View Full Version : 2000-2004 Jokes & Humorous Stories
The Japanese Hooker
MeatMan finally went out of the country on a trip and was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which Meat took to be pleasurable. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
Benchseats Rock
09-09-04, 00:46
Heh... love the Japanese language joke.
As if there's a wrong hole?
Stay Safe
BR
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pant
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
raybones99
09-09-04, 04:10
CHINESE SICK LEAVE. I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
raybones99
09-09-04, 04:10
Training position for upper management
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A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, he turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
THE MEANING OF LIFE:
LIFE is all about ASS!
You're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it.
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
:D
RN:),
You kind of asked for it and here it is:
"2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you."
You must be the nicest person ever:D!
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of... mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.
A woman who is about to get married to her fourth husband goes to talk to her priest before the wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my new husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have already been a married woman for many years. You've had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look.
But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
Meatman I am dying here to funny !
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:
"HOOKER: person who has sex for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads:
"KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."
raybones99
09-12-04, 18:45
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
A woman is in the supermarket shopping when she is spotted by her priest.
"I didn't know you and your husband had a dog" he said eying the dog food in her cart.
"We don't" she said. "It's for my husband -- he just loves it".
"Oh no" he says. "Don't feed him the dog food as it will surely kill him".
"No it won't" she says. "He's been eating it for years and is healthy as can be".
"Well, I've warned you" he said. "It will kill him, its's only a matter of time".
Several weeks later the priest sees the woman mourning over the death of her husband.
"See, I told you the dog food would kill him. Why didn't you listen to me"?
"It's not the dog food that killed him father. He was lying in the street licking his balls when a truck ran over him".
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATASHEET For WOMEN
ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions.
Physical Properties
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.
Chemical Properties
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Tests
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural
state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not
come into direct contact with each other.
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table, the ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
That's when Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe zee English pronounce for zat word, is 'appiness!'"
A few Knock,Knock jokes.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
FBI!
…
…
Hello? FBI! Let us in!
…
…nobody here…
Oh. Let’s go boys!
(Phew!)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar **** of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s. Let the ***** sleep it off.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I’m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.
Cheapskate
09-18-04, 00:47
Schwarzenegger outlaws sex with corpses
Fri 10 September, 2004 23:26
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Having sex with corpses is now officially illegal in California after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill barring necrophilia, a spokeswoman says.
The new legislation marks the culmination of a two-year drive to outlaw necrophilia in the state and will help prosecutors who have been stymied by the lack of an official ban on the practice, according to experts.
"Nobody knows the full extent of the problem. ... But a handful of instances over the past decade is frequent enough to have a bill concerning it," said Tyler Ochoa, a professor at Santa Clara University School of Law who has studied California cases involving allegations of necrophilia.
"Prosecutors didn't have anything to charge these people with other than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the first place, prosecutors couldn't even charge them with that," Ochoa said on Friday.
The state's first attempt to outlaw necrophilia, in response to a case of a man charged with having sex with the corpse of a 4-year-old girl in Southern California, stalled last year in a legislative committee.
Lawmakers revived the bill this year after an unsuccessful prosecution of a man found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of an elderly woman's corpse.
The new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison.
Cheapskate
09-18-04, 01:26
Three Asian men were sitting together bragging about how they
had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from China, and bragged that
he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple
days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Japan. He bragged that
he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on
the table.
The third man had married a Filipina lady. He boasted that he
told her that her duties, among other things, were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see well enough out of his left eye
to do the dishes and the laundry; and he thought by next week he'd be
able to drive, do the food shopping and dinner again and they live
happily ever after.
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is
her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled an air raid siren.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Corporate Lesson #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,"Who was that?" It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a pretty nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg and further up a great crotch.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a
moment.
You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Training Courses that Women need to take :
Women need to be trained in some basic etiquettes to make 'mankind' more peaceful.
Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
Driving a car safely: A skill you can acquire.
Bathroom etiquette: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
Introduction to parking : Advanced parking: Backing into a space
Communication skills I: Tears - The last resort, not the first.
Communication skills II: Gettings what you want without nagging.
Household dust: a harmless natural occurrence only women notice
Cooking I: How not to inflict your diets on other people.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are not for human consumption.
Dancing: Why men don't like to
Parties: Going without new outfits
Classic clothing: Wearing outfits you already have
Telephone skills: How to hang up
Compliments: Accepting them gracefully
BodyRockerForU
09-22-04, 07:40
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two tennage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Ken Kelova
09-22-04, 09:58
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hespotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Ken Kelova
09-22-04, 09:58
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:
If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"
I guess we missed our chance to screw an attorney:
From the Oakland Tribune
September 19, 2004
OAKLAND - Federal prosecutors argue the government should keep $61,000 in cash seized from an Oakland woman who allegedly worked as a high-priced call girl to repay student loans from her time at Stanford Law School.
