wearing boxer shorts in one of the pictures and that covers up the crotch and makes it difficult to tell if the person in question is male or female.
Shower looks tucked.
In one of the photos, the person is in the shower and it appears as if it is a male who has "tucked" his penis and testicles between his legs to appear as if he had no external genitalia.
Must have traded for thoses titties.
The breast enhancement surgery was so poorly done that the person must have paid very little, or even exchanged goods or services other than cash.
Nasty.
Self-explanatory.
Now, the only thing that shoots down the idea that the woman in the picture may actually be a transsexual is the fact that in this picture (http://imagesa.backpage.com/centralimages/bpb/18/1896c3e71f9c418ad2c1c6bc1822bb33--3--DSCN1778JPG--large.jpg) you can see her cooter.Getting slow in my old age. Not up with the street lingo.
Baltimonger
12-24-07, 22:37
Here's a reaction from an old lady after watching the 2 girls 1 cup video recently posted in Anal Connoisseurs:
http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=1113
A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.
She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.
So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:
"Mom! You still awake?"
Baltimonger
12-27-07, 00:00
http://www.yuvutu.com/modules.php?name=Video&op=view&video_id=138846
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit!
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
Confucius Says....
... he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
... wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
... he who sniff coke, drown.
... Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery,
fucking near dead.
... man piss in wind, wind piss back.
... man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
... man who eat pussy, do lip service.
... man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist.
... girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
... men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the
whole, women have more.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery.
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200. 00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30. 00?
Number 2: In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow.
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the
husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in
her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Only a guy would do this!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
Short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife.. Who would never consider a gun..adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? ! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
It. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it, " reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
To give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION at! At$$! %! At*!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
Your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-. That hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Prostate exam
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy obeys and says, "99!"
The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"
Again, the guy says "99."
The doctor says, "Very good. Now then.....I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now.. take a deep breath and say, 99."
The guy begins, "One ... Two .... Three .........."
Two elderly ladies
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.
He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.
Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.
He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
The Three finalists in the 2007 Greatest Ass Contest.
1. Miss Texas
2. Miss Hawaii
3. Ms. New York
Union Rules & Hookers
A dedicate d Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas .'
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
'After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that.'
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.'
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
'When you win, nothing hurts.'
Joe Namath / Alabama
'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.'
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password,
'Roll, tide, roll!'
Bear Bryant / Alabama
'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.'
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.'
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.'
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
'In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.'
Wally Butts / Georgia
'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.'
Paul Dietzel / LSU
'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.'
Bear Bryant / Alabama
When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
'No, but you can see it from here.'
Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...
'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.'
Bear Bryant / Alabama
'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.'
Matty Bell / SMU
'Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.'
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's.'
Alex Karras / Iowa
'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball
and arrive in a bad humor.'
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.'
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
'Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.'
Shug Jordan / Auburn
'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.'
Darrell Royal / Texas
'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.'
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
'They whipped us like a tied up goat.'
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well,Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.'
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.'
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.'
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:
'All those who need showers, take them.'
John McKay / USC
'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.'
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb.'
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.'
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.'
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.'
Darrell Royal / Texas
'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.'
Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School
'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad .'
Darrell Royal / University of Texas
'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.'
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football'
John Heisman
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer -----
Well, that's not enough information...........Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer ------
BANG!
Redneck's Answer ------
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist!"
Story makes sense to me.
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his .
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do wit h that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement
he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat....
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help. "
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you go. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Mississippi
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida:
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
LordBlackAdder
01-19-08, 00:48
The Green Bay Packers delivered a shocking announcement today. Their starting quarterback this Sunday will be Mrs. Brett Favre, who will play for Brett during the first quarter. Fans in Green Bay were shocked when this announcement was made, but Mrs. Favre assured the fans that, "Hey, I know this game. I live with Brett. I have taken several road trips on the team plane. I've gone to the pre-game meal. I know a lot of the Packers. I've played around with a lot of the Packers in* the back yard. I've tossed the football with them, and I know what a slot right 60-Prevent-Slot-Hook-And-Go is and I know how to avoid a corner blitz. " So they polled the people in Green Bay, 50% of Packers fans are excited, motivated, looking forward to the big game.
All right, you think that's ridiculous? Let me reread this. In a shocking announcement today, Mrs. Hillary Clinton announced that she is running for president of the United States because she knows Bill Clinton and has lived with him, and she was there on a lot of trips to China and around the world, and she really cared about kids for 35 years. She's fought and she stood up for kids, and she's tried to fix health care, and she knows fifty percent of the American people say, "That's good enough for us. "
Ignorance is bliss?
Then G. W. Bush must be the hap-hap-happiest motherfucker in the world (and anyone who still supports him must be drooling with glee).
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse. '
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you? ' Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. '
Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.”
But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my LOVE dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“LOVE dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband LOVES me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my LOVE dress,” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round golf when she suffered a bee
sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked,
"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your Stance is too wide."
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Member #4064
01-22-08, 20:11
That's good Crook O. I busted a gut. You must me taking lessons from your cousin Funny As Schitt....[
QUOTE=A John]For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt[/QUOTE]
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the S ame one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America !
