The Prickyard

[QUOTE=SexCreation110;3058376]I mean, yikes. I always thought it was obvious.[/QUOTE]It is, and I have a whole book of excuses with sub-plots and twists. I blame sleep depravation, 100+ hour work weeks since I have been moonlighting for extra dough, The Indiana State Treasury, The Islamic State, Models Massage off Ditch, Trump, chocolate fever and NAFTA. Anyway, I have been tracking the status of an amended return with the state since April. They finally processed it (forgot about the tax rebate for 529 contributions, see I'm that much of a degenerate, my 7 yo has a 5 figure college savings account). So my "balance sheet" for Sept is looking like not even I could screw it up and go into the red. So I ended up meeting a masseuse from Models in my second line of work. She was telling me how exciting her massages were. She was really attractive as well. So the prospect of having a good time was quite high. Well I asked if she wanted to provide a session outcall to me and she agreed. Well then we started to talk more specifics and let's just say expectations were not in line on either side. So I dropped her off and went on my merry way.

I decided to go visit Models location in person to see what is going on there. A place off Ditch. Terrible experience. The girl I got (different than the girl I met) was young (college age) but not that attractive. I've done better off POF in that age range. She had a unique incompetence that was only complemented by her stupidity. She used a paint brush to smooth coconut oil on me, barely rub it around, while coming no where near my genitals or butt. Every time the sheet came near to expose me she asked me to cover it. Then the "hot" towel treatment followed the misappropriation of the coconut oil. She informed me that she let the towels cool because they come out of the machine scalding hot. Like she was doing me some service by providing luke-warm towel service. I didn't little to hide my overall dissatisfaction with her services. But I was still polite so she didn't quite catch on to my not so subtle hints. She offered me a business card with stamps on the back, after six sessions of wasting coconut oil, I would get an equally insufferable session on the house. I declined the card.

At this point I'm dying for some 'tang so I started texting everything on BP and went with the one I got a response from that was closest. Unfortunately it was Travesty-gurl. Needless to say I didn't find what I was looking for there either (as "she" was not equipped and I was quite repulsed and left almost as soon as I got there).

Next off to Brad's. Had a couple of fantastic lap dance sessions with Candace. 5 foot blond with a smoking hot spinner frame. She kept wanting me to go VIP and I let my expectations be known and she didn't seem interested in fulfilling that. So I went home with a major case of the blue balls.

[QUOTE=LancePkrbttm;3059083]It is, and I have a whole book of excuses with sub-plots and twists. I blame sleep depravation, 100+ hour work weeks since I have been moonlighting for extra dough, The Indiana State Treasury, The Islamic State, Models Massage off Ditch, Trump, chocolate fever and NAFTA. Anyway, I have been tracking the status of an amended return with the state since April. They finally processed it (forgot about the tax rebate for 529 contributions, see I'm that much of a degenerate, my 7 yo has a 5 figure college savings account). So my "balance sheet" for Sept is looking like not even I could screw it up and go into the red. So I ended up meeting a masseuse from Models in my second line of work. She was telling me how exciting her massages were. She was really attractive as well. So the prospect of having a good time was quite high. Well I asked if she wanted to provide a session outcall to me and she agreed. Well then we started to talk more specifics and let's just say expectations were not in line on either side. So I dropped her off and went on my merry way.

I decided to go visit Models location in person to see what is going on there. A place off Ditch. Terrible experience. The girl I got (different than the girl I met) was young (college age) but not that attractive. I've done better off POF in that age range. She had a unique incompetence that was only complemented by her stupidity. She used a paint brush to smooth coconut oil on me, barely rub it around, while coming no where near my genitals or butt. Every time the sheet came near to expose me she asked me to cover it. Then the "hot" towel treatment followed the misappropriation of the coconut oil. She informed me that she let the towels cool because they come out of the machine scalding hot. Like she was doing me some service by providing luke-warm towel service. I didn't little to hide my overall dissatisfaction with her services. But I was still polite so she didn't quite catch on to my subtle hints. She offered me a business card with stamps on the back, after six sessions of wasting coconut oil, I would get an equally insufferable session on the house. I declined the card.

At this point I'm dying for some 'tang so I started texting everything on BP and went with the one I got a response from that was closest. Unfortunately it was Travesty-gurl. Needless to say I didn't find what I was looking for there either (as "she" was not equipped and I was quite repulsed and left almost as soon as I got there).

