Jokes & Humorous Stories

In Norfolk, a 4 unit apartment was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

6, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. They were not killed by the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into Norfolk, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the blacks, Muslims and hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived..?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why, yes, I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger."

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. '

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. '

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. '

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly happy. '

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

How To Save Gasoline !

The Canadian Solution to save Gasoline Harper wants
us to cut the amount of gasoline we use......

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 3
million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our gas. The price
of gas would come down......

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the
borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border,
hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him
to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to Canada then he must serve a
tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on
it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended
this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying
to make a better life for themselves.. ......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,
without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved....

On Frank Sinatra websites his name is abbreviated as "FS". I mentioned the OTHER definition of "FS" (full service) in a Sinatra chat room and got a big laugh. Supposed Mr. FS enjoyed the other kind of FS. According to a former butler Frank used to fly hookers down from Vegas to his Palm Springs home and pay them well. But the butler said it was always one at a time, Frank found orgies too messy for his tastes.

Here are some I've heard. The songs listed with a * are definitely, no dispute, about hooking. The other ones are open to interpretation.

*Janis Ian (famous lesbian folksinger) "Pro Girl" (from her first album which also had the controversial interracial song "Society's Child" and other songs which were considered shocking in 1967)

*Bobbi Gentry (of "Ode To Billie Joe" fame) "The Girl From Cincinnati", and of course "Fancy" (a huge hit when covered by Reba McIntire in the '80s, but Bobbi wrote & recorded first in 1969 and the album artwork shows her looking like a hooker! Bobbi was a Vegas showgirl before she made it in music.)

*Jeannie C. Riley (of "Harper Valley P.T.A." fame) "Back Side Of Dallas" ("...where every cabdriver knows her name"!)

*Georgie Fame "Bullets LaVerne" (from his "Bonnie & Clyde" album)

*Ian Whitcomb "This Sporting Life" (Brothels used to be called "sporting houses" about a hundred years ago. From his "You Turn Me On" album, the panting title cut of which made him popular with gays)

Beatles "Day Tripper" (maybe that's what it's about? a "day trip" is also a one day vacaction in British lingo)

Rolling Stones "Honky Tonk Women" (I think the woman in question blew something OTHER THAN Mick Jagger's "nose"!)

also while there are no "tart" songs on the album, the cover of The Kinks' "Low Budget" is a closeup of what are supposed to be a hooker's feet.

If you know of any others please post them. Thanks!

[QUOTE=Northsideman]Here are some I've heard. The songs listed with a * are definitely, no dispute, about hooking. The other ones are open to interpretation.

*Janis Ian (famous lesbian folksinger) "Pro Girl" (from her first album which also had the controversial interracial song "Society's Child" and other songs which were considered shocking in 1967)

*Bobbi Gentry (of "Ode To Billie Joe" fame) "The Girl From Cincinnati", and of course "Fancy" (a huge hit when covered by Reba McIntire in the '80s, but Bobbi wrote & recorded first in 1969 and the album artwork shows her looking like a hooker! Bobbi was a Vegas showgirl before she made it in music.)

*Jeannie C. Riley (of "Harper Valley P.T.A." fame) "Back Side Of Dallas" ("...where every cabdriver knows her name"!)

*Georgie Fame "Bullets LaVerne" (from his "Bonnie & Clyde" album)

*Ian Whitcomb "This Sporting Life" (Brothels used to be called "sporting houses" about a hundred years ago. From his "You Turn Me On" album, the panting title cut of which made him popular with gays)

Beatles "Day Tripper" (maybe that's what it's about? a "day trip" is also a one day vacaction in British lingo)

Rolling Stones "Honky Tonk Women" (I think the woman in question blew something OTHER THAN Mick Jagger's "nose"!)

also while there are no "tart" songs on the album, the cover of The Kinks' "Low Budget" is a closeup of what are supposed to be a hooker's feet.

If you know of any others please post them. Thanks![/QUOTE]

Nanci Griffith has a couple of songs like that.
*"Lookin' For The Time (Workin' Girl)" - "Well I work this corner from 11 to 5 and my feet get cold about midnight."

*"Workin' In Corners" - "I've been workin' in corners all alone at night."

*"Tecumseh Valley" - This is a song written by the late Townes Van Zandt and covered by several artists. This cover from Nanci's "Other Voices, Other Rooms". "Well she took to whoring, out on the street, with all the lust inside her."