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. '
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it! '
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too ha d forgotten to get condoms, and asked i f she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
'Cleanup, Register 5'
LordBlackAdder
01-24-08, 14:08
Screenwriters strike leaves porn industry without plots and dialogue
The US porn industry has been badly hit by a the US writer’s strike that has left the business completely without ideas, plots and convincing dialogue.
The American Writers’ Guild strike centres around DVD and other secondary rights and has left Hollywood and the United States TV industry in crisis with screenwriters with-holding scripts from the major studios and gag writers refusing to supply jokes for topical comedy shows. However nowhere has the Writers Strike been more acutely felt than in America’s pornographic film industry, where suddenly directors and actors are having to make up storylines and dialogue themselves, resulting in totally unconvincing and contrived sexual encounters.
‘We were filming ‘Pizza Guy Delivers Extra Hot Sausage’’ said porn actress Sylvie Steel. ‘But with no script the pizza guy just turned up and undid his flies and said ‘here’s the extra sausage you ordered’. I just turned to the director and said “I’m sorry, but I would just find that disgusting and deeply offensive behaviour from a complete stranger. In fact I would probably call the police’.’
Without a writer to turn to, the confused director suggested they try following this improvized plot idea, but when four hunky actors in cop costumes turned up, Ms Steel rejected suggestions that she would probably want to have sex with them all using their handcuffs and batons, but that she would more likely want to give a detailed statement of the indecent exposure she had witnessed earlier.
On another set where a crew were filming ‘Secretary’s Double-sided Problem’ an engineer called to fix a photocopier and then simply carried out the maintenance, exchanging pleasantries before leaving to attend his next job. The actor playing the engineer said that anything else would have seemed ‘incredibly forward of me’. Where sexual encounters have been filmed, actors have been reduced to making endless grunting noises or just saying ‘Yeah, oh yeah’ over and over again.
‘Writers are an essential part of the Adult Film Industry’ said porn director Ralf Radd, on a new DVD introducing a new compilation of his work. ‘Without them people watching pornographic films will just fast forward through the boring bits at the beginning and not…’
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years, "my husband replies.
I stopped. "D o you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over time?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man
Most Perfect Breasts In The World
A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "
"Are you nuts? ! " she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1, 000 dollars? " he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it? " So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10, 000 dollars? " She thinks about if for while and says, "Hmmm, $10, 000 dollars. Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. "
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you going to bite them or not? "
"Nah", says the little old man. "Costs too much."
The Real Old Wes
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
What do retired people do?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Here's one of our responses to that question....
Well, for example, the other day MO and I went into Philadelphia and went into a book shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mo called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by train from New Jersey.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Purina DIET
I have 4 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid lady. Why else would I buy dog food?
Posting for the FBI:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! " "The man said, "You ca n't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. "
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife. " The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, she wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair. "
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
I Saw a billboard that read:
Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
At the end of the tax year, the Internal Revenue Service sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While the I. R. S. Agent was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with all the candle drippings? "
"Good question", replied the Rabbi. "We gather them all up, package them and send them all back to the candle makers. Then every now and then, about maybe once a year, they send us a complete box of free candles. "
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had such a practical answer. But, undaunted, he continued, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? There must be a lot of broken leftovers and crumbs. What do you do with those? "
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing now that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We gather them all up, package them and send them all back to the manufacturers. Then every now and then, about maybe once a year, they send us a complete box of free holy biscuits. " "I see! " replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, knowing this next question would really stump the Rabbi, "What do you do with the leftover foreskins from all the circumcisions you perform? "
Without batting an eye, the Rabbi replied, "Here, too, we do not waste. We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and then about once a year they send us a complete prick.
New Holiday March 20th
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly. Guys feel left out. That's right. Left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day. ' Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
What's up with this?
Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and then they don't want to do anal sex because it 'hurts'.
I bumped into my ex-wife in a bar.
I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asked.
"No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE.”
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street >> corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!' One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany him on his >> jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her Ł150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have an explanation ready. As they jogged >> into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the >> prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'
*SMART ASS ANSWER #6
*It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my
choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
*SMART ASS ANSWER #5* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."
*SMART ASS ANSWER #4
*A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."
*SMART ASS ANSWER #3
*The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
*SMART ASS ANSWER #2
*A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
*SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:
*A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
-- For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some fr iends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon? "
"Well, " he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can are educe the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. "
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. "
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? "
"Oh, certainly! " Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out t hat we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76. 39 percent. "
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back? "
"Well, " he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Oh my goodness, this is one of the funniest words I've come across in a while. ACB is defined by UrbanDictionary.com as a:
"Mnemonic device for "Air Conditioner Booty": a woman whose buttocks, when viewed from the side, resemble a wall-unit air conditioner protruding from a house."
Example: "Holly's ACB was knocking peoples' drinks off the table last night."
I hope no one takes offense. It's all in good fun. And I've certainly had sex with a couple fine ACB ladies.
LordBlackAdder
02-01-08, 20:42
The US Presidential race finally entered the spirit of the internet age this week when the leading candidates made direct appeals to one of the largest demographics in the United States; the internet pornography community.
