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Next let's do songs about masturbation:
Fingers by Pink
U and Ur Hand by Pink
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls
She Bob by Cindy Lauper
Touch of My Hand by Britney Spears
Pictures of Lily by The Who
Spanked by Van Halen (phone sex is masturbation, right?)
My Ding-a-Ling by Chuck Berry
I always heard that "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors was about masturbation (referring to squinty eyes during orgasm), but this was denied by lead singer Dave Fenton.
More intersections of two of my favorite interests, sex & music:
"She's A Beauty" by the Tubes is about those places where women get totally nude in a glass booth. But they came up with a cleaner interpretation for the video (instead it showed a carnival ride that turns children into senior citizens, guess it's still about loss of innocence). But Madonna did do a video (I think for "Open Up Your Heart") where she played a glass booth dancer.
"My Baby's Gun" by Femme Fatale (obscure heavy metal chick brags about the size of her lover's penis, getting it in the back door, etc.)
According to Suzanne Vega, her song "I'll never be your Maggie Mae" was not inspired by the Beatles song (actually a folk song the Beatles didn't write). She says it's an answer song to Rod Stewart's "Maggie Mae" in which she refuses to be the older woman who helps a younger man lose his virginity.
Ian Whitcomb did a full-length version of "Maggie Mae" (unlike the Beatles short take). The 19th century lyrics portray a prostitute who also steal's her customers' clothes and sells them at "Kelly's Pawnshop #9", but the singer still misses her! Ian throws in a spoken joke about Maggie's mother giving her a birthday gift of "100 yards, from the church to the station." Ian also says the lyrics for "You Turn Me On" were inspired by the American phrase "turn on" which fascinated him that sex could be turned on & off like a light switch! When he visited America the first time he was necking with a girl on a couch and she said "Ian you're turning me on". And Ian covered a great old ragtime song "Where Did Robinson Crusoe Go With Friday On Saturday Night" where the two characters cruise their island for "wild women".
The Yardbirds' "Goodnight Sweet Josephine" seems to be about a prostitiute/thief, but the police love her so much they'll "take no action"!
Nancy Sinatra's "Goodtime Girl" is about a chick who isn't a hooker, just sexually available, no strings attached, "pick up the phone and I'll come running...you don't have to say you love me..I'll turn your night time into day". Wish I knew someone like that! Nancy says that when you listen to her song "Love Eyes" you should substitute the word "Levi's" in the lyrics because it's actually about getting into a guy's pants ("my world lies right behind your Levi's"). Incidentally, on Sinatra websites "Frank Sinatra" is abbreviated as "FS"!
Chemical People did soundtrack music for a porno film. They also had porno chick Taija Rae pose for one of their album covers (one of the songs on the album is about having sex with chicks at nudist camps).
Bongwater (featuring actress Ann Magnuson) did a great CD in 1990 called "Power Of Pussy". It's '60s-styled psychedelic music but with contemporary, sexually explicit lyrics. Ann even sings about having sex with the "fat guy from Canned Heat"!
The Bangles were originally called The Bangs. Lead singer Susannah Hoffs liked that sexually suggestive name but was disappointed when they lost it to another group in a lawsuit. And where are those other Bangs today?
I've always thought a great name for an alternative band would be "Hookers Eat Pizza"!
The coroner was showing around new employee at the morgue. He noticed that there were three bodies on the tables and that not only were they all young beautiful women, they all had great big smiles on their faces. He asked the coroner why they all had that expression.
The coroner pointed to the brunette and said "Well, this young lady won the lottery the other day. She was so happy she went out to celebrate at a local bar. She drank too much and got alcohol poisoning and died."
"That makes sense. Tragic, but she died happy."
Then the coroner pointed to the redhead. "She recently met a young man and began a passionate romance with him. After a marathon weekend of lovemaking, she suffered a brain aneurysm during an orgasm."
"What a way to go! What about the third one? She looks all burned. How do you die with a smile on your face if you are in a fire?"
"Oh the blonde? She got hit by lightning and thought the flash was someone taking her picture."
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into
the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks
the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's h ead. The wife shouts,
'Don 't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America ..
When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet. After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they got together. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replied..... "Fuck you, towel-head."
Think your cell phone conversations are private? I've got news for you...
This is worth watching
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCyKcoDaofg[/url]
The lady asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to poop all over yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both cheeks of your butt will fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, have to go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things" clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new chuckle an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofa*****! ", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. "
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose And, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU! ", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
You will soooooooo not believe this shit..........
Only in Japan ?
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=japanse_massage.wmv[/url]
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points. '
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that? ' The old man replied, 'It's fart football. '
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score. '
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7. '
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score. '
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14. ' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that? '
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this? "
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married. "
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? "
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out. "
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight? "
He looked her up and down and said;
"Mission Accomplished."
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee? " He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, " he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite. "
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich? " He declines. "The Viagra, " he says, "really trashes my desire for food. "
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry? " He declines again. "No, " he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry. "
"Well, " she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
[QUOTE=Hell On Wls]A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee? " He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, " he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite. "
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich? " He declines. "The Viagra, " he says, "really trashes my desire for food. "
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry? " He declines again. "No, " he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry. "
"Well, " she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."[/QUOTE]
Think the wife reported that 'erection lasting longer than four hours' to HIS doctor? :D
[QUOTE=A John]You will soooooooo not believe this shit..........
Only in Japan ?
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=japanse_massage.wmv[/url][/QUOTE]
No, other parts of the world too. There was a video posted on the Usenet a couple of weeks ago. The title started out "GGG" which usually means a John Thompson bukake movie.
Do a bin search (or Google) for "GGG - Sperma Cubana". My Google came up with about 10,000 hits, and a couple of descriptions, none of which matched the file I downloaded.
My bin search found two files, different sizes, different days, same name. Anyway the one I downloaded, and didn't keep, made that clip look tame.
Edit 25 Apr 8:11 EDT
Well I downloaded both files and they are the same. It may say 'Cubana', but not all the 'ladies' (sick) are Cuban and it is not a John Thompson film. Seems like someone trying to use his trademark (GGG) to get downloads for a compilation of animal films. :( Definitely not my cup of tea.
Now can we go back to JOKES AND HUMOROUS STORIES???? Please.
[QUOTE=Northsideman]I've always thought a great name for an alternative band would be "Hookers Eat Pizza"![/QUOTE]
In Minneapolis there is a local bar band named "Hookers and Blow".