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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYZDDSTsomE&feature=related
Mechanic69
11-17-08, 18:59
I have heard that Obama is going to fix everything.
No more war.
No more hunger.
No more poverty.
No more cancer.
No more illness of any kind.
No more hurt feelings.
No more missing socks.
No more global warming.
No more global cooling.
No more dogs chasing cats.
No more bad hair days.
No more dandruff.
No more worries.
And all of this caused by the evil W.
You guys can't F*cking stand it. Guess what, THERE AIN'T A F*CKING THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Get used to hearing President Obama.
You guys can't F*cking stand it. Guess what, THERE AIN'T A F*CKING THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Get used to hearing President Obama.
Doesn't mean we have to like it, but, I'm sure Socialism will work this time. lol
Redneck Play Station
http://majman.net/fly_loader.html
One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.' The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'
Doesn't mean we have to like it, but, I'm sure Socialism will work this time. lol
Look on the bright side; four years from now, everyone will forget about how bad they thought Bush was.
Kysalesguy
11-19-08, 16:24
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYZDDSTsomE&feature=relatedThats great! That's the funniest thing on you tube.
Thanks for posting this.
This guy shoves paint up his ass and craps out a master piece onto an easel.......:eek:
I am so NOT clicking on that!
Here, however, is something at least as bizarre, but not as repulsive... IMO. Isabella Rosselini acts out snail sex:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BckqviVaWl0
Healthy diet
"What is a healthy diet?" Asked a woman to a Doctor.
The wise doctor replied, "A penis is the greatest breakfast because it has a Mushroom head, a hot dog, two eggs and a cream which provides all the nutrients to make you healthy."
Of course he can afford the sessions.
Member #5805
11-23-08, 19:54
Ya know,,,just when you start to think you've seen everything , along come a freak to top them all.
Check out this b1tch, she can pop her ass out like the fvckin creature in Alien, the movie.......:eek:
Click the link......
http://video.stripclublist.com/video/scl61114g
Thanks Glen, I ate too much watching football today, thanks to that pic my stomach is now empty from vomiting.
This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.
The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.
Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick. He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.
The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Christmas Day Morning, As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards,neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts,and A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turke Y Guts Into His Shorts
Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good.
About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His
Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.
He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.
But By The Grace Of God,withsome Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.'
Member #5805
11-24-08, 20:55
Thanks Glen, I ate too much watching football today, thanks to that pic my stomach is now empty from vomiting.
I guess I had too many beers watching the games last night. I just looked at this again and realized it was good old PZ!!!!
Okaynow 2001
11-25-08, 16:00
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads
for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'
She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's
attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabul
ary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
....."I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
Quality Junk
11-26-08, 10:29
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
:) I laughed my head off John, but won't this JOKE cause another rabid response from the victocrats?
Here we go again....
:) I laughed my head off John, but won't this JOKE cause another rabid response from the victocrats? Here we go again....
Funny, most of those trailer park chase scenes look pretty white to me. I'm just saying.
An elderly couple are at church.........
About halfway through the church service,
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says: "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!!!"
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are
called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and
asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college
men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for
Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses
THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for
February, one for March........'
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.'
It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he
asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for
speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a
light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the
barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me
that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You¢ll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on and see the greeter!!
Stormrider
11-27-08, 03:19
In the course of shopping for furnishings for their new home, the young newleywed couple found themselves in an antique store. Upon taking a look around the store, they found an old mirror back in the corner that had a rather outlandish price on it. They were talking about the mirror and its exorbitant price when the shop owner passed by and heard the conversation. He smiled and told them that the price was that high because the mirror had magical powers. They laughed and obviously did not believe his story. He told them that he would gladly demonstrate the mirror's power, which was simply that it would grant any one wish from an individual once per week, so long as the wish was phrased in a rhyme. He then said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, please make me grow to 6 feet tall!" POOF! The previously short shop owner was now a strapping six foot man.
The couple was convinced and purchased the mirror. They took the mirror home and found that in fit on the closet door in their bedroom quite nicely. Later that evening, the young wife could not wait any longer. She was rather flat chested and decided to do something about it. She went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my tits a perfect 44! POOF! She now was sporting a perfectly shaped pair of hooters that a porn star would envy.
The wife ran downstairs to tell her husband. "Honey! Look what I wished for and got from the magic mirror!" Her husband's eyes opened wide in amazement. He himself had an idea as to what he wanted to please his wife a bit more in the bedroom. He by no means was challenged when it came to penis size, but face, what guy doesn't want a huge schlong if given the opportunity?
The husband went upstairs and looked in the mirror. He then shouted, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my dick touch the floor!" POOF! WHAM! His legs disappeared and he fell to the floor, and to add insult to injury, crushed his nads when he landed!
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positi ve rol l model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
I was out walking with my 3-year-old Granddaughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her
mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my Granddaughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you
don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, 'Grandpa, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was
thinking quickly. 'All Grandpas know this stuff. It's on the Grandpa Test.
You have to know it, or they won't let you be a Grandpa.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you
don't pass the test you have to be the Grandma'.
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my
face.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $3. 5 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know.
This may be my last email to you for some time. LMFAO ;)
As a result of the election outcome, I have made the decision to leave home for the next 4 years and become more directly involved with a guerrilla group on our Texas/Mexican border which is fighting to protect our nation against illegal and undesirable immigrants.
I have been in contact with this group for a number of years, and now I will finally join them.
I know many of you won't understand- - but I have not made this decision lightly. Nothing you can say or do will stop me from doing what I truly believe in. These border crossers must be stopped at all costs. If this works out the way I hope, it's possible I will never come back. A photo of my guerrilla group is attached.
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift..
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary*.*
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,
in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
10. Talk about a huge breast!
9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
7. That's one terrific spread!
6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
4. Don't play with your meat.
3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
2. How long will it take after you stick it in?
The Number #1 thing you can only say on Thanksgiving....
1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Ya know,,,just when you start to think you've seen everything , along come a freak to top them all.
Check out this b1tch, she can pop her ass out like the fvckin creature in Alien, the movie.......:eek:
Click the link......
http://video.stripclublist.com/video/scl61114g
You see now this is the results of a bad addiction to fisting. Damn Glenn, where the hell do you find this stuff..lol
Misfit
Hi there, I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking. This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out......
Please don't think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is due in 1 month?
Santa Claus
The Rules of Drunk Dialing
1. It is only drunk dialing if you are in fact drunk .
2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night . If you don' t remember it, it didn' t happen.
3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald' s and they' re playing our song.
I love you"
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is alway s preferred. Who doesn 't want to hear your best raspy , phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
5. Voice mails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is alright. .. If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober .
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they' ve ever had and every thing they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night .
8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you.
Then explain to them that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. It is alway s a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voice mail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry .
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13. If you deleted a number sober , it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Alway s call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember every thing happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don' t call this person you' ll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone .
17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing. ... Be prepared.
18. When dialing remember that " hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn 't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepa red when you really do want to play X- box when your drunk . .... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19. Don' t drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when you' re far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night .