Although politicians have long recognized the potential power of the internet they have previously shied away from being associated with the largest user group on the web. All that changed this week when John McCain’s campaign team persuaded him to appear in a hardcore video alongside internet porn star Jenna Jameson. ‘Although the image of the senator grasping Ms Jameson’s breasts and shouting ‘God Bless America’ may not endear him to liberal women voters, he made a judgement that they were not going to vote for him anyway, ’ explained Andrew Marr. ‘But the veteran Republican’s apparent sexual stamina and in-depth knowledge of the most popular sexual positions on the web is playing well with blue collar workers in swing states. He’d never have won Florida without that scene with the cheerleaders walking into the wrong house. ’
Within days the other leading candidates were making a pitch for this newly identified demographic. ‘Traditionally American voters have been categorized by race or class, but spending hours staring at a couple of strangers have sex on your lap-top is a future that cuts across all the outdated labels of Hispanic, Black or W. A. S. P’ said a spokesman for Barack Obama’s campaign team. For this reason Obama has apparently chosen to shun the old fashioned racial stereotype of well-endowed superstud. ‘Obama’ has now become the most popular search on www.blacksBoneBlondes.com.
However most successful of all is Hilary Clinton, who has enlisted the experience of her husband. The couple star in a hardcore BDSM video entitled ‘Naughty boy must be punished’ in which Hilary the dominatrix turns up at her husband’s work to find him having sex with a younger woman. For this he is then tied to a desk, stripped and beaten with a riding crop. ‘It’s very convincing’ said Andrew Marr, ‘You’d almost think she really caught him cheating on her.
My Mommy the Dancer:
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well, my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret, and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy, and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises, and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"
"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee, and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. "Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"
"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"
New Holiday March 20th
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly, guys feel left out. That's right, Left out! There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day. ' Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week. " The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.
"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The and ext morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a strap-on dildo, a Patriot's jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police graciously removed the Patriot's jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
Baltimonger
02-04-08, 22:53
Required reading (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/HowTo:Play_the_Skin_Flute) for all females.
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged my computer and poured my beer down the toilet.
She can be such a ***** sometimes.
The C. O. 's Morning Briefing The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure? '
The X. O. Chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%. < BR The Colonel's Aide, a Lt. , responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitiation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. "
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir", began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. " The room fell silent.
God Bless the Marine Corps.
LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL,
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City,
MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
Would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on
Their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens
of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
The girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
For the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY:
There are teachers, and then there are Educators
LordBlackAdder
02-09-08, 21:13
Bob comes into the doctor's office with a very serious health prooblem he feels he may be ridiculed about. He asks the Doctor if he will laugh at him when he shows him his problem. The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.*'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what*came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't*happen*again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'My dick is all swollen up,' Bob replied.
LordBlackAdder
02-09-08, 23:23
The American computer giant Apple has changed its logo to reflect the fact that the primary purpose of its products is to access the exciting world of internet porn; or ‘iPorn’ as the company now call it.
In a move which analysts have called the ‘encapsulation of everything about living stylishly in the internet age’, the company is aiming to liberate the world wide web from its occasionally seedy image and make it’s customers feel cool and cutting edge for endlessly browsing through amateur pornography sites.
Steve Jobs unveiled the new logo at an adult industry trade fair in California and said, ‘Our iPod video player and iPhone are allowing unprecedented numbers of people to see all sorts of things that would have been banned only ten years ago. This is about freedom of expression and liberty; our products have made it possible to watch iPorn at home, at work, even while you’re bouncing around on a bus.’
In a move that has been welcomed by pornographers Apple is also launching a new adult entertainment store on the internet. Mr Jobs explained; ‘We believe we can finally bring pornography the respectability it deserves. We’ll be selling three-minute downloads of high class adult entertainment for a dollar a go to customers in US and Canada, or two dollars in Europe as they’re so much further away and there are no additional charges for postage and packing.’
To compliment the site Apple has also produced a new computer which runs the ‘QuickyTime’ media player with enhanced fleshtone graphic capabilities and a sound card tuned perfectly to enhance the sound of human grunts and squeals.
The ‘oMac’, sold under the strapline ‘think dirty’, promises to ‘entertain you on your lap or on the desk’. Later in the year the ultra-thin ‘oMac Air’ will also become available, although only ‘under the counter’, and will come stylishly wrapped in its own brown paper bag.
LordBlackAdder
02-10-08, 14:25
A Conservative cowboy from Texas goes to a social function where Hillary Clinton just happened to be trying to gather more support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies? "
She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies. "
"Well ma'am, " the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. "
"Oh, " Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later, she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass? "
"No, ma'am, " the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass. "
"That's a good thing, " she responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, . "Hard to fool them flies though!"
We have our rules.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had, while
getting Rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just
a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."
__________________
Baltimonger
02-11-08, 23:23
A woman goes to the emergency room, and tells the doctor she has kind of an embarrassing problem. "My vibrator is, well, up inside me and I can't quite reach it". The doctor assured her it was no problem, and said "it might hurt a little bit, but we can get it out". The woman says "no, no; I don't want you to get it out, I just need you to change the batteries."