Next off to Brad's. Had a couple of fantastic lap dance sessions with Candace. 5 foot blond with a smoking hot spinner frame. She kept wanting me to go VIP and I let my expectations be known and she didn't seem interested in fulfilling that. So I went home with a major case of the blue balls.[/QUOTE]I have always been told that unless your balls touch you don't catch the gay, so you should be fine.

[QUOTE=Untchbl;3059087]I have always been told that unless your balls touch you don't catch the gay, so you should be fine.[/QUOTE]There's also an anti-gay medicine called Trynoassatall. Or, you can sit on your hands and just keep your mouth shut. Hope this helps!

Might I offer you a few ways to help you with your situation.

1. You could ignore your boner, and hope it goes away.

B. You can cut a slit in some Spam, heat it to 100 degrees, and have your way with it. It feels just like a woman's privates, and the nicest part is, you can make a sandwich for yourself when you're done Although it's a bit salty.

III. For a fee, I could always dress up like Minnie Pearl, and do a lap dance for you, while you fire off some knuckle children into a Dixie cup. We then throw the cup in the trash. Kitkat says I've got a nice ass, and my legs are finer than a queen Anne dining room table, so I think a rise in your Levi's is very possible. I'm going to need Mmgeg to do my makeup however, as mild Parkinson's and over exposure to automotive solvents have taken their toll on my once steady hands. They now shake like Rock Hudson at his AIDS test. So now when I'm trying for the smokey eyes look, I tend to more resemble the mixture of an EKG readout, and a seismograph chart from San Francisco, circa 1906. Now, for the record, I'm NOT GAY! So no funny business. Although it doesn't mean that I couldn't get sucked into the lifestyle. I'm most certain my friends would stand behind me if I converted.

And how much will this cost me? You ask?

Well, if you pick me up on Bob's tandem all season 8 speed Huffy, not a thing my friend. Not a thing.

Signed, Minnie Pearl, uh, I mean Kyussfan.

[QUOTE=Kyussfan;3059478]Might I offer you a few ways to help you with your situation.

1. You could ignore your boner, and hope it goes away.

B. You can cut a slit in some Spam, heat it to 100 degrees, and have your way with it. It feels just like a woman's privates, and the nicest part is, you can make a sandwich for yourself when you're done Although it's a bit salty.

III. For a fee, I could always dress up like Minnie Pearl, and do a lap dance for you, while you fire off some knuckle children into a Dixie cup. We then throw the cup in the trash. Kitkat says I've got a nice ass, and my legs are finer than a queen Anne dining room table, so I think a rise in your Levi's is very possible. I'm going to need Mmgeg to do my makeup however, as mild Parkinson's and over exposure to automotive solvents have taken their toll on my once steady hands. They now shake like Rock Hudson at his AIDS test. So now when I'm trying for the smokey eyes look, I tend to more resemble the mixture of an EKG readout, and a seismograph chart from San Francisco, circa 1906. Now, for the record, I'm NOT GAY! So no funny business. Although it doesn't mean that I couldn't get sucked into the lifestyle. I'm most certain my friends would stand behind me if I converted.

And how much will this cost me? You ask?

Well, if you pick me up on Bob's tandem all season 8 speed Huffy, not a thing my friend. Not a thing.

Signed, Minnie Pearl, uh, I mean Kyussfan.[/QUOTE]Come to the board for the reviews. Stay for the humor.

[QUOTE=LancePkrbttm;3059083]At this point I'm dying for some 'tang so I started texting everything on BP and went with the one I got a response from that was closest. Unfortunately it was Travesty-gurl. Needless to say I didn't find what I was looking for there either (as "she" was not equipped and I was quite repulsed and left almost as soon as I got there).[/QUOTE]Don't feel bad my friend. This story is probably a better fit for [B]Tales From The Road[/B] but since your recent experience is discussed here then I will reluctantly respond with my story.

I was in Dade County Florida, the home of hot chicks and loose women. I was at a bar having a few drinks of choice when a very hot, late 20's redhead with freckles in a sundress sits next to me. She wasn't Angie Everhart beautiful but not far from it. Thick natural red hair to the middle of her back which was covered in freckles and a very voluptuous bust size probably 36 C with a spattering of angel kisses. Of course I introduced myself and asked if I could buy her next drink. We talked, laughed and teased for over an hour. I was there on business and had about an hour drive back up the east coast to my humble abode. She however lived nearby and offered some intimacy at her private residence. Now I couldn't believe my luck. How could a middle aged pervert like me get so lucky with such a hot lady. I was used to it in the strip clubs, but they were focused on my $ and knew the path to it was through my dick. This redhead however never mentioned $ only some fun times and true intimacy at her residence. So we headed to the parking lot arm in arm. My dick was already feeling the strain of release. We got to my car as I planned to drive with her back to her place. We proceeded with a heavy make out session in the front seat. Damn she could kiss. She reached over and started stroking the front of my already uncomfortable shorts. Reaching inside the easy access sundress, I teased her small nipples with my fingers on some of the greatest manmade breasts. She then whispered in my ear about how much she loved oral and I how I could cum anywhere on her body that I wished. As I stroked her smooth legs bringing my hand higher and higher on her thighs she then said she wasn't wearing any panties. I moved my hand up to her crotch prepared to stroke her labia majora and feel her wetness.

