WHY NOT TO GET MARRIED...............
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WHY NOT TO GET MARRIED...............
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An old one but still funny..............
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken uder each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Th farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. "
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed. "
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed. "
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing, " the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that. "
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed. "
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice.
"Shit, I missed."
--- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question. Which I have not been able to answer. Is, "What does a woman want? "
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. '
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. '
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't. '
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. '
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel! '
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive. '
Anonymous
I hope this works beause it is funny. If not copy and paste? HH
Best_DUI_Ever.wmv
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid ! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Shame of porn star caught watching Parliament Channel
Adult movie star Lustie Blowes is facing questions over her future as the industry’s leading hardcore actress after ‘mistakenly’ claiming the cost of her husband’s Sky TV subscription to the BBC Parliament channel on her pornography expenses.
The embarrassing mistake came to light after her husband, Nigel Blowes, admitted to watching three hours of political material, including Prime Minister’s Question Time, Andrew Neil’s Straight Talk and a special report on the Parliamentary Standards Commission. Porn producers say the matter has undermined the credibility of Mrs Blowes, who is said to be ‘mortified’ by the error.
‘Nigel is deeply ashamed that he watched this material and the sordid, grubby business of politics was allowed into our home. It was a momentary lapse in his judgement and he assures me that he usually only ever watches hardcore pornography like any normal married man.’
But the expenses claim was also said to include two viewings of the film ‘An Inconvenient Truth’, a single payment for a studio discussion entitled ‘Whither the Euro?’ and a History Channel special on the precarious Lib-Lab pact of the mid-1970s.
Under industry guidelines, adult-film actors can claim for extra allowances provided that they can prove they are ‘wholly, exclusively and necessarily required’ to perform their duties. Common expenses include the cost of lubrication, spare batteries and gym membership. Mrs Blowes said in a statement; ‘I’m sorry that in claiming for my porn expenses I mistakenly claimed for this shameful TV channel alongside it. As soon as the matter was brought to my attention, I went straight round to the offices of the Pornographic Standards Authority and rectified the situation. After fellating the guy who turned up to fix the photocopier, obviously.’
Details are beginning to emerge of the moment when the assembled G20 leaders chose the final figure of the cash that will be injected into the global economies. ‘It was just a comedy ad-lib from Barack Obama’ said the French President Nicolas Sarkozy. ‘We were wondering how the hell we were going to come up with the exact figure and the room went quiet as people were thinking. Then Barack just came out with ‘One trillion dollars!’ in the Dr Evil voice from Austin Powers. He even put his little finger to the side of his mouth. We all just burst into hysterics but then thought, ‘Hell, why not?’.’
Having concluded several hours of difficult business in a couple of minutes, things got even more childish, as the German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggested, ‘that guy from Different Strokes could be your Mini Me’ and Gordon Brown was ordering for ‘sharks with fricken laser beams on their fricken heads’.
The laughing could be heard from the outer chambers and was initially mistaken for some sort of terrorist attack, as it took time for the security officers to work out what was happening. There were world leaders with water streaming out of their eyes and quite a few rolling on their backs clutching their sides and screaming ‘Fembots!’. ‘We thought we were dealing with a poison gas attack, but then it became a little clearer,’ said one Security Officer who did not give his name. ‘We aren’t used to handling incidents like this; the last time it happened was when Bill Clinton handed out his cigars in the Oval office’.
Microsoft launches new version of ‘Not Responding’ 2009
Microsoft has updated its popular Not Responding 2007 with a new multi media version, that automatically reduces the amount of work done on a computer by wiping the last hour’s worth.
‘Not Responding 2009 is a whole new paradigm shift,’ said Ned Holliday, Microsoft’s UK avatar MD. ‘It’s no longer enough to let people down with a simple system crash. Gone are the days of raging at a one dimensional system failure.’ Holliday explained that mmodern professionals are demanding to be let down in a range of communications media, whether it’s voice over wifi, Skype, web conferencing or just using Microsoft’s plain old instant mortification.
The system is designed to be compatible with Microsoft’s package for small and medium sized businesses, Professional Prevaricator 2008, the automated buck-passing system that allows middle management employees to appear to consider a decision without putting their heads above the parapet. Some critics were worried that Prevaricator’s CC mail platform, that automatically dampens down any dangerous enthusiasm by getting as many people involved as possible, might not work well alongside a system that is designed for instant disappointment.
‘Executives in corporations across the globe are being asked to prove their worth to the company, or walk,’ said a Microsoft spokesman, ‘the risk of exposure is critical. So they’ve never needed a system failure more than now’ he said in a press statement written by hand, after his Word Document had mysteriously wiped itself.
If you have a deserving boss, neighbor, whatever, here's what to do. If you find out they have a hot date, are going to a nude beach, or best yet they have a doctor's appointment then do the following. Ply them with drink. Not good whiskey. Make up a jug or two of that highly artificial fruit punch from mix. The stuff that comes out bright red, even neon red. I swigged down a huge batch of this and found out that the head of my cock turned this hideous mottled red. Scare off their sure thing. Make them the butt of jokes at the nude beach. Or have the doctor shudder at the malignancy and perform an emergency penectomy before the growth spreads. Me, I didn't need to cut my dick off. When I stopped drinking the stuff my dick returned to its normal beautiful state. Sorry I can't supply before and after photographs but my digital camera is acting up.
Double Nickle
Inject it into marshmallows. Eat them and the red dye comes out when you urinate red. It will scare the hell out of who ever male or female. lol
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Hard for the Big 3 to top this...............
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