20. Never , I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grand pa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes .
The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fuckin difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another..
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plat e of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season
We've all been there but don't like to admit it..
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around
the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers.. If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a
man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at
a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the*COURTESY
FLUSH*.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work
and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used
to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential*TURD
BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
*CAMO-COUGH*.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,
trembling and purple from straining so hard.
* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block
before you poop.
*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating
in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.
*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.
*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on
the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits
you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And
when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water
starts to rise...
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING. POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Bubba had shingles
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles. ' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' The doctor asked, 'Where? ' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'them?"
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty -five miles to school every morning
. Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something,
We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
Then we had to hand write all the notes!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolut ion 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders, Frogger' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guid e to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===================================
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," Steve replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
Steve then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I
rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have
ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a
sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And she asked seductively if
I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Steve
asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate for a dumb
ass like you."
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood
before the congregation and asked for a raise. After
much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the
church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor
rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from
God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire
congregation said,'Amen.'
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took
45 minutes to restore order in the classroom ..........
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays,
I go on Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Her's is in California
and mine is in Washington DC
I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair .
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
she told me "In the lake"
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
"Am I too late for the garbage?" .....
The driver said "No, jump in!"
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it......... this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start
with a four letter word....... just clean and simple fun!!
Sleigh Bail-Out (Violent Night Studios 2008) Seasonal documentary in the Ken Burns tradition. A visibly thinner and humbler Santa Clause makes the long trek to Washington DC, in hopes of being awarded untold billions to continue sliding down the floos. As Santa puts forth his pitiful plea, there are audible sobs in Congress as he describes how his sleigh needs retooling, his elves have shriveled in size, and the reindeer have resorted to cannibalism. Santa also laments that if he cannot deliver toys, the only thing Americans can play with would be their own genitalia. In an obvious ploy for sympathy, this enchanting film ends with lingering close-ups of leathery corpses under the Christmas tree. Bonus scene: there is a short appearance by O. J. Simpson stealing childrens' toy footballs.
•The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.
•The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
•The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
•The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided
to wash their hands of the whole thing.
•The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
•The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
•The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
•In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ass holes in Washington.
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:
http://vili.us/hypno.html
The patriot micro chip is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
U. S. M. C.
RULES FOR A GUN FIGHT
1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap. Life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap. Funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire! " Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will. And who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder, " "Glock" or "Winchester? "
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy. "
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket. " At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperatire.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney. "
Finally, Gunny's Rules For Un-armed Combat.
1: Never be unarmed.
Cripes, Even GWB can't get it right!
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!?
WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!!!
http://www.hogrockcafe.com/male_therapy.htm
The geography of a woman (by ron unsworth)
**The Geography Of A Woman
· Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
· Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
· Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
· Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
· Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
· Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
· Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
· After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
**The Geography Of A Man
· Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
I said:.......................................................
True tech support call
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it. "At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Twas The Night Before Christmas, He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About, A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents, Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle, Just Boots Filled With Sand,
On The Wall Hung Pictures Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges, Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sober Thought Came Through My Mind.
For This House Was Different, It Was Dark And Dreary,
I Found The Home Of A Soldier, Once I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping, Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle, The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho, The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World, The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers, Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened And I Heard A Rough Voice,
'santa Don't Cry, This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom, I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God, My Country, My Corps.'
The Soldier Rolled Over And Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It, I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours, So Silent And Still
And We Both Shivered From The Cold Night's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over, With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, 'carry On Santa, It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure.'
One Look At My Watch, And I Knew He Was Right.
'merry Christmas My Friend,! And To All A Good Night.'
deer santa:
I wood like a kool toy space rainjur four Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yor Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play Station, a train, some Play Station games, a dog,
a drum set, a pony and a bike.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I'm giving you a doll instead
because I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the tight asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table.
Santa P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, and do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'll be
skipping your house this year.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please please please
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Jim had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He might see the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Bill, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..'
'Great', says Jim, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.'
As Bill is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.
'Not a problem' says Jim. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Jim, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
If you haven't seen this you really must - just watch the video - It is just too funny for words!
http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/videoPage.aspx
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to
see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from
which to begin the session said, "Tell me about something the
two of you have in common."
The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dick."
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such agood man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hangout with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah,that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said,'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you havesome major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
\
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. He trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it is winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK! "
An elderly gentleman.
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. '
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times! '
_____________________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel? '
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby. '
'Really! Like a newborn baby! '
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. '
_______________________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. '
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant? '
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know. The one that's red and has thorns. ' 'Do you mean a rose? '
'Yes, that's the one, ' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? '
_____________________________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit case at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know, ' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. '
_________________________________________________________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen? ' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? '
'Sure. '
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? ' she asks.
'No, I can remember it. '
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it? '
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget tha t, write it down? ' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake! '
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast? '
__________________________________________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married? '
'Yep! '
'Do I know her? '
'Nope! '
'This woman, is she good looking? '
'Not really. '
'Is she a good cook? '
'Naw, she can't cook too well. '
'Does she have lots of money? '
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse. '
'Well, then, is she good in bed? '
'I don't know. '
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then? '
'Because she can still drive! '
_______________________________________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it? '
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday! '
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer. '
__________________________________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect. '
' Really, ' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it? '
'Twelve thirty. '
____________________________________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you? '
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. ''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; Be careful. '
______________________________________________________________________
One more. !
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts? '
'No, ' he replied, 'arthritis. '
________________________________________________________________
Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!
KC Questor
12-11-08, 23:38
http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212
Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
My Dear Friend,
Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was:
'What do you like most in a woman?'
'My dick' is not an appropriate answer.
Thank you for your interest
How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered !
" GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA "
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" t o disconnect until you learn to speak English
And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you ,
Jesus Christ
and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul , the other for your freedom .
Ring of fire to the tune of Johnny Cash. The lyrics have been changed to accommodate Mexicans salsa.
Truly hilarious
http://www.bentbay.dk/ring_of_Fire.htm
The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns,
American politicians can return to reality. For instance Sarah Palin has invited
to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other
prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy
will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Have a cup of coffee--it's already been saucered and blowed.
She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
He's as country as cornbread.
This is gooder'n grits.
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I'm 'bout as... Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
'Busy as a moth in a mitten.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them.Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from 'round here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: 'Most Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. 'Buy your bread and milk.'
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
and my own favorite....
Beer is only singular if you're talking about a six-pack!
IF you see a fat man...
Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and
a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
While flying around
in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
Then let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He
would be 129 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel
Prize winner married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage
dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated
that he was attracted to Elsa because
she was so well endowed. He postulated
that if you are attracted to women with
large breasts, the attraction is even stronger
if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be know as......
Einstein's Theory of
'Relative Titty'
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work. ' The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
Watch this. ' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. ' Say, that's pretty neat, ' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police. ' 'I like it! ' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on? '
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for hour, sister? ' he asks.
'$100, ' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style? ' 'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style. ' 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300. ' 'No', she says.