As I reached the point of no return all the while engaged in a deep kiss, I felt, OMG, Muther Fucker, balls and a dick! I never knew my Johnson could become inverted as quickly as it did. I nearly jumped out of my seat through the drivers side door. I said whoa I don't play on that side of the tracks. I opened the car door and climbed out and asked her, him, whatever to leave. It said you should try it once before you deny it. I simply replied [B][red]HELL NO[/red][/B]. I spent the next hour in the restroom of a nearby VP with a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash that I purchased trying to get every last drop of my oral cavity clean and fresh.

I was gun shy for at least the next 12 months. Every woman I met that even hinted at intimacy I asked them if they were born a woman and still are. I don't know how many fine ladies I missed out on because the normal response was, "WTF are you talking about are you some type of pervert, goodbye!" I stuck with strip clubs after that because I could at least review the goods on stage before I partook in the pleasures in the back rooms. So Lance, don't feel bad. At least you weren't out $40 dollars in multiple bottles of mouthwash and toothpaste! Damn, I should have known better. I was in Dade County and the plastic surgeons in the area combined with the TS scene should have made my spidey senses ring when a hot redhead would want a freebie from an ugly old fart like me.

Haha! Thanks for the story. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in the group to be fooled. I wasn't 100% when I left. I took my shirt off and when she / it started rubbing my back I felt like Little Red Riding Without Wood. "Gosh Stacey, what strong hands you have!" "The better to stroke my, uh I mean, your cock with!" When she / it asked if I wanted a happy ending and it would be extra (after like 1 minute) I declined and politely left. I actually just naively thought I just wasn't attracted to her / it. Then on the way to Brad's it dawned on me that it was probably a dude. In hindsight, I'm really glad I didn't do the crotch feel. That had to have been uber traumatic!

[QUOTE=FreckleFreak;3059896]Don't feel bad my friend. This story is probably a better fit for [B]Tales From The Road[/B] but since your recent experience is discussed here then I will reluctantly respond with my story.

I was in Dade County Florida, the home of hot chicks and loose women. I was at a bar having a few drinks of choice when a very hot, late 20's redhead with freckles in a sundress sits next to me. She wasn't Angie Everhart beautiful but not far from it. Thick natural red hair to the middle of her back which was covered in freckles and a very voluptuous bust size probably 36 C with a spattering of angel kisses. Of course I introduced myself and asked if I could buy her next drink. We talked, laughed and teased for over an hour. I was there on business and had about an hour drive back up the east coast to my humble abode. She however lived nearby and offered some intimacy at her private residence. Now I couldn't believe my luck. How could a middle aged pervert like me get so lucky with such a hot lady. I was used to it in the strip clubs, but they were focused on my $ and knew the path to it was through my dick. This redhead however never mentioned $ only some fun times and true intimacy at her residence. So we headed to the parking lot arm in arm. My dick was already feeling the strain of release. We got to my car as I planned to drive with her back to her place. We proceeded with a heavy make out session in the front seat. Damn she could kiss. She reached over and started stroking the front of my already uncomfortable shorts. Reaching inside the easy access sundress, I teased her small nipples with my fingers on some of the greatest manmade breasts. She then whispered in my ear about how much she loved oral and I how I could cum anywhere on her body that I wished. As I stroked her smooth legs bringing my hand higher and higher on her thighs she then said she wasn't wearing any panties. I moved my hand up to her crotch prepared to stroke her labia majora and feel her wetness.

As I reached the point of no return all the while engaged in a deep kiss, I felt, OMG, Muther Fucker, balls and a dick! I never knew my Johnson could become inverted as quickly as it did. I nearly jumped out of my seat through the drivers side door. I said whoa I don't play on that side of the tracks. I opened the car door and climbed out and asked her, him, whatever to leave. It said you should try it once before you deny it. I simply replied [B][red]HELL NO[/red][/B]. I spent the next hour in the restroom of a nearby VP with a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash that I purchased trying to get every last drop of my oral cavity clean and fresh.