*Emmylou Harris on her "Western Wall" (with Linda Rondstadt) covers a David Olney song called "1917" - "The strange young man who comes to me. A soldier on a three day spree. He needs one night's cheap ecstasy..."

Don't even have to guess or read between the lines. The first two Nanci songs were from early in her career (early to mid 80's) and as she wrote them herself it makes one wonder if she might not have been somewhat autobiographical. If not that then what she witnessed as she played the bars getting started.

As for the 'Day Tripper', I picked up a lady in London many years ago. I was near Euston Station and she was meandering the side streets next to there. I was her last trick for the night. She had to catch her train going back home to Birmingham, or some other midlands city. Said she came down to London every so often to earn a few extra 'quid'.

One of the more interesting pieces of trivia from the American Civil War (now that is an 'oxymoron' name a war that was ever civil), is the emergence of the word Hooker to mean prostitute.

Seems the Union Army had one Maj. General Joesph Hooker. He commanded the Army of the Potomac in early 1863 when Lee beat the pants off him at Chancellorsville.

Anyway, back to the subject. Gen. Hooker enjoyed the company of the numerous 'camp followers' and those ladies who came (sic) to enjoy his company became known as "hooker's".

Seva Lurker, you were so lucky picking up a British chick!

I went to college in England in 1980 (I'm originally from southern Illinois in the USA). Attended a summer school in the Midlands (Grantham, Lincolnshire), then spent my last 2 weeks in London. Wanted desperately to lose my virginity with a British girl (love the accent!). Heard about a pub in Grantham called the Black Dog where supposedly you could score easily but I never went there. My 20th birthday was the same Saturday we arrived in London. My African roommate and I cruised the crowded vicinity of Piccadilly Circus that night but the only people enjoying the nightlife were Arabs, mostly men. So I never scored in the UK!

A man on the street handed us a flyer for a disco. Then we walked down the street and another man saw the flyer and said "you don't want to go there, that place is dirty". He handed us the flyer for HIS disco but we didn't go there either!

Later that night as we walked back through the deserted streets of London to our hotel, I complained to my roommate about the lack of British girls in London that night. The only other person on the sidewalk was a drunken British man (about the only Brit we saw the whole night!) who was walking a few feet in front of us. After I finished my tirade about the absence of English chicks in London, this intoxicated bloke got disgusted, turned around, snapped his fingers and said "Unbelievable! I heard every word you said"!

Another time my roommate and I heard about a "hot disco" in Hampstead. So we took a train up there and went into a police station to ask directions. An annoyed policeman said "there's no disco here" (it was also summer so there were no college kids in town). So we went back to London.

My African roommate also reccomended I buy a specific brand of blue jeans which would help me score a British chick. I got the jeans ("F.U.S." brand, if I recall correctly) but they didn't work!


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet, wild ly bea utiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

Happy Woman



A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old..

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied....

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker]Gen. Hooker enjoyed the company of the numerous 'camp followers' and those ladies who came (sic) to enjoy his company became known as "hooker's".[/QUOTE]Cute story but pretty thoroughly debunked. The word "hooker" was used to denote prostitutes long before the Civil War. However people definitely joked about Hooker's army being appropriately named.

As far back at 1600 the word Hooker was used in England to denote a female pickpocket.- they used small hooks to unlatch windows and were small enough to slip between bars or small entrances. It came to generally mean any woman who did petty crimes, and then eventually only to that most common of crime, prostitution.

In the US it was first recorded in a court proceeding as early as 1835, in reference to the whorehouses around Corlear's Hook, New York.

[QUOTE=Northsideman]If you know of any others please post them. Thanks![/QUOTE]

Here are a few more songs about prostitutes. This is certainly just an abridged list, I know lots more. And I've left off the hundreds and hundreds of rap songs that references "ho's"...



[b]53rd & 3rd by The Ramones[/b] - The title refers to a corner in New York City that was known for male prostitution in the '70s (the area has cleaned up considerably since then). Dee Dee Ramone, who wrote the song, implied that he sometimes worked the corner to pay for his heroin habit, which killed him in 2002.

[b]A Woman's Story by Cher[/b] (produced by Phil Spector) - This song is a haunting reflection of a prostitute's life.

[b]Bad Girls by Donna Summer[/b] - The "Bad Girls" are prostitutes. Summer got the idea when she sent her secretary on an errand and she got propositioned by some guys.