Court documents detail how agents sifted through trash, conducted surveillance, interviewed clients and a colleague, pored over tax returns and surfed the Internet to build a case for keeping money seized from Cristina Schultz, 31, who used the name "Brazil" and charged $1,300 for two hours of her services.
Schultz's Web site remained active this week. The Web site, depicting her in various lingerie-clad poses, describes her as a "Portuguese-speaking entertainer and physical model."
"The quintessential Gemini, I am an unusual mix of well-educated good-girl and erotic-Bachian-sensualist, with some down-to-earth sweetness thrown in," it says. "I am sure you will never forget any time you spend with me and I look forward to meeting you soon." Her home page's fine print says "Escort services advertised on this Web site are for companionship and dating only."
But clients posting reviews of Brazil's services at another Web site gave her rave - and sometimes, explicit - reviews as recently as February 2004, a month after Internal Revenue Service agents seized evidence and $61,171 from Schultz's Oakland apartment, storage locker and safe deposit box.
The government's forfeiture complaint filed in July says Schultz operated an interstate prostitution business at least since August 2001 - three months after earning her degree at Stanford Law School - by charging up to $1,300 for two hours, $5,000 for overnight and $15,000 for three days to serve clients in the Bay Area, Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., New York City, Chicago and Seattle.
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN THAILAND TOO LONG WHEN:
1. You look four ways before crossing a one way street.
2. You've bought a house for a Thai bargirl, or at least a motorcycle.
3. You begin to enjoy Thai TV programs.
4. You think it's normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m.
5. You realize ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATMs.
6. You know all the bars and people mentioned in Trink's page.
7. A Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet.
8. You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car.
9. All your T-shirts are emblazoned with the name of a bar.
10. You can't remember the last time you wore a tie. You think a safari jacket and jeans are formal attire.
11. Your Thai girlfriend has more gold than you.
12. Someone asks you what Thailand is famous for and you reply, "Hookers, spicy food and corruption."
13. Someone tell you that watching Thai politics is like watching two chameleons making love and you understand the analogy.
14. The most important event of your day is the announcement of the exchange rate.
15. You aren't upset when the Isaan bargirl next to you eats beetles as a snack.
16. Later the same night, you actually kiss the Isaan bargirl who earlier dined on beetles as a snack.
17. You haven't had a solid stool in five years.
18. Your most prized possessions are your passport and credit cards.
19. You wake up in the morning and realize that you have nowhere to go and all day to get there.
20. You think white wine goes well with Som Tam.
21. You understand when your Thai wife says, "My friend you," or "Same same but different."
22. You need money quickly, so you realize that there certainly is no point in going to a Thai bank.
23. A Thai bargirl you've just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away.
24. A newly arrived tourist asks how long it takes for a Thai girl to reach orgasm and you respond, "Who cares?"
25. You don't mind when a Thai cuts in front of you in line. Instead, you just stand on his foot and pretend ignorance.
26. You aren't surprised when your Thai girl friend covers her mouth when picking her teeth then openly picks her nose.
27. You realize that your Thai wife's loyalties belong to:
a) Her parents;
b) Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her;
c) Any remaining blood relatives;
d) The family buffalo;
e) The family's goldfish;
f) You. (This pecking order is inviolate.)
28. The Thai Navy buys a new submarine and you're not surprised when the first thing they do is remove the muffles and hang a garland from the rear view mirror.
29. Your Thai girlfriend gets angry when you tell her, "No honey, no money, no funny."
30. You consider your mobile phone a fashion accessory.
31. You no longer enjoy Songkran in Pattaya. Instead, you stay home with a stack of videotapes.
32. It's two days before payday, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside.
33. You realize that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter
'S'. Sanuk (Fun), Saduak (convenient), Sabai (Comfortable), Suay (Pretty).
34. You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay.
35. You think a calendar more useful than a watch.
36. You realize that the only way to become a millionaire in Thailand is to start out a billionaire.
37. You're discussing Thai girls with a farang buddy and you say, "Yeah , I've got her exactly where she wants me."
38. You go to a Thai Boxing match and a soccer game breaks out.
39. You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus.
SCORING:
0-5: You're fresh off the boat, but there may be hope for you yet. Concentrate on living like a Thai, keeping in mind that it is not a race but a culture.
6-15: You've been here a while, but still a bit green. You probably have too many farang friends. Hang in there; perversion is its own reward.