I was gun shy for at least the next 12 months. Every woman I met that even hinted at intimacy I asked them if they were born a woman and still are. I don't know how many fine ladies I missed out on because the normal response was, "WTF are you talking about are you some type of pervert, goodbye!" I stuck with strip clubs after that because I could at least review the goods on stage before I partook in the pleasures in the back rooms. So Lance, don't feel bad. At least you weren't out $40 dollars in multiple bottles of mouthwash and toothpaste! Damn, I should have known better. I was in Dade County and the plastic surgeons in the area combined with the TS scene should have made my spidey senses ring when a hot redhead would want a freebie from an ugly old fart like me.[/QUOTE]

So, I have been on and off this board for at least the last 10 years. Mainly lurker. I am glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this story because it would have shot right through my nose. The best line was "I never knew my Johnson could become inverted as quickly as it did". I pictured a turtle tucking his head back into his shell. Great story. Thanks for the laugh!!

[QUOTE=FreckleFreak;3059896]Don't feel bad my friend. This story is probably a better fit for [B]Tales From The Road[/B] but since your recent experience is discussed here then I will reluctantly respond with my story.

I was in Dade County Florida, the home of hot chicks and loose women. I was at a bar having a few drinks of choice when a very hot, late 20's redhead with freckles in a sundress sits next to me. She wasn't Angie Everhart beautiful but not far from it. Thick natural red hair to the middle of her back which was covered in freckles and a very voluptuous bust size probably 36 C with a spattering of angel kisses. Of course I introduced myself and asked if I could buy her next drink. We talked, laughed and teased for over an hour. I was there on business and had about an hour drive back up the east coast to my humble abode. She however lived nearby and offered some intimacy at her private residence. Now I couldn't believe my luck. How could a middle aged pervert like me get so lucky with such a hot lady. I was used to it in the strip clubs, but they were focused on my $ and knew the path to it was through my dick. This redhead however never mentioned $ only some fun times and true intimacy at her residence. So we headed to the parking lot arm in arm. My dick was already feeling the strain of release. We got to my car as I planned to drive with her back to her place. We proceeded with a heavy make out session in the front seat. Damn she could kiss. She reached over and started stroking the front of my already uncomfortable shorts. Reaching inside the easy access sundress, I teased her small nipples with my fingers on some of the greatest manmade breasts. She then whispered in my ear about how much she loved oral and I how I could cum anywhere on her body that I wished. As I stroked her smooth legs bringing my hand higher and higher on her thighs she then said she wasn't wearing any panties. I moved my hand up to her crotch prepared to stroke her labia majora and feel her wetness.

As I reached the point of no return all the while engaged in a deep kiss, I felt, OMG, Muther Fucker, balls and a dick! I never knew my Johnson could become inverted as quickly as it did. I nearly jumped out of my seat through the drivers side door. I said whoa I don't play on that side of the tracks. I opened the car door and climbed out and asked her, him, whatever to leave. It said you should try it once before you deny it. I simply replied [B][red]HELL NO[/red][/B]. I spent the next hour in the restroom of a nearby VP with a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash that I purchased trying to get every last drop of my oral cavity clean and fresh.

I was gun shy for at least the next 12 months. Every woman I met that even hinted at intimacy I asked them if they were born a woman and still are. I don't know how many fine ladies I missed out on because the normal response was, "WTF are you talking about are you some type of pervert, goodbye!" I stuck with strip clubs after that because I could at least review the goods on stage before I partook in the pleasures in the back rooms. So Lance, don't feel bad. At least you weren't out $40 dollars in multiple bottles of mouthwash and toothpaste! Damn, I should have known better. I was in Dade County and the plastic surgeons in the area combined with the TS scene should have made my spidey senses ring when a hot redhead would want a freebie from an ugly old fart like me.[/QUOTE]