[b]Call Me by Blondie[/b] - Song was written for Stevie Nicks, but she turned it down supposedly because the lyrics were about a prostitute. it was used in the male prostitution movie [i]American Gigolo[/i].

[b]Charlotte the Harlot saga by Iron Maiden[/b] (4 songs: "Charlotte the Harlot," "22 Acacia Avenue," "Hooks In You," and "From Here To Eternity.") - Charlotte is a Charlotte is an upper-class hooker who is very ignorant. For instance, she tries to have genuine relationships with clients, and doesn't realize that prostitution is illegal.

[b]Cross-Eyed Mary by Jethro Tull[/b] - This was written by Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson, who has described the character Mary a "child prostitute." Cross-eyed Mary is a young prostitute who has sex with dirty old men (the line "gets no kicks from little boys...would rather make it with a letching grey" attests to the fact that she has to take her money from wherever it comes--most often older men who pay for her services. The jack-knife barber is either an abortionist or Mary's pimp. The line "she'll do it for a song" makes is sound like Mary keeps her price low, thus helping the "poor man get along." Covered by Iron Maiden

[b]Family Man by Hall & Oates[/b] - "She made it totally clear that she was his for a price" and "Dropped her price and pride she made it totally clear that she was his for a night"

[b]Hot Child In The City by Nick Gilder[/b] - This song is about child prostitution. After leaving the group Sweeney Todd, Gilder had moved from Vancouver to Los Angeles and was amazed at how many young girls he saw working as prostitutes on Hollywood Boulevard.

[b]Killer Queen by Queen[/b] - Freddie Mercury said "It's about a high class call girl. I'm trying to say that classy people can be ****** as well. That's what the song is about, though I'd prefer people to put their interpretation upon it - to read into it what they like."

[b]Lady Marmalade by Labelle[/b] (and others) - written about New Orleans prostitutes. Used in the film [i]Moulin Rouge[/i].

[b]Private Dancer by Tina Turner[/b] - Many people claim it is about a stripper. Even Tina Turner said "I wasn't sure whether the girl was a hooker or a very classical private dancer but I thought I'd take it."

[b]Maggie Mae by The Beatles[/b] (and many others) - "Maggie" is British slang for prostitute. Suzanne Vega wrote a retort, "I'll never be your Maggie Mae."

[b]Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses[/b] - This song is about a junkie prostitute who was once the love interest of Axl Rose. He was going to start a band with her called Rocket Queen, but she was too strung out. If you listen closely towards the end, you can her frontman Axl Rose having sex in the studio with a girl in the studio. Axl wrote: "For that song there was also something I tried to work out with various people - a recorded sex act. It was somewhat spontaneous but premeditated; something I wanted to put on the record. It was a sexual song and it was a wild night in the studio. This girl we know was dancing; everyone was getting real excited. The night could have gotten really explosive, lots of trouble for everyone, and I thought wait a minute, how can we make this productive."

[b]Roxanne by The Police[/b] - This is about a man who falls in love with a prostitute. Sting got the idea for this after walking through the red-light district of Paris. He imagined what it would be like to fall in love with one of the prostitutes. "You don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over. You don't have to sell your body to the night"

[b]Smooth Operator by Sade[/b] - The lyrics "Across the north and south, to Key Largo, love for sale" and "His heart is cold" suggest the song is about a pimp or a gigolo.

[b]Sweet Georgia Brown by (many covers)[/b] - the "Harlem Globetrotters Song" has many different lyrics depending on who has covered it. However the earliest versions all suggest the song was initially about a black prostitute.

[b]Sweet Painted Lady by Elton John[/b] - This is about sailors back from the sea and the "sweet painted ladies" waiting for them at harbor brothels.

[b]The Fire Down Below by Bob Seger[/b] - Not about hell (or STDs) as some have claimed, the fire refers to the desire men have for prostitutes. Ann Landers criticized this song for glorifying prostitution.

[b]The House Of The Rising Sun by The Animals[/b] - Originally a prostitute, the main character was changed to a gambler for the US release of the song

[b]Three Wooden Crosses by Randy Travis[/b] - This narrative number about the redemption of a prostitute was the 2003 Country Music Association Song of the Year.

[b]Walk On The Wild Side by Lou Reed[/b] - This song is about transvestites who come to New York City and become prostitutes. "Take a walk on the wild side" is what they say to potential customers. Each verse introduces a new character.