... While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies ... Nothing tragic about that.
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before and were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea, " she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed.
"Good, " she replied. "Get your own friggin' blanket. "
After a moment of silence, he farted
The End
Redhead Baby
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor, " the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine. " "Nonsense, " the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool. "
"It isn't possible, " the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. "
"Well, " said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? " The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months. "
"Well, there you have it! " the doctor said. "It's rust."
A History lesson
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters / gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going
to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the
wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But
it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five
inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
" She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"She wants a new kitchen."
Depressed
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritar y job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, �Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. �My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. �Thank you in advanse fore yore anser
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
THE CHICKEN BUSINESS
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Philly Cops
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Philly cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Philadelphia. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Philly cop's expense.
The cop says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop,” says the cop. “License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law! License and registration, please!" the cop says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.
At this point, the cop takes out his billy club and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Why don't Italians like Jehovah Witnesses?
Italians don't like ANY witnesses!
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Vote carefully!
...because there is no telling what is behind the ad!
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'
she replied
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE !!!
Young girl and the cop
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike, " the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you? "
"Yep, " the little girl said, "he sure did! "
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. "
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you? "
"Yes, he sure did, " chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children? ' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it? ' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A young man goes to confession
And says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.
Now go out and say three Hail Mary's. "
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood. " the sinner replies.
"Very well, sighs the priest "Go & say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous blonde woman enters the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes & very short dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy & whispers, "Is that Nookie Green? "
The bug eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
Joe passed away.
His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
LordBlackAdder
02-28-08, 15:11
News story from back in the UK. Wondering if this has happened here yet. I am betting a lot of the girls talked about here are helping shift the numbers.
Traditional pipes now outnumbered by crack pipes
The British statistical survey has thrown up a quirky piece of data that moralists and church groups have seized upon as a significant milestone in the continuing decay of modern British society.
For the first time there are now more people smoking crack pipes than traditional tobacco pipes, with almost no overlap between the two groups of users. ‘Old fashioned pipes are still popular with certain types of older bearded men; model railway enthusiasts, canal barge restorers and the like, but curiously these tend to be among the least likely people to head into the inner cities to score crack cocaine off their dealer,’ reported the survey.
The rise in the more modern crack pipe has been among a different demographic – alienated inner city youth, prostitutes, and Conservative Members of Parliament. However one MP used this statistic to make a point about what she sees as distorted values of New Labour’s Britain. Speaking from College Green outside the Houses of Parliament, Ann Widdecombe MP declared that it was symptomatic of the political correctness of today’s nanny state that so much effort had been put into stopping people from smoking tobacco, while drug use continued to rise. Taking a symbolic puff off from an old fashioned Meerschaum pipe she declared ‘There, what is the harm in that?’ and yet, if I inhale from this ghastly modern crack pipe thing… ‘Wow, that is good shit man. I am fucking flyin’, know what I mean?’
On the positive side, the statistical survey discovered that more spoons are still used to stir cups of tea than to heat up low-grade heroin and cocaine. ‘Although on current trends…’, it commented, ‘it’s only a matter of time…’
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of 'smart'?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun
do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES,
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.
Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
GUN CONTROL:
using both hands
Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant'
is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.
http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resources/screenclean.swf
Maria, their Mexican maid, asked for a pay increase.
The wife, her boss, was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria,
Why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Life and Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Four Great Religious Truths
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's & put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, & according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech support and none will help the American economy.
The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
Of course I wasn't about to put my real name in so I INSERTED Hillary Obama
I got a :)
AJ
Dam it, I knew it ! ! !
I just knew it!
Crazy Jim Wood
03-09-08, 14:01
This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us to get a tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech support and none will help the American economy.
The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
Don't forget pot!
I think you're the father of one of my kids.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? 'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids 'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? 'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher. '
hours of fun :)
http://www.knickerpicker.com/dressing-room.asp
Male Therapy
Contributed by the Pussyologist
http://www.hogrockcafe.com/male_therapy.htm
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in
a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So,
the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant and she
proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now
they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
The bartender laughed and said, "Every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun.. and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ..... He turns around and asks the next customer in line.
Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies..YES! The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...SHOOTS HIM ON THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man. DID ... YOU... SEE.. ME... ROB THIS BANK????
The man calmly responds..............No but my wife did!
Sniffer the Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog. ' "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work. "
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this. " He told Sniffer to "search. "
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy, " and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "
"Say, that's pretty neat, " replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police. "
"I like it! " said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent
"What's going on? "
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my drivers
license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should
be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and ... Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shantytown full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a
drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one
hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my
love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote
for in the Primary? Hillary or Obama???
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God . . .
Please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....
THE ITALIAN ELBOW
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his new wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"What . . . . . . You coming empty handed?"
The Switch
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!"
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1:P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 9: P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
That would be funny except that being a queer with AIDS would already make you a Democrat.
Seems to me that the Democrats are the ones getting caught having sex with females unlike the Republicans that are getting caught with guys. Keep your feet to yourselves in the bathroom please.
Baltimonger
03-13-08, 20:13
You mean like,,,, Barney Franks...?
