Jokes & Humorous Stories

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.


Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.


Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?


Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?



" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

Try this it is fun!

IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE outdoors men AND THEN THERE ARE outdoors men

[url]http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/[/url]

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”

These two guys walk into a bar, and they’ve each got a black eye. The bartender asks the first guy. “What happened to you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words with my wife. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY good looking. When I accidentally said ‘Two pickets to tits-burg’ instead of ‘Two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ the wife hit me.”

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. “And you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words also. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say ‘Please pass the margarine,’ but instead I accidentally said ‘You stupid *****, you ruined my life’…”

[QUOTE=A John]Try this it is fun!

IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE outdoors men AND THEN THERE ARE outdoors men

[url]http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/[/url][/QUOTE]

You owe me 2 hours of my life.
Nice link,

Bench

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg[/url]

[QUOTE=A John]

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

[/QUOTE]


I prefer: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him how to catch fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day".

[QUOTE=Benchseats Rock]You owe me 2 hours of my life.
Nice link,

Bench[/QUOTE]

Two hours you could have been out mongering if I know you. Saved yourself some $$. :D

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign
Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . .'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two 'ho's driving around with a large sign on their car...

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels

Seeking Peter -- $50.

Two Woodpeckers.

A Mexican w oodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and ! rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said , I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,

he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back

into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,

it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat.'

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face
and told her mother,
"Little Johnnie showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really
small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No................ Salty."




[QUOTE=Muddy Shoes]Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”[/QUOTE]

These are too funny not to share!

Some guy bought a new fridge for
his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his
front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good
home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the
fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting
of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
---------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the
beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look
at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my
brother asked the estate agent which direction was north
because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the
north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in
the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our
lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the
administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got
on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a
convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

----------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in
her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she
gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend
when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring
by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain
that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance
apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

---------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at
the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,'
she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I
observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to
be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into
4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't
think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .... and then there are educators.