Jokes & Humorous Stories

[url]http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless[/url]

Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.

[QUOTE=Robux][url]http://www.americanfilms.com/play.cfm?clipid=9&kw=shameless[/url]

Hooker just like dear old dad used to date. In fact, it is the same hooker he used to date.[/QUOTE]


My eyes! My eyes! As soon as I recover I am going to fuck the living daylights out of her. Tell your dad I'm coming by with a bottle so we can compare notes.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM. EST all American women are asked to walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American
women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6 -pack at you side
is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

BBB

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks.

So the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk. Killed with an axe."

BBB

I am not making a political statement.
I am not endorsing a political party.

But in case you're shopping for your favorite politics junkie, here is the perfect gift.

[url=http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230039721735]Mark Foley "Ready for Action" Figurine[/url]

Great catch, Bench, but I'll bet you would never take'em home to meet Momma.

LOL

Randy

Dwarves get horny too just like all us handsome irresistable guys - maybe even hornier. One day a dwarf and his buddy dwarf couldn't take it any longer and decided to pay for sex. They get two adjoining rooms in a nice hotel and call an outcall escort service.

The first dwarf takes off all his clothes and gets into bed naked with the prostitute. She looks great lying there all naked on the bed: long red hair, big tits, narrow waist, long legs. He really wants her. But for some reason he is unable to get an erection.

To make matters worse, he can hear his buddy and the other woman in the next room. "One, Two, Three, Here I come!" The first dwarf relaxes for a bit, then tries again. Nothing. Next door, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" again. This goes on all night. The first dwarf can't get it up all night. He keeps hearing, "One, Two, Three, Here I Come" all night long.

The next morning the two dwarves are sitting in the hotel coffee shop. "God, what a night," says the first dwarf. "The woman was beautiful and sexy as hell, but I couldn't get an erection."

"That's nothing," said the second dwarf. "I couldn't even get up on the bed."

- Double Nickle

I was telling a buddy of mine how great I used to have it in Waterbury. "There were 10 Korean Massage Parlors charging $140 to $160 for full service. I walk into any one of them and a gorgeous babe in sexy lingerie greats me at the door by name with a smile and a kiss. She gropes my crotch, 'I see you're happy to see me.' I get a cup of green tea and time in the sauna. During the table shower she slips out of her wispy garments and slides her soapy body all over me. She brings me back to the massage room and leaves. An even hotter girl comes in. I get a full professional massage. Then she gets on top of me and we do 69. Then she hops on my dick and rides me cowgirl style while I'm sucking on her huge bouncing boobies. Massive climax. We snuggle for a bit and get cleaned up. On my way out the first girl kisses me on the mouth, unwraps a peppermint candy and pops it in my mouth. There is a new girl I haven't seen before. 20ish with a spiky punk haircut - so hot I'm literally shaking. She grabs my dick through my clothes, 'come back soon.' I walk out trying to hide the flagpole in my pants. How about that," I say to my buddy.

My buddy, he says, "That's nothing. There's another place in Waterbury that is way better. You go in and sit down at the bar. One dollar fifty cents for great microbrewed beer. And you get a great full buffet with it. They put money in the jukebox for you and you get to dance to your heart's content. Wait, I'm not finished. Then they take you to a room in back and you get the best sex of your life. Multiple pops. New positions. As long as you want. All this for only a hundred and fifty cents."

I tell my buddy, "I don't believe you. What is the name of this place? Have you actually been there?" My buddy, he says to me, "Well, no I haven't actually been there yet but I have it on good authority from somebody I absolutely trust....My sister told me about it."

Double Nickle

To celebrate my fifty-fifth birthday I went to Hedonism II in Jamaica for a week. Contrary to what many believe it does not guarantee unlimited sex for single guys. Many guests are couples, and single guys far far outnumber single girls. But you can see almost unlimited naked flesh as there is a nude section. I went to the massage hut there thinking I would surely get hand relief. Nope, I walked out of there butt naked (I hadn't worn clothes in) with a big hard-on. (I tried to look nonchalant). I took a midnight dip in the nude pool. A couple is in the hammock right next to it, making love. I'm in the outdoor nude jacuzzi. A smoking hot girl climbs in and looks at me with smouldering eyes. I get as hard as I've been in my life. Then she goes and gives the guy right next to me a blowjob right in the outdoor hot-tub. A week of this. No sex for me. I have never been so horny in my entire life. I would have fucked the brains out of the ugliest, fattest, most personality minus female.

So my week is up and I fly back to Bradley Field and take the airport limo to Waterbury. I stop in the 24 hour convenience store on Bank Street. As I am coming out I see a streetwalker straight out of my early 1970's mongering days. 20ish, hot pants with a bit of butt hanging out. My knees are turning to jello, but I manage to stumble up to her and stutter out, "Oh man, I really, really wish I had a little pussy." She looks me straight in the eye and says, "Me too, mine is as big as a barn."

Double Nickle

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 39 and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"
The agent says, "Tell me about the act."


Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke...





Benchseats Rock

WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC

Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.

Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....

[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Kick her in the ankle.[/QUOTE]Wrong mo fo. She really moans and bitches when you don't pay her....

[QUOTE=LoveLOS]WARNING FROM THE BBB ABOUT AFLAC

Seems the (BBB) Better Business Bureau got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.

Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals. The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is. A passer by with a digital camera happened to capture the photo below. Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Be careful out there!
Don't say you weren't warned....[/QUOTE]


You want ducks? I got your ducks right here.


Benchseats Rock

[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]A guy walks into a talent agency and says, "Have I got an act for you!"

The agent says, "Tell me about the act."

Now wouldn't this just be the classic monger joke.

Benchseats Rock[/QUOTE]What do you call this act - "The Aristocrats".

Hey I finally posted!