'I pay you $400. ' 'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1, 000 to do Immigrant Style. ' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Immigrant Style be? ''. So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'? '
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'
Good story and even better picture!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
An early Christmas message from santa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzOqYOmgMNg
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he
asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"
I said, " Nothin' "
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
Most Unfortunate Name Poll
What were their parents thinking?
Sometimes a name can mean a little more than the sum of its parts. With that in mind, we are proud to present to you the top 30 most unfortunate name combinations we could find. If you don't believe these are for real, jump over to a search engine and see for yourself (just be careful - depending on how you search, the results may not be safe for work in some instances).
Think of this as a list of what not to name your baby.
Help us find the top name by voting! You'll be able to see the overall results once you have made your selection.
Dick Rash
Mike Hunt
Phuc Yu
Harry Dick
Jack Imhoff
Yu Suk
Dick Hurtz
Buster Cherry
Ben Dover
Adam Hoare
Harry Butz
Dick Butkus
Mike Rotch
Richard Head
Ima Hogg
Joe King
Wayne Kerr
Dick Pound
Anitta Johnson
Ivan Odor
Hugh Jassman
Dwayne Pipe
Paige Turner
Alex Cox
Helen Back
Candy Kane
Gene Pool
Nikki Knuckles
Robyn Banks
Sandy Beach
http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/mediadetails.php?key=c9fbda33390214f0dfea&title=Getting+Nasty
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he=2 0follows them
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Ex cuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Belief
When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
Top ten actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
but at No 1, it had to be...
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came by slowly. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession had passed. Of course, by then, the deer was long gone. The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsman like act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world! " The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."
Christmas Balloon Dance
Merry Christmas
http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/christmas_balloons.shtml
LordBlackAdder
12-15-08, 22:57
Children were left devastated today at the news that failed Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had shot and killed Santa’s chief reindeer, Rudolph. Dancer and Vixen were also injured in the incident yesterday evening as Santa and his team flew over Alaska on their return from a pre-Christmas practice run.
The Palins were apparently enjoying a ramble through the Alaskan wilderness in search of oil and natural gas reserves when they were frightened by a sudden noise overhead. ‘We heard bells jingling and a clatter of hooves, and whatever it was left a twinkly vapour trail behind it,’ said Sarah Palin today. ‘We assumed it was a UFO as they’re pretty common round these parts, so naturally me and the kids unloaded our shotguns into the sky. I couldn’t believe it when three reindeer fell to the ground. My previous biggest kill was a moose.’
There are now real concerns that Santa’s depleted team will not be able to make their deliveries and children everywhere will awake on Christmas Day to empty stockings. Santa was unavailable for comment today and was last seen circling anticlockwise over Anchorage following the loss of his lead right reindeer.
Palin refused to accept any criticism for the death of the famous red-nosed reindeer, explaining that hunting was a way of life for many Americans in remote states like Alaska. ‘Actually the red nose gave us something to aim at. Of course I recognise that this year’s festive season might be a little different now – we have got one hell of a lot of venison for this year’s Christmas dinner.’
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths ', I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr . Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive'
Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson, Corvallis , OR
5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, e ntered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff=2 0noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'
It's never too early for a good Christmas Cookie recipe. Just had to share this wonderful recipe.
Christmas Cookies
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try
another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and
add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging
fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the dried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check
for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something . Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Don't
forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MIXTMAS
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to
see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
This becomes effective January 1, 2009 in ALL states.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much
as 45%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. '
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like? '
The old timer says. 'Doesn't matter.-- let's look for yours. '
Most of us old timers are helpful like that.
This is totally outrageously wonderful.
Enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRfvSOuwM_4&feature=related
DEAR SANTA,
YOU MUST BE SURPRISE THAT I'M WRITING TO YOU TODAY, THE 26th OF DECEMBER.
WELL,I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CLEAR UP CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAVE OCCURRED
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH, WHEN, FILLED WITH ILLUSION, I WROTE YOU
MY LETTER. I ASKED FOR A BICYCLE, AN ELECTRIC TRAIN SET, A PAIR OF ROLLER
BLADES, AND A FOOTBALL UNIFORM. I DESTROY MY BRAIN STUDYING THE WHOLE
YEAR. NOT ONLY WAS I THE FIRST IN MY CLASS, BUT I HAD THE BEST GRADES IN
THE WHOLE SCHOOL . I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY
ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT BEHAVED BETTER THAN ME,WITH MY PARENTS, MY
BROTHERS, MY FRIENDS, AND WITH MY NEIGHBORS. I WOULD GO ON ERRANDS, AND
EVEN HELP THE ELDERLY CROSS THE STREET. THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NOTHING WITHIN
REACH THAT I WOULD NOT DO FOR HUMANITY. WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A
FUCKING YOYO, A LAME WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF UGLY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE
YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE
FUCKING YEAR TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. AS IF
YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE GUIFF ACROSS THE STREET
SO MANY TOYS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE. DON'T LET ME SEE YOU
TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASSS DOWN THE CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR. I'LL FUCK YOU
UP. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID REINDEER AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO
YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE. JUST LIKE WHAT I HAVE
TO DO NOW SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE. FUCK YOU SANTA. NEXT
YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN BE, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER.
SINCERELY,
LITTLE JOHNNY
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your Damn bills!
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so,
I took her to a gas station.....
And that's how the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream. . .
And that's how the fight started.
**********************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Securi ty office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too' . . . .
And that's how the fight started.....
**********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
**********************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
**********************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud,
you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'.... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Frankie booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said , "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers! '
LordBlackAdder
12-23-08, 13:03
True stories of people who have killed themselves in really stupid ways hopefully before they have really stupid kids.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,'
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it
collapsed, he was buried beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns
and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP (he did not kill himself)
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM . Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt
to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems
to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S--t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL!!!
LordBlackAdder
12-23-08, 13:17
Microsoft launches Concentration Breaker 3.0
Microsoft has proudly announced a raft of new ways to frustrate users and lower productivity with its new version of its celebrated Concentration Breaker software.
The company’s stated aim was to build upon the success of previous productivity blockers, such as the Pop Up cartoon paperclip, the upgrade warnings and the indecipherable error messages. But ‘Concentration Breaker’ was not succeeding in completely stopping people from working, explained Bill Gates. ‘These individual distractions are annoying, but they’re not the holistic, end to end, integrated distraction we believe is possible’ he said.
With Concentration Breaker 3.0 Microsoft has dreamed up a imaginative range of ways to stop you remaining focussed. The layout of your favourite application is automatically shuffled every time you switch on your computer, and the shortcuts alter even during the time you are using a given programme. The ‘Are you sure’ feature, traditionally one of the strongest areas for inducing frustration, has been greatly enhanced; now the user is asked twenty-one questions before he can send a single document to the printer. These include ‘What is the cube root of 512?’ and ‘What is the capital of Chad?’
The language software is now programmed to recognize definitive statements as they are typed into Word or emails, at which point an electronic voice will say ‘Rubbish’, ‘Not true’ or ‘You’re a big fat liar’. And best of all, in place of a paperclip or a little animated dog, the image of an ugly and aggressive man pops up at random moments and makes obscene gestures at you from the screen.
