Fish and Woman.........
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Fish and Woman.........
Perfect bar stool...............
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
Go Tigers........
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=gotigers.wmv[/url]
TEST YOUR MOUSE:
When the test opens (when photos turn natural color), just point your Mouse at the picture .....
This is a great public service!
[url]http://www.randyhanshaw.com/Humor/HTML/Flashers.htm[/url]
President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president aAsked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy?
'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens. That would be a tragedy?
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.
'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?
'Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss. And it probably wouldn't be a fricking accident either.
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." - Woody Allen
THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS OF NEW OBAMA RULES
There are MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, effective now, April 3, just in time for spring.
This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.
Here are a couple of basic changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played
The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.
The term "gimme" putt will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up
These "entitlements" are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six
pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.
Several years ago, Texas Tech had an economics professor that said he had never failed a single student before but, had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second Test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed to their great surprise and the professor told them that socialism would ultimately fail because the harder to succeed the greater the reward but when a government takes all the reward away; no one will try or succeed.
It's too bad that today there are no more professors that truly understand that premise.
This photo captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife. Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party ... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This is a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed Bearack Obearma.
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
What do you think L.B.A. Sound like a plan?
The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?
The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig! ' she cried, 'How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away! '
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, let me at least explain why it's happened. ' 'Fine, go ahead, ' she screamed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me! '
And so the husband began. 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down & out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed & very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night; the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but won't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair. '
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
[QUOTE=Gdlint]A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
What do you think L.B.A. Sound like a plan?[/QUOTE]
The big problem with that plan is that they will just import some new Democrats from Mexico.
As some of you may have heard supreme court in Iowa has now made it legal for gays to get married. Reporting on this news, the headline in the Omaha Sunday Newspaper was "The Gay Mecca Across the River"
[QUOTE=LordBlackAdder]As some of you may have heard supreme court in Iowa has now made it legal for gays to get married.[/QUOTE]
Asked for comment, both gay couples in Iowa said "Hooray!"