And have you ever met an out of the closet homosexual who admits to being HIV positive and proclaims himself to be a Republican.....?
There are gays in the Republican party like there are gays every where... but the Democrat party is the choice for militant homosexuals.
Citing Barney Frank is unfair in a way. He has stood up for the right to free speech and the right to privacy for ALL Americans. He votes for the unions, and to keep jobs in America. He keeps getting reelected by a Massachusetts district that is not necessarily the most gay-friendly.
He was once targeted by censure or expulsion from the House by [drumroll] Larry Craig, toe tapper extrordinaire.
Judas Priest has a gay singer (Rob Halford) who left the band and was replaced by a straight guy. With the straight singer they were playing medium sized clubs. The gay singer comes back, and they're headlining huge stadiums. It's not like the extra fans were gay.
Gays can be gay, as long as they aren't gay around me.
You mean like,,,, Barney Franks...?
And have you ever met an out of the closet homosexual who admits to being HIV positive and proclaims himself to be a Republican.....?
There are gays in the Republican party like there are gays every where... but the Democrat party is the choice for militant homosexuals.
OK, enough of the homo talk. We are here for other reasons. My Democrat cock wants some pussy.
Baltimonger
03-13-08, 22:20
Great,,,so you're gay and standing up for yourself...good for you.
No I'm definitely not gay. You missed the point. I have flaming gay distant family member, so I kind of see their side of things (not!).
I really used to think you were cool and above this sort of thing, although I'm sure Lou is totally gay.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the b rains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
LordBlackAdder
03-14-08, 12:09
There are gays in the Republican party like there are gays every where... but the Democrat party is the choice for militant homosexuals.There are no gays in Iran.
They are put to death as soon as they are discovered.
I have never heard anyone in the US or EU, even those who are anti-homosexual suggest that.
KC Questor
03-14-08, 13:14
Dammit, shut the fuck up about politics and homosexuality. This isn't the forum. take it somewhere esle where that shit is appreciated.
I`ll 2nd that 4-sure
AJ
Dammit, shut the fuck up homosexuality. take it somewhere esle where that shit is appreciated.
Prairieprowler
03-14-08, 20:52
Just put on this fragrance and sit in your tree stand and wait for the hookers to come to you.
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a
juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at
the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if
the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give
him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares,
lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the patrol car.
A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and
watched the performance briefly.
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got
in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what
he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself . You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that."
After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are settin' for them."
After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."
Q-What is the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Qwansa?
A- On St. Patricks Day, everyone wants to be Irish.
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles, ' the patient said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me! '
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection, ' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. ' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet. '
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer! ' 'It doesn't, ' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'
Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'" 'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's rear end!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to
me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect
your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for College and High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and spend your last nine months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - centralheating, room service on tap, and
then.............
You finish off as an orgasm.
AJ
Blondes Playing Bingo
It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had
been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.
The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3,500 in the
pot.
The game dragged on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had
to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts
of "Bingo!" were heard.
The frustrated caller finally got up and threw the Bingo Machine off the
stage. All the girls were shocked.
Exasperated, the caller said: "I've just called every damn one of these 75
balls out of this machine and nobody has a BINGO? Just what number
are you ladies waiting for?"
All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted,
"FREE SPACE!"
Tail Chaser
03-23-08, 03:41
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
LordBlackAdder
03-24-08, 11:44
On a trip to Great Britain, while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" asked Bill.
You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.
Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."
Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child?"
Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer.
Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President.
As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama..
So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother .. Who was the child?"
"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama , "I think the child would be me."
"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination as the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"
So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Barack Obama!"
"No, you Dumb Ass !" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"
I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER drink again !
Police: Pantless woman gets out of car
The Associated Press
YONKERS, N.Y. --
Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on.
Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized.
Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession.
A telephone message left at her family's Rockville Centre home Tuesday night hasn't been returned.
Earlier this month a Westchester County man was accused of using a doughnut shop's drive-through lane while not wearing pants. He's charged with public lewdness.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. Guts. Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ' Balls. Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next. ' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Missing NY rev. found at Ohio strip club
http://www.daytondailynews.com
The Associated Press
RIVERSIDE, Ohio --
Police say a pastor who was reported missing from his home in western New York has been found at an Ohio strip club.
A police officer patrolling the K.C. Lounge parking lot Friday morning in the Dayton suburb of Riverside spotted out-of-state license plates on 46-year-old Craig Rhodenizer's car.
The FBI and New York authorities had been searching for Rhodenizer, who disappeared Wednesday after telling his wife he was getting his computer fixed at Best Buy. He is the pastor of a church in Lyndonville, N.Y.
Detective Matt Sturgeon said Rhodenizer was disoriented when confronted by police and said he felt "emotionally guilty."
==================
I don't know what all the moralistic fuss is about. I believe Mary Magdalene was a provider and Jesus said not to judge her.
So keep that in mind Law Enforcement.
Baltimonger
03-30-08, 15:22
2 small boys go into a store and pick up a box of Tampax. The cashier asks the older boy: "do you know what these are for?" The boy pointed at his little brother and said "they're not for me, they're for him. I saw a commercial on tv showing a woman swimming and riding a bike. He's 4 years old and he can't do either of those things."