Unfortunately the official launch of Concentration Breaker 3.0 was cut short when the computer froze and all the work done that morning was permanently lost. At which point the assembled reporters realized that this too was part of the software’s work-preventing design and spontaneous applause broke out across the hall. The programme is expected to get rave reviews once the journalists have worked out which laptop keys now correspond to which letters.
Shrek, Beyonce and Denzel Washington were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?
Beyonce agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes
I wonder.'
Denzel Washington said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the strongest, Beyonce was the most gorgeous and
Denzel Washington was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day
for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Beyonce perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the
most gorgeous woman alive.'
But Denzel Washington lifted his sad, handsome face and said.......
Who the hell is CookyJar ...????
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that's right!!!
Seasons Greeting
CookyJar
be careful shopping at Home Depot during the holidays
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy halters. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. Also December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for $1.99 each.
Member #4064
12-24-08, 21:21
DEAR SANTA,
YOU MUST BE SURPRISE THAT I'M WRITING TO YOU TODAY, THE 26th OF DECEMBER.
WELL,I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CLEAR UP CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAVE OCCURRED
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH, WHEN, FILLED WITH ILLUSION, I WROTE YOU
MY LETTER. I ASKED FOR A BICYCLE, AN ELECTRIC TRAIN SET, A PAIR OF ROLLER
BLADES, AND A FOOTBALL UNIFORM. I DESTROY MY BRAIN STUDYING THE WHOLE
YEAR. NOT ONLY WAS I THE FIRST IN MY CLASS, BUT I HAD THE BEST GRADES IN
THE WHOLE SCHOOL . I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY
ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT BEHAVED BETTER THAN ME,WITH MY PARENTS, MY
BROTHERS, MY FRIENDS, AND WITH MY NEIGHBORS. I WOULD GO ON ERRANDS, AND
EVEN HELP THE ELDERLY CROSS THE STREET. THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NOTHING WITHIN
REACH THAT I WOULD NOT DO FOR HUMANITY. WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A
FUCKING YOYO, A LAME WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF UGLY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE
YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE
FUCKING YEAR TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. AS IF
YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE GUIFF ACROSS THE STREET
SO MANY TOYS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE. DON'T LET ME SEE YOU
TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASSS DOWN THE CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR. I'LL FUCK YOU
UP. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID REINDEER AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO
YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE. JUST LIKE WHAT I HAVE
TO DO NOW SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE. FUCK YOU SANTA. NEXT
YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN BE, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER.
SINCERELY,
LITTLE JOHNNY
Dear Little Johnny,
I was a surprised also to get your letter. I read everything you said. However, I think it is necessary to clear things up a bit. I also get letters from many others and I have some facts to give you.
Yes, you got all A’s in your classes but it wasn’t from studying. It was because you are the biggest cheater in the school. Little Billy wrote me and told me you told him if he didn’t give you all the answers to your tests you would steal his lunch money. In fact you did 3 times you little thief. You also told me about your neighborhood. You should know the neighborhood as you got caught soaping all the neighbors windows. Oh, and that little old lady you helped across the street is true…..but it was more like pushing her wheelchair into the street and she almost got hit by 3 cars.
You are the worst kid I see all Christmas eve. This year I am giving my Reindeer olive oil about a mile before I get to your house and they are going to crap all over your roof.
It also occurred to me that you use the F-word very often. In fact, Marylou wrote to me and told me you could not stop lifting her dress in school you little pervert.
I would clean up your act you little shithead….
Santa
Photocopier Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afBWfcFX9Kc&feature=related
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'
Urban Dictionary is the slang dictionary you wrote.
vegetarian
A bad hunter. Someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff that food eats.
The vegetarian was forced to subsist on slower prey, such as the broccoli and carrot.
DearHunter
12-28-08, 02:41
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
This isn't about mongering but it is hillarious nontheless...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhIpkynTmqY
Hope you enjoy..
Seva Lurker
12-30-08, 19:04
I don't recall seeing this show up here, but don't we all wish we had a girlfriend (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-09.html) like this?
Now this guy (http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-08.html) really needs to take up mongering. He obviously doesn't have a girl friend like the one above.
Gee I LOVE the Darwin Awards.
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and
even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
How a NASCAR victory should be celebrated for that matter televised also!
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=1918NASCAR_Victory.mpeg
"Late again," the
third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault
this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy
sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had
taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her
mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by
that.
Full of grins and mischief,
and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble
were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss
Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed
Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a
noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and
said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a
gonna git him!''
"Stay back, he
whispered to all us kids!"
"He was naked as a
jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he
crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck
that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of
the coop."
"As he stared into the
darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke,
had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck
his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Crabtree, we all
been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin'
How a Real Man Takes Off His Underwear. Some people are nuts what do they think?
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear.wmv
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around
with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become a
Congressman.
Down from the AP, apparently this is why Barkley was speeding.
Monger on Barkley!
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that damn party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
This is pretty funny, but the comments at the bottom are hilarious!
Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy:
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17, 000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND! "
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep, ' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes. And here I am being kind. Like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result. ' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy? ' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than. When you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17, 000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something; up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up? ' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha, ' I said And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine, ' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excell ent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
The subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet? "
3. "Can you hear me NOW? "
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? "
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. "
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? "
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. "
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! "
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. "
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? "
And the best one of all.
12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? "
Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration?
Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so.
Bottom line . . we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember. Ready?
It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.
The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO "LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL". HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT.......HUH? AND NOW
IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS 'NECESSARY' DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES & APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES & LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Ah yes, good 'ole bureaucracy. And now we are going to turn the Banking System over to them?.............."God Help us!!"
This is an actual barbershop in Poland .
They say women are not smarter than men?
Yeah, right... this is get ritch quick IMHO
Be honest:
If this barbershop was in your community
How many haircuts would you get a month?!
Wrap-up 2008 by Uncle Jay.
Pretty good
http://www.unclejayexplains.com/media/UJ%2012-22-08.wmv
Three reasons to live in a warm climate, first One then the other two!
Seva Lurker
01-07-09, 08:32
Three reasons to live in a warm climate, first One then the other two!
A John, but imagine having those other two reasons shivering from the cold and looking to you to get them out of the cold and keep them warm. :D
KC Questor
01-07-09, 16:08
This is an actual barbershop in Poland .
They say women are not smarter than men?
Yeah, right... this is get ritch quick IMHO
Be honest:
If this barbershop was in your community
How many haircuts would you get a month?!
We have better...
Topless Haircuts in Kansas City (http://kc.backpage.com/NoStringsAttached/classifieds/ViewAd?oid=1347957)
would you like a haircut from a sexy lady with nice tits and a perfect ass not to mention i will be topless and in a sexy thong or maybe my hot pink school girl outfit.its your choice.if you want to know more you can call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx amy.i have over 20 years of exp. in cutting hair,owned my own salon for 20 years.you wont be disappointed.here's a couple of pics of me to keep your intrest.
