How to Enjoy Strip Club on $30
How To: Enjoy a Strip Club on $30
Strip clubs are a lot of fun, but they manhandle your wallet like syphilis treats your genitals: it's a blast while you're inside, but the long-term effects can be devastating. Luckily, we've devised a simple way for you to partake of a strip club without breaking the bank.
(Disclaimer: Our $30 price tag was based on a $20 cover, plus a two drink minimum, assuming that a coke will run you about $2. 50. The price of your strip club adventure may vary slightly, depending on cover and drink prices, so look at it this way: after the cover and mandatory drinks, you'll only spend five dollars.)
Step 1: BYOB
Booze at strip clubs is super expensive. Luckily, mankind was able to foresee this obstacle centuries ago, and thus they invented the flask, allowing you to magically transform your $2. 50 Coke into a $15 Jack and Coke with a single, albeit discreet motion. When it comes to bringing your own booze into a strip club, there's one important rule to remember: waitresses do not like knowing that you brought your own booze, and strippers love knowing that. This is because strippers have to pay for their drinks, which is why they're always trying to get you to buy them one. By providing her with a free drink, you're eliminating her obligation to ***** a drink out of some sleezy schmuck, so you're making her life easier, and if there's one thing every stripper needs, it's an easier life. Be discreet, though, because if the waitress finds out about your flask, your ass will be skipping across the curb faster than a chubby schoolgirl chasing an ice cream truck.
Step 2: String the Lap Dancer Along
Lap Dances are the key to going broke at a strip club. A strippers job is to elicit as many blue-balls as possible, and she's good at it. Plus, lap dances are expensive. But until you explicitely agree to a lap dance, you're not obligated to pay for anything. The stripper, who craves cash to pay for coke almost as much as the coke itself, is going to work hard toward getting you to pay for a lap dance, and she'll pull out almost all the stops to get you there. She'll flirt, rub up against you, maybe even show off the goods a little, and most likely sit in your lap. Let her do it. When she asks if you'd like a lap dance, don't say no right away. Act like you're wishy-washy about it, and string her along a little bit. After all, that's what she does to dudes all night, so you might as well turn the tables on her a little bit. Just remember that once she's giving you a lap dance, you're obligated to pay for it, so don't let it get that far and you'll be just fine, blue balls aside.
Step 3: Bring Menthol Cigarettes
Regardless of whether or not you smoke, your good time will be greatly augmented if you carry around a pack of menthol cigarettes, because they're like stripper catnip. For some reason, strippers f*cking love menthols. Next to crack or meth, menthol cigarettes are about the worst thing you can possibly smoke. They're nothing but fiberglass and mint-causing chemicals, but strippers smoke them because deep down they're a little masochistic, and they probably enjoy manifesting their emotional pain with actual, physical damage to their health. Menthol cigarettes also compliment a good Ecstasy roll, which is a favorite of many strippers, and they make your breath smell good, which is super important when you're trying to give people boners in exchange for money. Not all strippers want to shell out the $6 for a pack of their own, but if you have menthol smokes they can bum, they'll hang around you for the rest of the night.
Step 4: Spend Your Five Dollars Strategically
In order to ensure that you have a pleasurable strip club experience, you'll have to make sure that you spend your extra $5 wisely. Luckily, there's a procedure for it. Pick a spot in the middle of the club and scope out the scene. Take a look around to see who's working. Remember: after the $20 cover and the mandatory $5 worth of drinks, you only have $5 to spend, and you'll have to stretch that out as long as you can. Sit and enjoy your drink for a song or two, and decide which dancers you'll be devoting your money to. When one of your target strippers has finally been summoned to the stage by the coked out DJ, let her go for a while, and wait until she's removed her top. Then, make your way to the stage to tip her. Place the dollar in your mouth, and get a face full of tits. Spend only one dollar, and promptly make your way back to your seat. They don't like it when you stand up by the stage without tipping. Repeat this step four more times over the course of the evening, and leave happily at the end of the night, having received five faces full of glittery, sweaty stripper tits.
Step 5: Don't Fall In Love With A Stripper
If there's one thing we've learned from movies, it's that falling in love with a stripper never works out well. If you fall in love with a prostitute, you can buy her fancy clothes and invite her to elegant outings with your affluent friends, and she'll turn her life around. When you fall in love with a stripper, it always turns out that everyone's vampires, or they all have some crazy disease, or you end up dying in a wrestling match that you were too old to participate in to begin with. And that's only if the stripper likes you back. Most likely, you're going to end up being the dude that she and her stripper friends refer to as "that creepy guy", who hangs out in the parking lot and asks everyone where she lives all the time. That means you're a pathetic sleezeball, and that's exactly where falling in love with a stripper leads. Do yourself a favor and don't do it.
re: How to Enjoy Strip Club on $30
Thanks for sharing.
I think I saw this snippet in a laddie mag somewhere before. Someone should edit the article and tailor it for the Block, where the rules are different. My contribution for step 1 is as follows:
Nix the BYOB. Not worth the trouble. There is no discreet way to share that contraband with your new dancer friend. The more likely scenario is that the first dancer you don't tip will rat you out. And the cops won't care if you get smashed in the face like Berlusconi. Instead, drink in your car beforehand, and sober up at 7-11 afterwards.
Going for the strip club gold, back to the Black Book
This past Saturday night I attempted what might be the "triple lutz" of strip club mongering and ended up going back to the black book for a regular.
Had Saturday night on my own so started planning on Friday. My bud wanted to get some ladies at his place for some fun so we started to plan and make calls. I decided to go for the shift change girls and take out at the block on Sat. night and we had some backups from the book ready just in case. Part of the challenge was that I wasn't paying a bar leave fee and I wasn't buying more than 1 drink for the girl. Throwing money around makes it easy, and I don't have the money anyway.
Headed to the block around 6PM Sat. night and made the rounds to see what was there. Circus - fair, Harem - fair, JB - nah, Pcat - yeah, had a drink and no shift change winners, Flamingo - fair, plaza - no, Red Room - yeah, had a drink and met a few girls that were not working the late shift and would consider take out. Now here's the rub, they all put out the hustle that if you buy them a drink, they'll go with you, if you don't then they don't know you're for real. Many girls haven't decided if they're staying or not. Some know they're leaving and they've "got a riide". And then others will play you cause they know they can. I worked it for a while with each girl, tried to read the signals and knew that the clock was ticking. They were either leaving or about to commit to the bar tender that they were staying. Some girls, 2, were ready to go but I was going for the lookers. If I didn't care about looks I'd call outcall.
In the end, got a number that worked, she told me to wait outside and she would come up and go with me. After waiting about 10 minutes got a call from a regular who was ready to go. Continued to monitor the take out situation with messaging and she ultimately stayed to work the late shift. She got me for one drink.
My regular was great, but I lost out on the strip club monger challenge.
Anyone else up for it?