Baltimonger
03-30-08, 15:35
A truck driver is driving down the street, and comes to stop at a stop sign. He hears a knock on his door so he rolls down driver's side window. A blond is standing there and she says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". He shakes his head and continues on up the street. At the next stop sign the same blond knocks on his door and says: "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". He drives on to the next stop sign. Again the blond knocks on his door. "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load". The truck driver speeds up and at the next stop he gets out, runs over to the blond's car, knocks on her door, and tells her: "Hi, my name is Mike, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm the salt truck".
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet .."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married
to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me
and talks about how wonderful I am.
But in private, he shakes his finger in my face
and calls me the "B" word.
He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.
I've tried everything, including a face-lift,
botox treatments, and a chin tuck.
I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago
after having an affair with a woman in his office.
He hasn't even looked for another job.
We haven't slept together since,
I confronted him about the affair.
He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it.
It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house,
we argue constantly about when to put it on the market.
The house we want will be available in a f ew months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now.
I think we should wait a while.
He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back
into the White House as much as you do.
This test is designed to show you how cool you were in High School.
What crowd you ran with, etc., and it's pretty accurate. It's not a long test.
You may want to send it to your friends so they can see if they've changed!
LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE WERE A COOL PERSON THEN, AND NOW!
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"That button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
A nice, heartwarming story to start your weekend off in a nice way. Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant, who stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs, and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Guts or Balls?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. Guts. Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ' Balls. Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next. ' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
He forgot to add:
Either one is followed by immedate Death
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells
her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? "The
woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
One day, long, long ago.
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b***h.
But this was a long time ago.
And it was just that one day.
The End
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
The Priest and the Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for a short while.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of the ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
A Woman;s and A Man's Perfect Day
A Woman's Perfect Day
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed with freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of ex's partner and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap – purring kittens with whiskers nearby
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - he says he rarely gets to
work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower - alone
10:50 Carried to bed made with freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
A Man's Perfect Day
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast with steak and eggs, coffee and toast -- all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing off her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch -- steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1,234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home -- massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news -- Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner -- lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak, followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
The Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out togay that I'm a lesbian."
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into
the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the
playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back
to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to
tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground
and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when
Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!
My visit to the urologist
I went to a urologist and told him I was having a problem, as I was unable to get my manhood erect. The doctor checked me out then told me that the muscles around the base of my organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for me. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if I am willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissue from an elephants trunk into my penis. I thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for me to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, I decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, I was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result I planned a romantic evening with this girl I know and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
In the middle of dinner I felt a strong stirring in my loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure I unzipped my fly and my penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to my trousers.
The girl was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was ncredible! Can you do that again? "
With tears in my eyes I replied,
"I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my ass."
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.
** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.
He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love
all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and
a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just
had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
President Bush decides to take a
break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the
bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's
him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
The guy says,
'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde
with big tits?'
Bush turns to the
bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about
the 140 million Muslims.'
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original
and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Wit hout an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
Fake.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: IF YOU ARE:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years.. .......................... 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, because I'm not a Obama fan.' The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.' The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
We are in trouble.
The population of this country is 300 million.
165 million are retired.
That leaves 135 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2. 8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden and his buddies.
Which leaves 12. 2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10. 8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1. 4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1, 212, 000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1, 211, 998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice. !
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
Baltimonger
04-18-08, 18:24
http://800notes.com/articles/Video.aspx/ZYW4XYBo8ADI_gjJXHU9pA
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, " I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own a few.
11. You usually bathe monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've forever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Baldy Cruiser
04-19-08, 14:15
I took my dog to the vet.....lol
Fed him a new cereal called "COLON BLOW"
BALDY CRUISER :)
Retirement years
I've often been asked what do will I do now I've retired?
Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but one of the things I enjoy the most is turning different types of alcohol into urine.
http://www.tagtele.com/videos/voir/11924
During a commercial airline flight a Marine Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby. And he sure was hungry! '
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Marine Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed. 'And all these years I've been chewing gum. '
From a Danish associate:
'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a ***** who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer,
and a lawyer who is married to a ***** who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman
with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers,
'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back,
'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... 'Numba 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want...... Garric Chicken wit snow peas?'
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who.- in his day.- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips? ' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg. '
'Will that make me a better gunfighter? ' asked the young man.
'Sure will, ' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bowtie off the piano player.
'That's terrific! ' said the young cowboy. 'Got any more tips for me? '
'Yep, ' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw. '
'Will that make me a better gunfighter? ' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in ablur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
'Wow! ' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips? '
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. ' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No, ' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all. '
'Will that make me a better gunfighter? ' asked the young man.
'No, ' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much.
LuLu the prostitute
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
In all innocence Grandma answered, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a ***** who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a ***** who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"
Catchy Tune
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2DCROs9OEM&feature=related
Baltimonger
04-26-08, 23:17
My father told me something today that totally destroys everything I've assumed about store-bought bread.
He said:"You know, they slice the bread after they bake it, but before they put it in the bag".