One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle , NSW was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'
'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'
1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV? ' I said, 'Dust. ' And then the fight started.
2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. ' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started.
3. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started.
4. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too. ' And then the fight started.
5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her? ' 'Yes, ' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. ' 'My God! ' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? ' And then the fight started.
6. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please. " He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow? "" Nah, she can order for herself. " And then the fight started.
7. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. ' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. ' And then the fight started.
8. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14. 95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7. 95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.
9. My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started. 10. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband! ' So the man jumped out of the bed; Scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband! ' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running? ' And then the fight started.
11. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible. ' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that? ' And then the fight started.
12. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! " she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen? " And that's when the fight started.
13. My wife was mad at me and said "that's it, I am going to cut you off. I said, "technically you need to be having some sort of sex periodically in order to be able tocut me off"! And that's when the fight started.
14. My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex? " "No, " she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer? " She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes. " So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend. " And that's when the fight started.
Cleavage Lover
01-08-09, 02:04
This is an actual barbershop in Poland .
They say women are not smarter than men?
Yeah, right... this is get ritch quick IMHO
Be honest:
If this barbershop was in your community
How many haircuts would you get a month?!
I was surfing thru the photos and came a cross these. I am near Canton, Ohio, and there was a similiar kind of place in large, popular township out of Canton City called Jackson Twp, back in the mid the early to mid 1980's. It made the newspapers, and they got alot of business, so naturally, the local Leo's also watched it, and went in under cover, and even though I don't think anything out of the normal happened, Leo got with all the neighbors and churches, and the zoning board, and eventually, within about 8 months, they got it shut down. Darn.
I never was able to go there, but I always wondered if you could get them topless, or completely naked for more $, or if you get some "extra" for even more $$?? I wonder if they'd trim my hair around "ping & pong"? haha, but then again, I don't know if I'd ever want any female with any sharp objects around that area?!?!
Cleavage Lover
Too funny Cleavage LOL
I never was able to go there, but I always wondered if you could get them topless, or completely naked for more $, or if you get some "extra" for even more $$?? I wonder if they'd trim my hair around "ping & pong"? haha, but then again, I don't know if I'd ever want any female with any sharp objects around that area?!?!Cleavage Lover
LordBlackAdder
01-08-09, 13:51
Al Gore has been keeping his defeat in the 2000 Presidential election a secret from his wife, it emerged today. For the past eight years he has pretended to go off to work each day to ‘run the country’. So depressed was he about the outcome of the 2000 US presidential election, that he was unable to break the news of his defeat to wife Tipper after some television networks initially declared him the victor.
‘It’s been a struggle,’ admitted Gore in an interview with Fox News. ‘I’ve grown to hate that man Bush more than I thought could be possible. Not only do I get up each day to find that he’s doing the job I should be doing, but he is doing it real well and I then have to pretend to go and do it anyway.’ Gore went on to describe how he has employed a team of ‘advisors’ and ‘security personnel’ to supervise wife Tipper and keep her away from all forms of media in case she caught on that her husband wasn’t actually the 43rd president of the United States.
‘Obviously Tipper was keen to get into the White House and make her mark on the place, but I had to keep stalling her,’ Gore explained. ‘At first I claimed it was being redecorated, but that only bought me a few weeks, so then I said there was subsidence. I was quite pleased with that one, but it was 9/11 that really put me in the clear. After that I was able to tell her that the CIA had credible intelligence the White House was a target for terrorists and it was best we just stayed put in the family home in Nashville, Tennessee.’
Although Gore admitted that he felt awful regaling his wife each night with accounts of his fictional successes. Something that was much easier to do while things went well during Bush's first 6 years in office, but somehting that became increasingly difficult to do whenthe Democrats took control of Congress 2 years ago and things started to tailspin. It was finding things to occupy his time that proved his biggest challenge. ‘To be honest, I’d never been too fussed about the environment or good causes,’ he said, while commenting on his fantasy film "Inconvienent Truth", ‘but everyone needs a hobby and there are only so many times I could recount all those votes cast in Florida.’
While Tipper Gore is reported to be looking forward to resuming normal life after the conclusion of husband Al’s ‘second term’ on 20 January, she has apparently written to Michelle Obama warning her that being First Lady may not turn out to be quite what she’d expected. Gore meanwhile has conceded that he’ll need to draw on all the qualities that made him one of America’s greatest presidents if he is to explain to his wife the recent deterioration in Israeli-Palestinian relations following the historic 2006 ‘President Gore Peace Accord’, for which he told his wife he received the Nobel Prize was for.
Al Gore has been keeping his defeat in the 2000 Presidential election a secret from his wife, it emerged today. For the past eight years he has pretended to go off to work each day to ‘run the country’. So depressed was he about the outcome of the 2000 US presidential election, that he was unable to break the news of his defeat to wife Tipper after some television networks initially declared him the victor.
‘It’s been a struggle,’ admitted Gore in an interview with Fox News. ‘I’ve grown to hate that man Bush more than I thought could be possible. Not only do I get up each day to find that he’s doing the job I should be doing, but he is doing it real well and I then have to pretend to go and do it anyway.’ Gore went on to describe how he has employed a team of ‘advisors’ and ‘security personnel’ to supervise wife Tipper and keep her away from all forms of media in case she caught on that her husband wasn’t actually the 43rd president of the United States.
‘Obviously Tipper was keen to get into the White House and make her mark on the place, but I had to keep stalling her,’ Gore explained. ‘At first I claimed it was being redecorated, but that only bought me a few weeks, so then I said there was subsidence. I was quite pleased with that one, but it was 9/11 that really put me in the clear. After that I was able to tell her that the CIA had credible intelligence the White House was a target for terrorists and it was best we just stayed put in the family home in Nashville, Tennessee.’
Although Gore admitted that he felt awful regaling his wife each night with accounts of his fictional successes. Something that was much easier to do while things went well during Bush's first 6 years in office, but somehting that became increasingly difficult to do whenthe Democrats took control of Congress 2 years ago and things started to tailspin. It was finding things to occupy his time that proved his biggest challenge. ‘To be honest, I’d never been too fussed about the environment or good causes,’ he said, while commenting on his fantasy film "Inconvienent Truth", ‘but everyone needs a hobby and there are only so many times I could recount all those votes cast in Florida.’
While Tipper Gore is reported to be looking forward to resuming normal life after the conclusion of husband Al’s ‘second term’ on 20 January, she has apparently written to Michelle Obama warning her that being First Lady may not turn out to be quite what she’d expected. Gore meanwhile has conceded that he’ll need to draw on all the qualities that made him one of America’s greatest presidents if he is to explain to his wife the recent deterioration in Israeli-Palestinian relations following the historic 2006 ‘President Gore Peace Accord’, for which he told his wife he received the Nobel Prize was for.Sorry LBA, jokes about that loser just aren't funny anymore. Even if he now looks like he back into a air hose.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Funny thing Tipper`s father owened a plumbing supply house at one time. I often though if maybe she and Joe the plumber ever hook up?