Over 15: An old Thai hand. If you live to be 100, you still won't be able to understand these people. How long since you've visited your poor old mom or had a meal in which you could identify the ingredients? Seriously though, don't tell your friends back home how good it is here, lest we get deluged with a bunch of yahoos in the 0-5 range.
A study...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be.
During the first week of marriage, two deaf people find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. Honey, she signs, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right breast once.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my penis once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis, fifty times.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
Marketing Explained
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
-> That's Direct Marketing
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner.
She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
-> That's Advertising
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number.
You call and chat her up a while and then say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
-> That's Tele-Marketing
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-> That's Customer Relationship Management
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.
You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy.
You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial.
You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished.
You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-> That's Hard Selling
You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room.
SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?“
-> Now THAT is the power of Branding.
A classic! ....
Subject: Q & A session!
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing ... your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.
If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home.
The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your Clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must play with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Two aliens land in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approach one of the gas pumps, and one of them says to it:
"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, being, as it is, a gas pump, doesn't respond. The alien repeats the greeting. There is no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceives to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, draws his ray gun, and says impatiently: "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien shouts to his comrade: "No, you mustn't anger him ...!", but before he can finish his warning, the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion that blows both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they land in a heap. When they finally regain consciousness the one who fired turns to the other one and says: "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answers: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't fuck with him."
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows Version:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
11) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
12) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
13) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
14) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
15) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
16) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
17) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
18) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
19) User Error: Replace user.
20) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
21) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
22) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
23) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%
quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more then women?
Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going
to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course, at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
One golfer tells another, "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf
clubs for my wife". The other replies, "Great trade".
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it in.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant
I married Mrs. Right. I just didn't know that her first name was
Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Most accidents happen at home, and the men have to eat them.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy, and some mornings I just let her
sleep.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the
same.
Professor : Although in modern English the double negative us usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, just as the double affirmative is always an intensified affirmative. Indeed, there is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative.
Student : Yeah, right.
A guy goes in a bar and orders a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into going to bed with him and with a smile he turns to her,
"Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink ?"
The woman turns to him and screams at the top of her voice,
"What ?, You want to fuck me ? No way!"
Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman walks away from the bar. The guy gets really embarrassed, but he still sits on his stool as if nothing has happened.
After a while the same woman walks up to him again and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident, but you see I'm a psychology graduate student, and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations."
The guy the yells, "What ? Two-hundred bucks for a blow job ? No Way!"
A ninety-year-old man goes to a doctor, sobbing. The doctor asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty five year old woman."
"What's wrong with that ?" asks the doctor.
Between his sobs and sniffles, the man answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home, and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then, at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The doctor puts his arms around the old man. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying ?"
The old man bawls through his tears, "I forgot where I live!"
The Seven Dwarfs go to a convent and asks to speak to the mother superior. They are led into her office and Doc immediately asks, "Is there a two foot tall nun in this convent ?"
"No, my son," replies the mother superior.
Then Sleepy asks, "Is there a two foot nun in this country ?"
"I'm afraid not," comes the reply.
Sneezy then asks, "Is there a two foot nun in the whole world ?"
"No," says the mother superior.
Six of the dwarfs then start chanting : "Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."
A husband is calling his home from work when a strange woman answers the phone. He asks, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone, whom I just naturally figured was her husband."
He'd always suspected, but now it was confirmed.
"Listen," he said to the maid, "would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den. Then, I want you to shoot that lying, cheating wife of mine AND the son-of-a-***** she's with."
"$50,000? Really?"
"I'm as serious as a friggin' heart attack!"
The maid set the phone down. The husband hears footsteps, followed by gunshots.
After a moment, the maid returns to the phone and asks,
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them both into the pool."
"What pool?"
"Is this 432-4821?"
Jesus is Watching
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was
empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!
Little Red Riding Hood's Happy Ending
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said: "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, way out on the range, telling the tall tales of bravado that are part of cowboy lore.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored ten men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second couldn't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and came at me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
An elderly lady in her eighties who was always kind and considerate to everyone everyday in her life was visited by a fairy god mother who because the elderly ladies kindness granted her three wishes. 'well my first wish is easy I have been poor all of my life and just once I would like to be rich,so my first wish is I would like a million dollars ' the old lady replied.
With a clap of thunder one million dollars was right in front of her.
'my second wish... well I am so old,so my second wish is to be 21 again' With a clap of thunder she was 21 again.
With her freshly renewed sex drive she then replies 'now my third wish is even easier,do you see that tomcat over there well I want you to turn him into a lean mean hunk of a man styled on a greek adonis'
With a clap of thunder the cat was now the best model of a man ever.