I had to google this, and you know what? He's right!
What else have I misled myself about?
This is a true story.
KC Questor
04-27-08, 01:58
My father told me something today that totally destroys everything I've assumed about store-bought bread.
He said:"You know, they slice the bread after they bake it, but before they put it in the bag".
I had to google this, and you know what? He's right!
What else have I misled myself about?
This is a true story.
OK, someone explain this one to me...
Catchy Tune
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2DCROs9OEM&feature=related
Too bad most of the "ladies"; especially the "Pinays" with pageant numbers on their swimsuits, arms, etc., were all Trannies.
Watch it again. Look close, some are pretty obvious, others not as much.
Any guys who have been to the PI wanna confirm whether or not I am correct?
Wallie
My father told me something today that totally destroys everything I've assumed about store-bought bread.
He said:"You know, they slice the bread after they bake it, but before they put it in the bag".
I had to google this, and you know what? He's right!
What else have I misled myself about?
This is a true story.
And you thought they sliced after they put it in the bag?
Wallie,
Had no idea :o The pictures flash rather rapidly. I guess it's time to go get a eye exam :)
AJ
Watch it again. Look close, some are pretty obvious, others not as much.
Wallie
http://sexec.com/Home/tabid/36/Default.aspx
Too bad most of the "ladies"; especially the "Pinays" with pageant numbers on their swimsuits, arms, etc., were all Trannies.
Watch it again. Look close, some are pretty obvious, others not as much.
Any guys who have been to the PI wanna confirm whether or not I am correct?
Wallie
That's what I kinda figured going into it due to the old school house song choice. Been years since I heard that one!
Animalatnight
04-27-08, 17:23
I saw where Paris Hilton was drafted into the NFL. Her postion? FLAT BACK, and she has a lot of practice at it.
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when
the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something
which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."
LordBlackAdder
04-28-08, 14:15
This week we celebrate a special birthday!* Monica Lewinsky turned 34.* Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House floor on her hands and knees, putting all sorts of dirty little things in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
The hardest part of being a seeing eye dog!
The Golf Lesson.
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then, she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead! '
He never even had a chance to duck.
With The Price Of Gas Going Up
I Purchased A West Virginia Motorcycle
A Cowasaki!
======================================
Hi SgtPerv,
I sincerely appreciate your contributions to the forum, but...
Would you please refrain from capitalizing the first letter of EVERY word in your reports!
It's difficult to read, it's time consuming to fix, and it takes you more work to write like that.
On behalf of myself and your fellow Forum Members: Thank You!
Jackson
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Wireless91910
05-02-08, 20:07
If encountered, you are advised to not make physical contact, and for the love of Baldy Cruiser, don't kiss them! For some reason they like hugging and kissing, but don't do it, because you'll NEVER be the same!??
I hope this reaches you in time!?
LordBlackAdder
05-02-08, 21:52
A spokesman for a community group in Liverpool has claimed that working-class people are finding it increasingly hard to come up with new derogatory descriptions of gay men and colourful references to the act of male-male intercourse.
John Harries said, ‘Most references are based around upper-class lifestyles. “Shirt-lifter???” Who has tails on their shirts these days? Toffs, that’s who. “Uphill Gardener” is another one. I live on the sixth floor of a high-rise what need would I have for a gardener? ”Chocolate chimney sweep” suggests a large Victorian home with a traditional open fire, while “Navigator of the Windward Passage” implies a man with his own bloody yacht!’
The claims have met with some sympathy from the Campaign for Better English who feel that certain Political Correctness has eroded the Working Man’s range of amusing and creative insults. References to burglar are unwelcome as it offends many of the professionals in the Toxteth area and ferrets aren’t widely kept since the rise in popularity of Internet porn.
‘The right to feel more manly by belittling homosexuals is a centuries old practice that has been traced back to cave paintings in France,’ claims Mr Harries. ‘After a hard day hunting the men gathered round the campfire and mocked those that weren’t as successful in the day’s hunt by questioning their sexuality with puns about spears and their favourite bit on the mammoth. But what sort of working man is going to feel comfortable using phrases like ‘Friend of Dorothy’ or ‘Gentleman of the Back Door’?’
MP Clare Roberts also backed the campaign saying, ‘what’s happening to the world when a man can’t unwind after a long working week by having a few pints in the local and swapping names for gay men that are both funny and class appropriate? It’s about time a nationwide competition is launched to make all such allusions class-neutral; the same as they are for muff-divers and carpet-munchers.’
Johnny Stales
05-03-08, 18:54
pillow-biter
round-mouth
ankle-grabber
butt-pirate
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does ... "A f r i c a n Elephant"
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more!"
"Nonsense, darling," replied John. "You just cook better now."
How to call the police when you're old and don't move fast anymore.
George of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house? ' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay, ' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them. ' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red handed! One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them! ' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!
Don't mess with old people.
Rail Monkey
05-06-08, 23:22
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A: A dick-tater!
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."
Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to th e toilet.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who res ponded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mu mmy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
&nb sp;
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
Breaking News.