A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'; the Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there wa s a scream, then a ch eer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in20the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before! '
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. '
So the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off! '
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated
part time job. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have
become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been
instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart..
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's
9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are
you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,' so, she gave him a hug and
walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and
walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his johnson, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate. No reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
He bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring.
The Mustang Ranch
and The $750 billion bail-out
Back in 1990, The Government seized The Mustang Ranch Brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed and it CLOSED!. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling booze.
Now, If that don't make you nervous, what does???
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a Deserted street with your wife
And two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the Knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds Before he reaches you and your family. What
Do You do?
................................. ..........................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does
The man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
Would inspire
Him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
Think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
And knock
The knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
This situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
Of message
Does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
Happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
He be
Content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
On, could my
Family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
Paint and weed day and
Make this happier, healthier street that
Would
Discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
Debate this with
Some friends for few days and try to come to a
Consensus.
..................................................................
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
...........................................................
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those The Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?
Son: 'Can I shoot the next One?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfrie nd and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here, ' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. ' OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No, ' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long. ' The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, ' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this. ' The devil smiled and said. .
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly you realize. .
You're listening to your IPod!
I become semantically confused when I hear these terms that use the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. Until. Today, when I overheard two farmers talking. One of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows. BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing.
I hope that you are now as enlightened as I am.
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
how-to-sell-cars.wmv :
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=how_to_sell_cars.wmv
The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure? '
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. '
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
'Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. '
God Bless the Marine Corps.
Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking
lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now 'cause I have to work in the morning.
**********************************************************
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.
Chessie Chaser
01-15-09, 04:20
There is a new film being released next week:
The Red State Menace: Hollywood patriotism returns with a vengeance in this contemporary crime thriller starring George Clooney as an undercover G-Man who infiltrates a Kansas Rotary Club to uncover Republican subversives for the House Un-Obama Activities Committee.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry ,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do' said Bob.
'Did you, uhh, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and bust her in the ass?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
I think I've seen it all now!
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mld/cas/991548962.html
LordBlackAdder
01-16-09, 13:40
A true story.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was also one of her ancestors. Remus was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
She discovered the only known photograph of Remus showing him standing on the gallows in Montana territory, before he died. On the back of the picture was the inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
LordBlackAdder
01-16-09, 13:47
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in thefamily business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful womanhe had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
LordBlackAdder
01-16-09, 13:53
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments ofmanure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed alot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,it not only becameheavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles ofmanure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks sothat any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T,'(Ship High InTransit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
LordBlackAdder
01-16-09, 13:57
African laxative about to start working. Very quickly.
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the samesleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she inthe lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend thatwe're married.'
Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.
The End
Qualifications
A man is seeking to join the Bloomfield, New Jersey's Sheriff's Office.
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Vegas Partier
01-17-09, 11:21
A true story.Not actually true: http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp
Would've been funny if it had been, though. :)
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers - Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
NiceGuy Dayton
01-18-09, 00:49
I was in Las Vegas a while back and having heard about the legal brothels with hostesses that make Pamela Anderson look bac, felt like I "had" to visit them. I called ahead to get rates and directions and should have taken a clue in the abiguity of "follow that a while" and "turn left and drive 'till you see the red light". Shit, several hours later I finally find it. The parking lot is completely empty, so I park near the fence line in front of the electrically controlled access door. I get out the the car only to hear someone shout from inside the house "you're in handicap parking, you'll have to move". I do and enter. There, I am presented with 8 of the ugliest skank 'hos in the free world. Having witnessed the death of my oldest and dearest fantasy, I leave looking forward to hours of time private time to contemplate where I went wrong.
S.H.I.T.
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F. " He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T. " She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F, " more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T. " The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F. " The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T. " The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday. ' Get it, duuhhh? " The man answered, yes, 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'
Bailout Plan by Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno Show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXznKV7rw7k
Some 'dirtbag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:
Naturally, the media went nuts and asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:
'Because that's all the ammunition we had !!'
Hlthyguy30
01-19-09, 00:18
LOL, read this Best of Craigslist. Classic. (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/978242424.html)
LordBlackAdder
01-19-09, 22:06
The limo that will transport Barack Obama to his inauguration has been transformed by the team from MTV’s Pimp My Ride. The Presidential car, a Cadillac limousine, now has blue fluorescent lights under the chassis, flared wheel arches and go-faster giant flames painted all over the bodywork.
‘The brief for the MTV team was to create a wagon that will allow a modern President to really connect with the public, particularly young people,’ said Pimp My Ride presenter Xzibit. The Presidential limousine also has 19 inch chrome alloy wheels complete with spinners, voice activated sound and vision system, and an in-built laser show that projects the President’s image onto anything within 10 feet of the vehicle. The car has also been turned into a low rider with adjustable suspension.
It is thought that Obama will have the car on three wheels for tomorrow’s inauguration. When he exits the vehicle, he will stand in front of it for one minute whilst it bounces up and down in time to the movement of his hands. It is also rumoured that the car has a hot tub hidden in the boot but this is thought to be for private moments with the First Lady only.
The new Presidential limo got a mixed reaction from a group of young people invited to the launch; ‘I think this is great; W was so boring but Obama is already showing that he is gonna be one cool President,’ said 14 year old Casey Wojzkinski. Another onlooker however was not so happy, 15 year old Josh Wenner commented, ‘Blue neon tubes? What a loser, they are soooo last decade.’ But Obama was upbeat about the new limo, ‘What we have done, on this day, to this car, represents the change that is going to come to America. To those who said we could not Pimp the President’s Ride, I say – yes we can.’
Meanwhile Xzibit hinted at another suprize to come for the next edition of ‘Pimp My Presidential Ride’. ‘You should see the new President’s private jet; Air Force One never had snakes and naked ladies painted all over the side before.’
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Alicante to Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
I was traveling in Mexico with my then wife. Like many young hands, we were in a VW van equipped with a potty to provide for our fussy American preference for sanitation and privacy.
My wife and I had been quibbling all day, due to the stifling heat and humidity of the sea level jungle in which we had been camping. We took the road toward Mexico City, hoping that higher elevation would gain us some relief from the tropical heat.
On a switchback road several thousand feet above sea level, my dear wife announced the need to use the convenience, and lurched toward the rear of the van. I suggested that she wait until I could pull over, but she was resolute in her determination to attend to matters promptly.
From the back, I heard her irritable voice say, "Why's this sodding potty rocking?" I pondered, and realized that the potty was under pressure! It had been last used at sea level, and we had gained significant elevation. The bottom of the potty was bowed with pressure, causing the rocking. And, to my good wife's impending grief and mortification, the potty was nearly full.
A beat too late, I called back, "Honey don't flush..."
I was interrupted by a mighty "WHOOSH" and a slurpy noise. Then silence. Then a horrible stench, and the unhappy sounds of my dear bride cursing like a Liverpool longshoreman. In the rear view mirror, I saw that the interior of the van was dripping with brown fluid. Since she had to face the potty to flush it, and since she hadn't put the lid down, my hapless wife had taken the full blast from the pressurized holding tank. She looked like Al Jolson in black face.