The hunk of a man walked over to the now beautiful woman and quietly whispered in her ear 'now aren’t you sorry you took me to the vets when I was a kitten'.
A man phoned 999 and shouted 'help help my wife is in labor (spelling) her contractions are 10 seconds apart '
The operator replied 'calm down calm down !! is this her first child?'
'NO this is her husband you idiot'.
A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He sits down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laugh at him....so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, the octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and puts them down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the man says,"can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it?" I'm going to pork it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....".
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between a clitoris and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, it's a lot of money.
After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, 165,000,000,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, -
"Mam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets?What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you 2,425,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha, ha," laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure", said the president, I'll bet 2,425,000 that my balls are not square.
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: 2,425,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
Well, Okay, said the president, 2,425,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him 24,100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" The bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me!
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
One day Little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "We have a $100,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. Sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
About two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all of his worldly possessions in a suitcase. The father asked why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too -- and DAMN if I'm going to get stuck with a $100,000 mortgage!"
Max Sida,
Is this ALL you have:D?
This guy goes to the doctor complaining that his penis is too small.
Doctor examines his dick and says it is indeed small.
The guy says Doctor please help me because I get embarrassed when I am with the girls.
Doctor says the best thing for you get a bigger penis is sucking as many times as possible.
A year passes by and the guy goes to the Doctor for a check up.
Doctor askes him hows your penis now. The guy replies that now his penis is much bigger and thanks the Doctor for his advice.
Doctor asks him is there any other problem. He answers yes I cannot seem to straighten my back .
Freeler,
no have much more,
but all collected in outlook-emails, so have all the colum brakes,
> > from the forwarding,...
Takes a hell of time to clean it up before posting.
CU
Max
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute..
He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, and had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it..
She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. He had heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and that was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to pay for it.
The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the baby-sitter, and give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he will make love to her, and he will catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, and they will make love, and mom will catch it.
In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he will make love to mom, and he will catch it, and he is the son-of-a-***** that ran over my FROG.
Superman was feeling bored after a long bout of crime-fighting and wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go out to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said that Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers, but Spiderman said, he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster then a speeding bullet!
I can be in there, have sex and come out again before she even knew what happened!" So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew away happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman asked: "Did you hear anything?"
And Invisibleman replied: "No, but my ass hurts like hell!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
(don't forget the blowjob and cook him a nice meal - see earlier post)
Why do women love German footballers?
Because they're on top for90 minutes and still come second.
The joke was passed on a few times and eventually made it to Germany.
This was the reply of one of the Germans:
Why are Englishmen such lousy lovers?
They'll wait 90 minutes, then put it in twice in the last minute and think they're the worlds best lovers!
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!
Max Sida
Thanks big time, i am still laughts my ass off. It took alot of time to post and i apperciated it.
Thanks, Acatman
Daddy Lows
09-29-04, 03:40
Max,
Me, too. I must've cracked a rib reading all those jokes. Some of which I've read a long time ago but thanks for the refresher course!
Peace
There was this new bar in town that everyone was talking about because it had a robot-bartender. A man walks in to see this for himself. He sits at the bar and sure enough, a robot was bartending. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150 So the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere. The man is amazed. He has to see how good this robot really is.
He leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the man replies "100." So the robot discusses football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.
The man leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50. The robot replies: "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Kerry?"
Max,
If the > in the forwarded mails are a problem, simply search for > and substitute by nothing, click replace all.
Head First
09-29-04, 16:07
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if
she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW
850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
Max,
Great jokes! I'll be telling them at work tommorrow.
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:17
One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.
He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male
nor female."
After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad
and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:17
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:18
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "weaner." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:18
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:19
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics and she finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."
The blonde says, "HELLooooooo... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!
raybones99
09-30-04, 17:19
Yesterday, University scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned
look at their beer consumption. The theory is that
beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men
turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer
each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that
100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.
This just in...
The best reasons to have a beer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk
to spend time with his fools.
-- ! Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.
-- Paul Hornung
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not.
-- H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we
fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to
be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel
was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000
B.C.!
-- W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support
group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the
"Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way,! the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."
PsyberZombie
10-01-04, 19:44
Wanna know what the Worst Thing about having Sex with a Chinese Woman is ??
Two Hours later , you're Horny again !!
PsyberZombie
10-01-04, 19:56
Oprah Winfrey goes to the Doctor with a sore throat
He tells her to take off all clothes ; then lie on her back ; then hold her legs up in the air and spread then as wide as she can
She asks =
" Will this help my sore throat ?? "
He says =
" Well , No .... but I just painted my house black... and I wanted to see how it would look with Pink Shutters !! "
Jack Spratt III
10-02-04, 21:55
A female brain cell accidentally ended up in a man's body. She struggled to reach the cranium and looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're all down here."
raybones99
10-04-04, 16:52
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a **** - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT ***** - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
--------------
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants....It is MALE CLEAVAGE
raybones99
10-04-04, 16:53
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to! feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
raybones99
10-04-04, 16:53
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with 3 shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are. The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." He slams down his tequila and glares at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, "Hey, Badd, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse growls, "Home, to fuck the cat."