Mexico drops out of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated:
'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams. '
Translation:
'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country. '
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? '
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why? '
The CEO then handed the guy $1, 600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back. '
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of th e long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your jo b assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh--tin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'
Warning - we had all better wake up and start paying attention!
This morning, Pakistani Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, AOL Help, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.
Who knew it would come to this. It's getting ugly.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John. "
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, "John. You're a Veterinarian, you sick bast***. "
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied,
"No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"Yes, We know, said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depo any more either."
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT I S A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and bre aking his nose.
In a biology class at Harvard University, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat. Have a good day."!"
DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we Decided to get married.
There was only one
Little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
Younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very Tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She Would regularly bend down when she was near Me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to Be deliberate... Because she never did it when she was Near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to Come over to check the wedding invitations. She was Alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she Had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't Overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once
Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if You want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go Up the stairs... I stood there for a moment, then turned And made a beeline straight to the front door. Opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing Outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our Little test. We couldn't ask for a better Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My grandfather is German and a farmer in Nebraska (yes, at 79 he's still at the farm). He was walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
Grandpa shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim you infidel, I don't understand German, speak English.'
Grandpa responds: 'Use two hands. You'll get more.'
Was in canadian HJ joint once on my back and the masseuse says in a joking way "you are in big trouble" to which I replied "I'm gonna be in bigger trouble in a moment". She says 'why?' I say 'here's why' and at that moment i fired my jizz across her chest. She was not amused.
Oh that was good.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.
Wireless91910
05-23-08, 12:39
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted.
'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course,
thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room
and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan
had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of
the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,
down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the
door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left..
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of theday:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Funny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This comes from a very seasoned guy: Have fun.
You may have been the one to post this a while back:
BBW = fat
Voluptuous = fat
Curvy = fat
Curvaceous = fat
Thick = fat
Rubenesque = fat
Womanly = fat
Gives bra size only? = fat
Busty = either saggy or fat
Naturally busty = saggy and fat
Real woman = saggy, fat and ugly
Slim = no boobs
Svelte = no boobs
Slender = no boobs
Dancer's body = no boobs
Bombshell = fake boobs
Baywatch = fake boobs
Playboy = fake boobs
Model = fake boobs
Brazilian = black
Caramel = black
Chocolate = black
Cuban = black
Ebony = black
Egyptian = black
Ethiopian = black
Exotic = black
Hawaiian = black
Mocha = black
Mulatto = black
Nubian = black
Mixed = black
Mature = old
Courtesan = old
Gracious = old
Refined = old
Elegant = old
Classic = old
Age = generally add a few years, here are some frequent exceptions:
College Student = late 20's
Just turned 18 = mid 20's
19 = possible jailbait
21 = late 20's
28 = late 30's
Intelligent = brunette
Sorority Girl = blonde
Selective = overpriced
Exclusive = very overpriced
Classy = can't afford lingerie
Freaky = doesn't shower between clients
Upscale = snooty personality
All American = trailer trash
Princess = I have an attitude problem
Las Vegas = Bellagio prices, Motel 6 service
coed = plain looking with acne problem
girl next door = looks like the boy next door
Goddess = If you believe this is me in the pictures...
Real Doll = Bubba brings you an inflatable doll, no refunds
Energetic = methamphetamine addict
Down to earth = boring
College graduate = sleeps with professors
open minded = openly accepts tips
New to business = changed name
New to area = changed name and moved across town
Up to an hour = 1 shot and she's gone.
Discreet = I check your ID
Discrete = I can't spell
Advance notice required = you'll never get a hold of me
Seeks generous gentleman = robs the elderly
Seeks generous businessmen = robs out-of-towners
Once in a lifetime experience = you won't repeat
I love what I do = I'm desperate for clients.
Satisfaction guaranteed = I guarantee I'm getting your money
Available 24/7 = my pimp never sleeps
What an ad DOESN'T say, is also a source of information. Unless specified, you can assume:
hair color = brown
hair length = to shoulder
eye color = brown
age = mature
height = short
weight = heavy
cup size = small
measurements = large
BE FOREWARNED!!
Zero Cool07
05-25-08, 15:24
Great post Worf1972 its funny but its also all true.
A good one from Rodney Dangerfield.
My dad said that one day he wants me to have kids of my own.
I want the same for him as well.
Rodney was the man.
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
Jeez
http://www.behance.net/Gallery/Skeleton/89205
A woman from Austin, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas.
There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall imbedded several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter, and how she came to receive all of the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife, and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
You've got to see this.
1st look at the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until
you want to see the Whale blow water.
Then move your cursor onto the picture and click it to activate and be sure that your sound is on
Worlds
Most Dangerous Creature
Well hell my apology it doesn't seem to be working sorry to have wasted your time :)
Male female orgasms http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
Quality Junk
05-28-08, 11:41
Male female orgasms http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
It wouldn't be so funny if it didn't hit so close to home. I had a great belly laugh.
Too funny Sgt
Male female orgasms http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
WARNING
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin right over to kick your white honky ass !!!!
THIS IS A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!
AJ
Cheating Wife...
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was
his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues."
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?
The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
Last Tuesday, as *President Bush* got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for "Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi"
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says "Excellent trade, sir."
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to
knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
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