Convulsed with laughter which was the proximate cause of our subsequent marital decline, I pulled over. My soon-to-be-ex lady marched down the highway cursing and dripping. When I recovered my composure, I cleaned the van and picked up my luckless hitch-hiking wife. Our conversation was limited over the next few days, and never regained it's former gaiety and charm.
That pressurized potty took us out of the gene pool.
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer! "
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge. "
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors! "
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
"Oh no. I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
LordBlackAdder
01-21-09, 11:09
Disillusion and disappointment was spreading across the United States today when Barrack Obama used his first White House Press Conference to declare that he had spent his first few hours as President trying to change things, but had found that it just wasn’t possible.
‘I gave it my best shot all morning’ said the 44th President of the United States just hours after his inauguration, ‘but people kept pointing out all these obstacles and problems and apparently it’s all very well talking about change, but actually doing it is like, really, really hard.’
The new President had been elected on a wave of enormous optimism and expectation that some political commentators had predicted might be hard to live up to. But even the most hardened cynics had not expected Obama to give up trying to effect meaningful change quite so quickly. ‘There’s like, all these people you have to persuade to do things differently, and then you have to write special laws, and haggle with Congress, blah, blah, blah – it’s really all much too much hassle. I thought we could maybe just call on market forces to rise to the challenge of the new millennium or something.’
The craven surrender already poses problems working for the Campaign to Re-elect Barrack Obama in four years time, although they are thought to be toying with the slogan ‘Change We Can’t Believe In’. There was further concern when President Obama made an alarming, if familiar slip of the tongue declaring ‘They misunderestimated me’.
George Bush was seen with his successor on the golf course later in the afternoon. Obama explained that Dubya had rung him up to see if he was busy. ‘And I thought, hell, why not? I’ve done all I can do here…’
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story???
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it...
The moral is of the story is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE... TIME!!!'
LordBlackAdder
01-22-09, 20:37
Isn't it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich - a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy's children?
If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:
Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV's, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I'm looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW's (sorry) but you won't look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.
You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you're not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don't have a problem with that.
Deal breakers:
likes to shop too much
obsessed with height (i am short)
fat
talks about yourself too much
neediness
always wanting to talk about the relationship
small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)
doesnt like to cook for her man
bossiness
nagging
always wanting to get up early in the morning
fat
intolerance of me and my habits
pressure to have kids
Turn ons:
thin
large breasts (very sexy)
quiet
beer drinker
has her own friends and won't try to make me watch chick flicks
smells good
likes football
doesn't expect me to pay all the time
intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)
rich father
thin
doesn't have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.
Some terms women use in their adverts and what they really mean:
Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic.................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful...............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Ø Feminist................................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit...........................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first...................Former sl*t.
Ø New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing.................................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional............... ..........b*tch
Ø Voluptuous............................Very fat.
Ø Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate....................Stalker
Here is a really scary personal:
I'm looking for a long term(I already have our rings picked out) relationship with the perfect man. You need to be tall, beautiful, well built, oozing with lean rock hard muscles, and have thick dark hair. You need to be smart and college educated(PHD preferred). You of course need to have a great stable job where you make TONS of money for me to spend in any frivolous way I can think of. You need to be AWESOME in the sack with a huge package and have complete ejaculation control, so my intimate needs can be met each and every time you are lucky enough to have me. You also need to be content with no sex for months on end if it makes me happy. You must love kids because I have 7(don't worry the state has them for now). You also must LOVE my cats and instantly memorize the names and ages of all 12 of them. I have a hard time moving around so I bathe with a washrag on a stick and you must be willing to get the parts I cant reach. You must also be willing to fight other fat women off the electric shopping carts in large stores so I can ride them in comfort while shopping. My image of perfection can change at any time, depending on mood, time of the month, etc..You are required to conform to my changing expectations with little or no input from me. But enough about you.
I'm oddly enough shaped like a pumpkin....LOL. I am very obese(I just got sweatin to the oldies so I'm working on it)and as I mentioned I cant move around very well, I do have a few minor medical problems. I have a bedsore on my ass from the computer chair I'm in all day. However I did recently get a blow up donut so that's finally healing up. The area between my belly and my huge pendulous breasts doesn't get much air so I have a few sores under there, I prop the ladies up with dvd boxes to improve air circulation whilst I surf the net so that should be improving soon as well. I just love the way cats freshen up any living space, I like the way they smell and you should too!! I like long walks in the rain, well, you walk and I hoveround. I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chocolate, LOTS of it(ice cream form is acceptable also). I have long dirty blond hair that I comb in such a way that you can hardly notice my dandruff and pattern baldness. I love to snuggle, just not on bath day(bath day is for me to enjoy).I have a massive collection of sexy floral moo moo's so you will never be without a little eye candy *wink*. Many of them just need to be washed and they'll look like brand new. I'm a smokin bBw waiting for you, the capitol B is for a little extra beautiful. I'm real you be too!!!!!!
TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.
The young guy say s, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most of us old timers are helpful like that.
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word..he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as hreatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' . I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I j ust KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed 8 inches and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Something to laugh at …
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff..'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
This is a joke sent to me from a Nigerian friend so please don't hit me with the racist card.
NEWS FLASH: OBAMA TO TAX ASPIRIN!
I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS.
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
Fuck.
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering poundand stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
WorldNetDaily
Obama adviser: White
males need not apply
Robert Reich tells House panel stimulus package should emphasize 'social return' over worker skill
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=86827
POLICE DOGS
FROM THE CHIEF:
THE DETROIT POLICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.
WARNING:
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Rev. Wright will be comin over to kick your honky ass!!!!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout
line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass, and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
Clinton Bush
01-30-09, 01:24
[QUOTE=A John]In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
You can't make this stuff up - truth is stranger than fiction....
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece
Words of wisdom from 7 year olds on Beer!
#1 for me is Jack 7yr old last one lol
A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old
"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Melanie, 7 years old
"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old
"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old
"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old
"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old
"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "
--Shirley, 7 years old
"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... theMagic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what?'
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right...Magic Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history.
Now this is some kewel technology! Good to have. Check it out.
Try out this mobile phone tracker, it's great! Track any connected mobile phone using a satellite map with coverage anywhere in the world!!!!Log on to
www.track-your-partner.com
A meal to die for...literally
You have to watch a short commercial first, but the CBS Sunday Morning video segment is really worth seeing.
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632991n
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on
his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure
enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be
over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's
got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit
bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going
to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this
baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab
his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued
enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so
quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now...
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?" he asks
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
At Any Given Moment:
79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 lonely bugger is reading this joke.
You hang in there sunshine!
AJ
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids
to a great university!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I
LOVE Brad Pitt!! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied.
'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?
'The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars...
but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
LordBlackAdder
02-02-09, 16:33
From Craigslist personals:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
*
- Alex
LordBlackAdder
02-02-09, 16:38
From the news: Over 2 million Obama supporters came to Washington DC to witness the historic inaugaration. 34 of them had to take time off from work to attend the event.
