General Reports

**Sillyolman** · 09-19-11 18:57

I do believe there is a Jokes and Humorous stories thread here on USA. Why not leave this thread for what it is intended and post all your jokes and cleverness over there?

**Alinak** · 09-19-11 18:17

Originally Posted by Mystical0945 [View Original Post]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO

To quote zombieland "thank god for rednecks."

http://images.cheezburger.com/comple...3898059486.jpg

**SpecialOne8** · 09-19-11 18:15

Speaking as a native-born Yankee, I could not agree with you two gents any further! The REAL patriots of our great country have ALWAYS come from the South; ALWAYS!

I salute you guys! (And your fathers, grandfathers and sons.)

SO-8.

Originally Posted by Worldsoffun [View Original Post]

There ya go! I think if Uncle Sam put a bunch of us redneck gator / squirrel hunters in Afganistan, the problem would be solved in a week. Pay us a bounty like the DNR used to on coyotes and we'd be in business. Just outfit my squirrel rifle with a night scope and I'm ready to go. Just drop about 50 of us is the mountains with some cans of spam and beef jerky.

WOF.

**Worldsoffun** · 09-19-11 17:09

Originally Posted by Marc70 [View Original Post]

Ashley,

No offence taken and damn proud to wear the suit and I'm always a Southern Gentleman.

According to Jersey you have pretty much describe me to a tee (but she is a Yankee) and yes if they would turn me loose I would love to Git Er Done.

Marc

There ya go! I think if Uncle Sam put a bunch of us redneck gator / squirrel hunters in Afganistan, the problem would be solved in a week. Pay us a bounty like the DNR used to on coyotes and we'd be in business. Just outfit my squirrel rifle with a night scope and I'm ready to go. Just drop about 50 of us is the mountains with some cans of spam and beef jerky.

WOF.

**Dixie Haynes** · 09-19-11 12:44

Originally Posted by Mystical0945 [View Original Post]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO

Funny as hell!

**Marc70** · 09-19-11 04:44

Originally Posted by Mystical0945 [View Original Post]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO

Ashley,

No offence taken and damn proud to wear the suit and I'm always a Southern Gentleman.

According to Jersey you have pretty much describe me to a tee (but she is a Yankee) and yes if they would turn me loose I would love to Git Er Done.

Marc

**A John** · 09-19-11 04:27

Love it but it belongs in the jokes forum.

http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/sh...morous-Stories

Originally Posted by Mystical0945 [View Original Post]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO

**Mystical0945** · 09-18-11 21:53

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO

**OriginalSin** · 09-18-11 18:30

Originally Posted by Scarvnl [View Original Post]

http://orlando.backpage.com/FemaleEs...you-22/5155408

Any info on this cutie? Haven't seen her anywhere before and don't want to make a "rookie" mistake.

If you right click on the pic and act like you're going to save it, you'll see the file name. In this pic I noticed "leanne" and she calls herself "Bella." You could also google her ph number and see how many posts she put up and compare the cities and the dates posted, some of these scammers are sloppy. Not exactly the best way to verify, but it helps. Good luck! Let me know what you find.

**ParttimeZ** · 09-18-11 12:30

The jokes are refreshing, nice to crack a smile if even for a short time. They are all good and provide a nice interlude but I have to say Mystical0945 takes the gold cup with her comic additions. I agree, keep the lighthearted fare coming ladies.

Cheers

**Vino 7373** · 09-18-11 03:35

This swingers' club was mentioned earlier this week. It just so happens that I got an invitation tonight to go check out the new Tastebuds. It's located on Hwy 192, close to the intersection of Hwy 27. They were offering free admission (my favorite words) all this week to get people to check out their new spot.

I must say I was quite impressed with the bar set up. The club had great flow, was clean, good club music and the lighting was nothing short of spectacular. There were couches all around and a stripper pole that received some action.

I'm disappointed to say that the stripper pole received the only real action I saw during the evening. There were some hot women in there and a few were showing some mild debachery. I certainly saw some very nice untethered tatas in there. It wasn't quite like the anything goes of the old Tastebuds on the Trail and Sand Lake Road. Keep in mind that this is NOT pay for play and is strictly a swinger's club. Therefore, giving out the general location is cool since there's no illegal activity going on at the place.

The crowd was pretty light with only about 40 people in the club. Hopefully, word will spread and the place will see more and better business, I certainly hope so. I was impressed with the bar enough to hope that things work out well.

Something happened later on in my evening that I will report about tomorrow. Right now, it's light's out for me.

**Vino 7373** · 09-17-11 22:13

Little girl calls up a bar: "Is my pappy there?"

Barkeep: "Ain't no one here but one drunken bum."

Little girl: "That's my pappy!"

**Skatar018** · 09-17-11 20:28

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon & why don't I have any milk in my cereal.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, You going to tell him or should I!

**Dixie Haynes** · 09-17-11 17:48

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says,"Hello, master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking,"Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says,"I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife,"Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,"But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says,"Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

**Dixie Haynes** · 09-17-11 17:39

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection will protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. No glove, no love!

22. Prevent parenthood! Cover your manhood!

23. If you find her online, dress him up every time.

24. To prevent a real stanker, be sure to wrap your wanker.

25. Dress to impress! Contain your mess!