Jokes & Humorous Stories

With the economy going downhill, or at least they keep saying it is, many of you may be forced to or decide to save some money by joing the DIY crowd and not hire the profesionals. Of course by doing so you make things worse for said profesionals, but I digress. For those new to DIY, here are some definitions of some of the tools you may need to use. If all else fails remember there is a proper tool for every job and that tool is a hammer, whihc I'll use as the first tool in the list.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: A specialised type of pliers generally put into use after regular pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

NOTE THAT APPLIES TO ALL CUTTING TOOLS. Not mentioned in the instructions but you really do need to know. If you cut something and it is too short, and then you cut it again it will still be too short.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: A generic term applied to the nearest tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. When something goes wrong. Random chance also operates in its favour to be the next tool that you will need.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting
on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by
gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no
black men depicted at all.. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa:

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abdullah says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

''There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used in conjunction with these agencies.

Internal Revenue Service
U.S. Postal Service
Telephone Service
Cable TV Service
Civil Service
State, City, County & Public Service
Customer Service

This is NOT what I thought the word, 'service', meant.

But today, I overheard two ranchers talking and one of them said he had bought a bull to 'service' his cows.


And BAM!!! It all came into focus!

Today is Friday So That's Why You're Getting This One !!


[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=other&file=4397Friday.pps[/url]

[QUOTE=SgtPerv]David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run..

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.[/QUOTE]


All I can say is: "[i]Biggoty biggoty biggoty, let's go racist boys![/i]"

Recently I saw a Mercedes Benz in traffic with a vanity plate that spelled "DIGITS". A forum member????

For brevity Frank Sinatra is abreviated as "FS" on Sinatra websites. Recently I was in a Sinatra chat room and mentioned that FS also stands for full service, and I explained what that is. That got some laughs!

LEXINGTON PARK, Md. (WUSA) - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on TheBayNet.com, and Saint Mary's county public safety sources confirmed the information to 9NEWS NOW.

The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

On Wednesday, Saint Mary's County Sheriffs released an update on their investigation. Detectives conducted an investigation which determined the injury was a result of a consensual act between two parties and no crime was committed.

[url]http://www.wusa9.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=82520&catid=158[/url]

[QUOTE=Drew Park]LEXINGTON PARK, Md. (WUSA) - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on TheBayNet.com, and Saint Mary's county public safety sources confirmed the information to 9NEWS NOW.

The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

On Wednesday, Saint Mary's County Sheriffs released an update on their investigation. Detectives conducted an investigation which determined the injury was a result of a consensual act between two parties and no crime was committed.

[url]http://www.wusa9.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=82520&catid=158[/url][/QUOTE]

Here's a picture of her husband:

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his marines and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, 'Yes, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear .. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington , but don't count on things smelling any better

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

My favorite is the old man who almost gets took out at the knees. His facial expression never changes.



[url]http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lmpifyylaf[/url]

Finally, someone has cleared this up.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones & provide us with technical advice.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? '

'I'm listening to the music of the tree, ' the other man replied.

'You've have to be kiddin' me. '

'No, would you like to give it a try? '

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK. ' So he wrapped his arms around the tree! And pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you? '

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake.'