Q's What si the difference between Herpes and AIDS
A's One is a love story, the other's a fairy tale
http://mediapickle.com/new/toon.php?id=99 A link to the "Do You Think There Will Be Hummers In Heaven?" song. This takes a little time to load on a dial-up, but it's pretty funny.
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker." The boss says, "What's that?" Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me." They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit." Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp!
Hooker Handjob
Harry and his wife are having rough financial times,
so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until
things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what
to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar
and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred
bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around
the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed
he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks
for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back
to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
He tells her that she can give him a handjob. She runs
back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty
bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car
with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally
large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says,
"I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner
and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy
seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"
Got A Light
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl
sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks
him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him
if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back
to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night
hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls
out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his
lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she
has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the
top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a
box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture
of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the
side of her face and replies, "That's me before the
operation."
Only users lose drugs.
Or something:D
http://jibjab.com/
2 funny clips. Enjoy....And VOTE!!!!!!!!!
Schmoozing
10-11-04, 07:38
Guy is driving across a bridge and sees a woman about to jump off the side. He stops and asks her what she's doing.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
The guy thinks for a minute, then says "Well, as long as you're going to kill yourself, how about coming over here and giving me a blow job first?"
The girl decides "what the heck," so she gives the guy a blow job until he shoots his wad. Then she goes back to the edge of the bridge.
The guy asks, "By the way, why are you going to commit suicide?"
"Because my family disowned me," she replied.
"Why did they do that?"
"Because I dress like a girl!"
Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his arm. He reaches up to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the madame. She looks down at Johnny and says to him, "Well, well, what can we do for you little boy?"
"Yeah, I wanna fuck a ***** with aids."
The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Open yer fuckin' ears, *****! I wanna girl with aids!"
She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize
that this kind of thing costs money, you know."
She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars
on the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.
"That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the *****
with aids or what?"
"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get
her. By the way, what's in the shoebox?"
Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks
puzzled. Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the ***** with aids, then I get aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he gets aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the mailman and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband! The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
Did you hear about the chap who died in a German FKK? He came and went at the same time.
Heard on J. Leno recently.
Police were called to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills to capture a deer. They knew the deer wasn't from the area because it had a REAL RACK.
jibjab dot com is highly recommended for great laughs.
You might get a laugh out of some of these
Colonoscopies A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of them all..
12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has
the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah? And I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
A Chinese restaurant owner gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she hides naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My dalling" he says, "I know dis yo filst time and you velly, velly
flighten.
I plomise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything, just anything
you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently - and eagerly - for
her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure:
"I want... numba 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him:
"You want... Beef wif Bloccoli?"
raybones99
10-27-04, 15:58
John Kerry meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles."Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.
"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
raybones99
10-27-04, 16:00
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
raybones99
10-27-04, 16:01
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
raybones99
10-27-04, 16:03
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
raybones99
10-27-04, 16:04
Letter from the Penis
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take the initiative -- you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management'
raybones99
10-27-04, 16:06
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the Hell out."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like 26 year olds?
A; Because there are twenty of them.
Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: Because you get 8 more.
OK and some non-numerical ones:
Q: What is the difference between a Cadillac and six dead w h o r e s?
A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Q: What is the difference between a priest and a pedophile?
A; ?
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:00
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:01
A man escapes from prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
.....To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong honey. I love you too."
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:02
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:03
dang im old
30 Years difference
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:03
You gotta love Robin Williams... Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan .... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin William's plan... (Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.
1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere" again.
2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:04
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. "Oh!" Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
...You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:05
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house?
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:05
Special machine
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of a gony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dinger...now with a button sewed on the end of it.
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:06
A man is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
____________________________________________________
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
____________________________________________________
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
____________________________________________________
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
____________________________________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
____________________________________________________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
____________________________________________________
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
____________________________________________________
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!!"
raybones99
11-10-04, 18:07
John Kerry meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles."Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.
"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Gee, election's over and we're still getting this? Guess it's time to post some Bush jokes to balance things out.
But I was really posting simply to note that the so-called "Robin Williams Plan" is not actually by him, though it is his joke at the end. Williams is as liberal as they come, and was one of those who did a benefit for the ACLU to help replace money they lost from the feds by refusing to screen their employees against the federal terrorist watch list.
