Jokes & Humorous Stories

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. '

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. ' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ' The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned " before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.

'Your badge. Show him your badge! '

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me? "Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.

Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons? '"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended? " Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time? "

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge. " "I recall that, " said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time. "

"Alright, " Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes? "

[QUOTE=A John]My favorite is the old man who almost gets took out at the knees. His facial expression never changes.



[url]http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lmpifyylaf[/url][/QUOTE]

Thanks for your posts A J. I enjoy them.

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears Strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, Sweating and panting. 'What's up? ' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack, ' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got No clothes on! '

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet Door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering On the closet floor. 'You rotten 'B*tch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids! '

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 diet cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 2:00 AM I HOP excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a guy walks by wearing cologne you gag because it reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

We Americans really have to our priorities straight!

I find it very interesting that we invest all this money, time and energy to stop to consenting adults from having sex for money. Yet we allow something like this to go on in our country.

How is it possible that are Constitution would protect a cult like this from forming?

This truly is pissing in our faces and trying to make us believe it's raining.

WTF



[url]http://shock.military.com/Shock/videos.do?displayContent=185279[/url]

MY LADY DOCTOR

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

She started with certain basics.



'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'135,' I say.

She puts me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 170.



Then she asks, 'Your height?'

'5' 6" inches', I say.

She checks and sees that I only measure 5' 2".



Then she takes my blood pressure.

She tells me it is very high.



'Of course it's high!' I scream.

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'



She put me on Prozac. What a *****.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait below. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life. Read below and digest carefully.

"I have outlived my pecker".

Picnic................

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Picnic.wmv[/url]

[QUOTE=A John]"I have outlived my pecker".[/QUOTE]

I prefer the words of Steven Tyler, who described his motivation for being a rock star as

"The three Ms: Music, Money, and MMMMMM... pussy!"

The old ball and chain. To funny


[url]http://www.nypost.com/seven/03242009/news/regionalnews/police__connecticut_woman_handcuffed_sel_161127.htm[/url]

[QUOTE=A John]We Americans really have to our priorities straight!

I find it very interesting that we invest all this money, time and energy to stop to consenting adults from having sex for money. Yet we allow something like this to go on in our country.

How is it possible that are Constitution would protect a cult like this from forming?

This truly is pissing in our faces and trying to make us believe it's raining.

WTF



[url]http://shock.military.com/Shock/videos.do?displayContent=185279[/url][/QUOTE]


The video is BS, IMHO. Much, if not all of, the scenery, vehicles and license plates were not filmed in this country. The Constitution does not protect these kinds of groups. They would be a "Clear and present danger" as first ruled by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr, and an enemy of the State.

"Christian Action Network"? Now there's impartiality. "Over 50 attacks on U.S. soil? What attacks, and where? Don't you think you would've heard about these attacks SOMEWHERE?

I wonder how many abortion clinics the Christian Action Network has bombed?

[QUOTE=A John]The old ball and chain. To funny


[url]http://www.nypost.com/seven/03242009/news/regionalnews/police__connecticut_woman_handcuffed_sel_161127.htm[/url][/QUOTE]

In Spanish the word for female spouse (aka "wife") is [i]esposa[/i]. This word also means "[url=http://www.spanishdict.com/translate/esposa]handcuff[/url]"

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors' kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire. '

The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that? '

The boy says, 'Catch some chickens. '

The old man yells, 'You dang fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire! '

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy yells back, 'Roll of duck tape. '

The old man says, 'What you gonna do with that? '

The boy says back, 'Catch me some ducks. '

The old man yells back, 'You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape! '

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? '

The boy says, 'It's a pussy willow. '

The old man says, 'Hold on, I'll get my hat. '

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