LordBlackAdder
02-02-09, 17:04
President Obama has announced that his administration's most recent accomplishment since taking over George W. Bush's economic disaster has led to an increase in the length of the day.
Many in the media and even some regular citizens have recently been remarking on the unexpected increase in daylight hours. This has resulted in some people who are still employed not even having to switch the light on to when they get dressed for work in the morning. The change has been so noticeable that Obama had to bring forward an announcement on the matter. In a press conference outside the White House this morning, the new President said the changes were a direct result of his new executive orders. Although he failed to divulge the details.
‘Measures I have put in place will secure a reduction in nocturnal darkness,’ said Mr Obama, ‘not only for this country but for many of our friends and allies in Canada, Europe and Japan who grew angry with us during the previous administration. Day by day, week on week, month on month for the foreseeable future. Thanks to my efforts, daylight hours are expected to continue to increase until at least mid June, and there is no reason why they should not then stay at those levels or even increase further.’
Mr. Obama continued: ‘This will mean lower heating bills for hard working families and struggling senior citizens. People will get the long sunny days they deserve. This is positive change that I have brought about and I have not had to raise anyone's taxes or increase government spending to accomplish it. There will be less darkness now that I am president.’
In response to a question about the effect his actions have had on the southern hemisphere, where days have allegedly been getting shorter, Obama said that the consensus was that countries such as Australia, Brazil and his father's homeland of Kenya had been overheated for too long, that this correction was well overdue and it could lessen the effects man made global warming was having on these locations. Furthermore, it would bring welcome relief to the penguins in Antarctica.
Baltimonger
02-02-09, 18:56
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream announces new flavor:
Baracky Road
This new dessert will be half vanilla / half chocolate and be surrounded by fruits and nuts.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to d
addy, s nookums!' You're fit to be framed, you're soooo queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he goes where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. I f you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
OH YEAH... IF THIS EMAIL OFFENDS YOU... YOU'RE A FAG TOO!!!!!!!!
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the
stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the
corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an
empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way
through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says
no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?
The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to
me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob,
"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at
the funeral."
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away.
A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind? " "Yes, I know, " said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat. "
"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're privates are exposed! "
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"
Today the State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
I'm just checking to make sure you guys are alright.
Member #4434
02-04-09, 19:16
Today the State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
I'm just checking to make sure you guys are alright.
I'm LMAO , but I'm ok. Thanks for all the stories, it gives me something to look forward to , when there is nothing else to laugh at.
Guys…..this was funny, but it made A LOT of sense. I am definitely down to get more tattoos. LOL.
"Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment . This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment ?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China . You children are expected to repay the Chinese.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart , all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez , the Arabs and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
This has been around but I still enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GErpOl3KG_w
I've often been asked AJ,
'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering
backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine,
bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!
Every Man's Dream.........
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Everyman__sdream.wmv
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness."
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. "I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by
yourself."
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?” she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
Clinton Bush
02-07-09, 18:45
But then the same old problem (INFLATION) crops up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhawIQczfic
Baltimonger
02-07-09, 22:39
http://www.98online.com/twisted/BASEBALL%20FEVER%201.mp3
http://www.98online.com/twisted/BASEBALL%20FEVER%202.mp3
http://www.98online.com/twisted/BASEBALL%20FEVER%203.mp3
http://www.98online.com/twisted/BASEBALL%20FEVER%204.mp3
http://www.98online.com/twisted/BASEBALL%20FEVER%205.mp3
Lord, what would we do without the camera and the internet.....this is funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A
This New Video is getting great exposure but if you ha ven't seen it yet, click below.
http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about married women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down
to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked
down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment..... "we have lived happily every after
This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.
The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.
Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick. He Told Her He Couldn't.stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.
The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts
Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her
Eyes! After Years Of Torture, She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good..
About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.
He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And
I Didn't Listen To You'.
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.'
But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.'
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, football, baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
To give them a bigger laugh. ,
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here? '' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. '' ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile. ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here.. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here.. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor? !
And me.. I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, 'The Fucking Arab'. ''
HOOVER , TRUMAN AND EISENHOWER
Here is something that should be of great interest for you to
pass around. I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.
Back during The Great Depression, Pr resident Herbert Hoover
ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs
available to American citizens that desperately needed work.
Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to
create jobs for returning veterans.
And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 13
million Mexican nationals! The program was called 'Operation
Wetback' so that American WWII and Korean veterans had a better
chance at jobs. It took 2
years, but they deported them!
Now, if they could deport the illegal's back then, they can sure
do it today! lf you have doubts about the veracity of this
information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search
engine and confirm it for yourself.
Reminder. Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!
WHY ARE WE BANKRUPT?
OH! Now I understand!!!
You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:
Boy, was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the
Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be
RIDICULOUS.
I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they
are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have
included the URL's for verification of all the following facts. (4 of 14
-dead links)
1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year
by state governments.
Verify at:
http://www.fairus.org/site/PageServer?pagename=iic_immigrationissuecenters7fd8
New Orleans Crabs.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand? "
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
"Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to ESPN on Monday that he used steroids from 2001 to 2003, confirming a report over the weekend by Sports Illustrated.
This should teach young players a lesson. Steroids might make you stronger and lead to gigantic contracts, but eventually your poor judgment will catch up to you.
And when that happens, you'll find Madonna attractive. "
http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/cas/1022050369.html
Ray the Hunter
02-11-09, 14:55
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain, it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest.. . Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand, is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In pre-historic times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well, you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under
My bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you"?
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now"!!!"
Screw those shrinks. Go have a drink & talk to your bartender!
A Magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
'Look, it's not the same hat! ' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! ' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades? ' The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days.
Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said.
'OK , I give up. Where's the fucking ship?'
Ray the Hunter
02-11-09, 18:59
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress from the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But, as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No, nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members.
He happened to look into her shopping cart, and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater, and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days earlier, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!"
Mechanic69
02-11-09, 19:37
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
$500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced
the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own
that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city
of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.
20 He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
I Saw This on VeryFunnyAds.com!
http://www.veryfunnyads.com/index.html?id=25905
A South Carolina State
trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles
North of the SC/NC State line. When the trooper asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was
a Magician and Juggler and was on his way
to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine
Circus. He didn't want to be
late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by
juggling and asked if the driver would do a little
juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he
had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him..
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunken good old boy from W.V
got out, watched the performance, then went over
to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got
in. The trooper observed him and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what
he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me
to jail, cause there ain't no way I
can pass that test.'
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place smack his ass again!'
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
KC Questor
02-13-09, 12:38
Not really a joke, but check out this story from the UK. This kid looks like he is eight!
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh....
Either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Hand bag help......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOh2R_bNH2g
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husb and in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husb and 's help. When I got home I couldn't t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter.
I am 32, my husb and is 34, and the neighbor's daughters 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Walter
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man, " he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million. "
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
THE FINAL GEICO COMMERCIAL
Now, where can I find that darn duck?
mmmmmmm AFLAC
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