Apologies for the off-topic comment, but as someone who's spent a lot of time tracking down the correct versions and attributions of various quotations, I just hate to see net myths go up as fact.
Nice stuff overall, Raybones99, and thanks! No such thing as too many chuckles.
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
The Little Rascals were all in class. The teacher asked someone to use dictate in a sentence. Buckwheat frantically raised his hand and the teacher called on him. He said "Darla say muh dictate good!"
One day as a young boy MeatMan was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker. (now we know why he has a fetish for alleys)
"Hello little boy." said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him.
'What's up with the pinky?' thought Meat. After school Meat went back through the alley and the hooker was back again.
"Hello little boy," she said and waved at him with her pinky finger.
'Again with the pinky, what's up with that?' wondered Meat, 'If she's here again tomorrow I'll ask.' Sure enough the next morning the same thing happened.
"Hello little boy," she said to the boy while waving her pinky finger at him.
"Why are you waving your pinky at me?" asked little MeatMan.
"Because this is how big your penis is," she replied. Meat walked away embarrassed and determined to get her back.
After school he again went down the alley and again the hooker greeted him.
"Hello little boy," she said as she waved her pinky finger at him.
Little MeatMan then put his fingers in his mouth, spread his lips as wide as they could stretch, and answered,
"Hi, lady."
And that my friends is where it all started. :D
LMAO! And it hasn't stopped since!
GettingTang
11-26-04, 23:17
Well endowed
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse
standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the
jar and make the horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and
told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh
hysterically. The man took the money and left.
The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and
the horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man
to make the horse cry. the man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to
the horse, and the horse began to cry. The man took the money and as
he was about to leave when the bartender asked him...
"How did you do that?" the man replied, "On the first day, I told the
horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed
him."
A wise man once said there are five kinds of sex you get when you're married.
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!
raybones99
11-29-04, 13:44
A woman was walking down the street when she was approched by a man.
The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500.00 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " when he drops the $500.00 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened. An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
" What happened?" the girl friend asked.
The lady said "That M. F. had $500.00 in quarters!"
raybones99
11-29-04, 13:47
A man ,walking to the store, passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. He thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the store, thinking...poor old ladies, probably lost their minds in their old age, or just probably sunning. On his return trip, he passed the same Nursing Home, saw the 6 old ladies still laying naked on the lawn. This time his curiosity got the best of him. He went inside to report it to the manager, in case he didn't know that some of the residents were out there. "Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your lawn? Oh, Yes," said the Retirement Home manager. "They're retired prostitutes - just having a yard sale."
raybones99
11-29-04, 13:51
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explains she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he says, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license,
they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of other bad things will
happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture for some time and replies, "Well now,
you didn't tell me that you had a prescription."
raybones99
11-29-04, 13:54
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past,
looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint - come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds
the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and
says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Shit, dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Raybones99
Thank you for the funniest joke I've heard in quite awhile!
500 military women have received breast implants paid by Uncle Sam in
3 sizes.
1. at ease
2. attention
3. locked and loaded
This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness:
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes.
The priest in a small Italian village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing. At that time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, so he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" --
all the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has
anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."…..half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" -- all the nuns stood up. The priest fainted....!
PsyberZombie
12-08-04, 20:05
This really horny guy goes in·to a Brothel , but he's only got twenty bucks
The Madam tells him that for that sum , he can have the Oldest Hooker in the joint , down in the base·ment
Down there , 70 yr old 'Nellie' spreads her legs , but she's got the hairiest , smelliest Snatch you can imagine , so the guy declines
She rolls over , but also has a filthy 'star·fish'
Then , she offers the guy Oral , but her mouth is filled with dis·gusting , decayed teeth
The guy is about to give up and leave when she says =
" Wait !! Try THIS !! "
She pops a glass eye out of her socket , and tells the guy to stick it in there
He's so Horny , he does ... and is *Amazed* to discover that it's the Hottest Sex he's ever had !! His Orgasm is Mind·Blowing !!!
As he's getting dressed , he asks Nellie if he can see her again some·time
" Sure " , she says .... " I'll keep an eye out for you !! "
Tallywacker
12-09-04, 00:13
The organist at the local church died so the preacher asked the congregation if any one could play the organ. There was no response. After the service Brother Leroy told the preacher that he couldn’t play the organ but could play the piccolo.
The next Sunday the preacher introduced Leroy and said that they would now sing hymn 87. Leroy leaned over and told the preacher that he couldn’t play hymn 87. The preacher told the congregation that the piccolo player didn’t know hymn 87 so they would sing number 28. Leroy again leaned over and told the preacher he didn’t know hymn 28. Again, the preacher told the congregation that Leroy didn’t know hymn 28.
He then said that that they would sing hymn 104. Again Leroy told the preacher that he couldn’t play number 104.
At this time some one in the congregation said “The piccolo player is a mutha fucker.”
The preacher was irate that someone in the church would just such language so he said “Will the person what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker please stand up.” No one stood.
The preacher then said “Will the person sittin’ next to the person what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker please stand up.” Again, no one stood.
The preacher was getting a little exasperated by this time so he said “Will the person who is sittin’ next to the person who is sitting next to the person what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker please stand up.” No one stood.
Finally a hand goes up in the middle of the congregation. The preacher says “Yes, Brother Rastus.”
Brother Rastus says “Preacher, I weren’t the one what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker. And, I ain’t the one who was sittin’ next to the one what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker. And lastly, I ain’t the one who was sittin’ next to the one who was sittin’ next to the one what called the piccolo player a mutha fucker.”
“That’s good, Brother Rastus” said the preacher “but what is your point.”
Brother Rastus said “Preacher, I jes wants to know who said that mutha fucker was a piccolo player.”
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=817&ncid=757&e=10&u=/ap/20041209/ap_on_fe_st/pig_barn_brothel
http://www.manassasjm.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=MJM/MGArticle/WPN_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1031779591225&path=&tacodalogin=no
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/08/sports/baseball/08chass.html?ex=1103173200&en=514064e94eb02d78&ei=5006&partner=ALTAVISTA1
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/krnewyork/20041209/lo_krnewyork/hergirlsmadehowmuchdoingwhat
PsyberZombie
12-10-04, 07:22
This guy picks up a hot chick in a bar and takes her to bed , but he's so drunk that he can't get it up
She's really horny , though ; and kinky , too = she asks him to put his big toe 'in there' ; and then she rides it till she cums
They part ways , but a few days later , the guy's toe starts getting red and swollen , with pus oozing out from under the nail
So he goes to the doctor , who examines him and then says =
" I don't know how to tell you this , son , but you've got gonorrhea of the toe !! "
The guy goes =
" Wow , Doc !! That must be pretty rare , huh ?? "
The doctor says =
" Yes , it is rare ; but not nearly as rare as the young lady I had in here this morning who had Athlete's Twat "
Baltimonger
12-10-04, 08:53
A deaf-mute man walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by the pharmacist. "May I help you?" asks the pharmacist. To which the man pointed to the condoms behind the counter. The pharmacist doesn't understand what he is pointing at. After a couple of minutes of trying to get the pharmacist to understand, the deaf-mute pulls out his penis and a $10 bill. He frantically points at his penis and the money. The pharmacist says "oh, I get it", and pulls out his penis. He shouts "ha, mine's bigger!", and takes the money.
Three guys are walking down the street. Two of them walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.
raybones99
12-11-04, 21:43
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the
bartender and asks for a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.
The bartender replied "Yes".
So the man glances over at the menu and asks,"Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, "but that costs real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents" he replied.
"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says,"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
raybones99
12-11-04, 21:45
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"? A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals". The teacher asked "really and what four animals would that be"? The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
raybones99
12-11-04, 22:01
Just copy and paste:
http://www.menshealth.com/eyechart/index.html
raybones99
12-11-04, 22:08
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." Mike says, "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars which is a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computerlights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samplesfrom his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
Tallywacker
12-13-04, 01:57
This young sailor goes on liberty in Hong Kong and has the time of his life. A couple of days later he notices that this crank is starting to turn red, green, black and purple so he heads over to sick bay. There the doctor examines him ad says that he has the black clap and they have to amputate.
The sailor says no way. He figures that since he caught it from a Chinese girl that maybe it would be best to see a Chinese doctor for the cure. He grabs a cab and asks the driver to take him to the best doctor in Hong Kong.
When he gets there the doctor examines him and says “Amelican doctor say need operlation.”
The sail replied, “Yes.”
The doctor says “Amerlican doctor all wrong. No need operlation.” The sailor breathes a big sigh of relief.
Then the doctor says “Three more days rittle dickie fall off all by his self.”
Tallywacker
12-13-04, 02:14
Jackson is suffering from terrible migraine headaches for a couple of years. He finally decides to see a doctor about them. The doctor examines him and says that his balls are too big and are hanging wrong which is the cause of his headaches. The doctor says that the only cure is to cut them off. Ole Jackson says “No way.”
A couple of months go by and the headaches keep getting worse so Jackson finally agrees to the operation.
After a couple of days he is released from the hospital and on his way home decides to stop at Izzy Schwartz’s haberdashery and get a complete new outfit.
He goes in and tells Izzy that he wants everything from hat to shoes. Izzy looks at him for a couple of minutes and starts writing down his measurements.
Hat – size 6 7/8.
Shirt – 15 neck, 32 sleeve
Suit jacket – 42 regular
Suit pants – 36 waist, 32 inseam
Shoes – size 10
Socks – size 10
Undershirt – large
Under shorts – size 36.
Jackson says “That’s amazing, you just looked at me and got almost all my measurements correct.”
Izzy says “I’ve been a tailor for 34 years and I got ALL your measurement correct.”
Jackson replied “No, you missed one. I wear size 34 shorts.”
Izzy tells Jackson “No, you wear 36 shorts. If you wear size 34 they will squeeze your balls and give you migraine headaches.”
Merlin Magician
12-13-04, 10:30
HO fuggin HO fuggin HO
raybones99
12-13-04, 13:58
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's "Thursday.'"
I heard this on the radio by some American comedian this morning and thought it was pretty funny.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making a cat dance on two feet. You know they don't like it much but you just can't resist doing it anyway!
CT Prowler
12-17-04, 15:49
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and fther."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh My God, what have I just said?"
PsyberZombie
12-19-04, 10:23
Have you heard about this new Morning After Pill for Men ??
It changes your Blood Type !!
Do you know why Santa is so jolly?
Because he knows where the bad girls live!
Sorry somehow didn't get it uploaded first time. Hope it goes this time.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
Check this out. Foamy breaks me up, maybe you too!
http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html
Warpig2000
12-23-04, 02:34
http://ebassist.com/temp/A_Hookers_12_Days_of_Christmas.mp3
The Band is The Wankers
(Totally Amatuer, deranged Hobbyists together for the first time)
Produced by Digg Bixx and Crotchie Stickler
Stiff Assman-Bass, vocals
Digg Bixx-Guitar, vocals
Billy Clubb-Guitar,vocals
Crotchie Stickler-Drums,vocals
Merry Christmas!
Warpig2000
12-23-04, 02:36
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was fucking, not even my spouse.
The condoms were placed on the bedstand with care,
in hopes that her young stud, soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
unaware their mother'd soon be giving some head.
And mama in her teddy, and i in the nude,
were sitting on the couch, applying her lube.
When out in the drive there arose such a clatter,
we sprang from the couch to see what's the matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutter and threw up the sash!
The nipples on the breast of my horny hotwife,
were harder than'd i'd seen my whole damn life.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a monster sized cock, giving me reason to fear.
With a body like that, this guy's no dud,
i knew in a moment it must be her stud!
More rapid than eagles she rushed to his arms,
as he began to enjoy all of her womanly charms.
"Oh fuck me, so deeply, you young hard stud,
my pussy's hot for you, my young fuck bud!
He couldn't help it, he'd grown some wood,
To fuck her, and fuck her, and fuck her so good!
Her once dry lips were soon swollen and wet,
when they meet with an obstacle, and mount on the bed.
So up to the hilt, they'd started to screw,
his balls full of cum, her pussy with dew.
And then in a twinkling, I heard her gasp,
damn you young stud, I want it up my ass!
As he drew out of her **** and turned her around,
Down her sweet ass, his hard cock came with a bound!
She was trembling all over,from her head to her toe,
As he pumped hard into her, her juices starting to flow!
A bundle of cum was churning in his sack,
She looked like a porn star, him clutching her rack.
Her eyes how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
I knew it wouldn't be long, and he'd have her cherry!
She wanted him back in her now swollen pussy,
They were going bareback, I now could see!
The length of his cock she held tight in her ****,
knowing soon she'd be filled with all his hot spunk.
She had a broad chest and a little spare belly,
That shook when he pumped her like a bowl full of jelly.
His cock was chubby and plump -- and in good health,
And I cringed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled my wife's **** as my cock I jerked.
He pulled his hard cock from her wet fur,
And giving me a nod --- it was now my turn!
She sprang back to life and started to scream,
My God she feels good, is this some kinda dream?
And I heard her exclaim ere he drove out of site,
"Honey, I love you so much, now lets fuck all night!"
Migrant One
12-23-04, 09:30
warpig2000
LOL but geez man your typing fingers must be falling off!
Santa comes down the chimney one Christmas Eve and there's a knockout blond laying on the couch waiting for him.
Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the kids ya know!
She removes her top and bra.
Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the kids ya know!
She removes her pajama bottoms and panties and laid there buck naked.
Blond: Hey Santa, come here!
Santa: Hey hey hey, gotta stay, can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!
:D
raybones99
12-31-04, 19:35
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...."I would have gotten out today!"
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