In my long travels as a monger, I eventually settled down with a UTR provider. We still occasionally enlist the services of a provider (male and female) as a means of hearkening back to our former activities and "incorporate" as it were, our predelictions into our current life together. Over the years, I've been sucked and sucked off by many women (no men to my knowledge). When my woman now brings me a playmate, that is the only thing on the menu for me, which is fine by me. What I have noticed is that whomever she brings home, either SW or utr, have always sucked dick like they are smoking a crackpipe. Weak jack hammering, if you want to call it jack hammering. No real effort to service the shaft, balls, taint, or anything. No luxurious tongue action or teasing to a climax. Maybe I need better playmates, but I can't complain because my woman now who used to be UTR by far gives the best blowjobs I have ever received from anyone in my long life. I even posted a vid or 2 on youporn (Daniella--maybe some of you knew her--that's phuqqn hot to me) and one pending on xvideos. So I can rank her as number one, followed by her UTR friend back in the day named Laura (called LaLa), and third place goes to 9th St. Kim who many of you know. Now this may piss many of you off, but I have to rate a particular provider as one of the worst, Although her looks, personality, and willingness made her a favorite of mine for many other reasons, I have to say Journey Darling was pretty bad. Maybe she though we wanted it rough, like a jackhammer battling a bear trap. I often had to tell her to ease up, which sometimes she had a hard time doing. Maybe she was used to it that way. Maybe many of you loved that treatment, Maybe she didn't like me. One time I told a threesome woman who was with us "what did my dick ever do to her? Anyway, that's part of my story. I still miss Journey Darling, and would love to see her again. Lord knows my woman and I have tried. Maybe someday. So there you go. What's your best / worst blowjob story?

[QUOTE=Mmgeg;3042046]I do this part time because well I like to suck a cock every once in a while. It's fun for me.[/QUOTE]We need more providers like this!

[QUOTE=TMeister;3065257]We need more providers like this![/QUOTE]And you won't be disappointed with her technique which is the old fashioned hand mouth stroker, JMO.

[QUOTE=IndyAnon;3066771]Appreciate the heads up. Just goes to show you not to trust anyone.

Reminds me of the "Franklin Township Creeper", on the outside completely respectable member of society and yet a weirdo kiddy toucher.[/QUOTE]It's not you it's just what you don't know. Mrnsolo's report was a general warning about a monger on the board. The warning was legitimate. Then you have to chime in and relate it to some News worthy event about the "Creeper" that even the local prosecutor doesn't know what the real truth is, yet! Every heard of SA? Well one for sure and I probably believe both of the girls mentioned in the Creeper Story are, or should I say were, at one time on SA and advertising there on a regular basis. So once two and two are put together, the "Creeper' just might be a guy who was invited by his SA contact to come on over. So the kiddy toucher was touching someone of age and invited to come over and touch her. Of course his timing wasn't the best but still doesn't make him a pedofile. I guess IA you didn't check out the girls age on her FB page did you? Once again you stuck your foot in mouth!

[QUOTE=Nimda2;3066459]If so, it doesn't matter how many times she changes her name she is still:

Too Old. Got to be closing in on 50 if not already past that mark.

Too fat. Got those fat bags between her thighs.

Too expensive for a tatted up senior citizen.[/QUOTE]Have you seen Layla Days / Candy Rain? Obviously not because you didn't review her in the USA Adult Classifieds: Advertiser Reviews thread you just gave your non-review contorted opinion. So I will break your comments down.

[B]Too Old?[/B] She is no where even close to 50. Even if she was I know a lot of 50 year old ladies who are great providers so what does age have to do with anything? No she is not a 21 year old, but nobody ever said she was.

[B]Too Fat?[/B] Damn boy she has some of the nicest legs I have ever seen so I know you have never seen her. No Fat Bags between her legs. She has thin legs up to a almost non-existent ass. She even complains about how flat her booty is. So once again you have not seen her. Besides even if she was, in your words "FAT" some guys like thicker women. I guess you don't.

[B]Too Expensive?[/B] For a tatted up senior citizen? Damn [B][red]Nimbecile[/red][/B] you really don't like her do you. Yes she has tats so do a lot of ladies. I guess you aren't an art lover are you? $200 hr for a full GFE experience is very reasonable. Especially when she is safe, drug free, clean and reliable.

Now this brings us to the other question. Who are you? You showed up in May of 2016 so I think you are some monger who got butt hurt at some point or their balls kicked around a few times and decided to come back with a chip on their shoulder. Can I say welcome back Mr. President!

What is really funny is I have had 4 hobbyists contact me since the original Candy Rain review saying OMG she's back? She was one of the greatest GFE's I have ever had the pleasure of meeting! So Nimbecile, when you actually see someone then we would all love to hear about your experience. Otherwise keep your opinions on this thread where they belong!

[QUOTE=FreckleFreak;3067058]Have you seen Layla Days / Candy Rain? Obviously not because you didn't review her in the USA Adult Classifieds: Advertiser Reviews thread you just gave your non-review contorted opinion. So I will break your comments down.

[B]Too Old?[/B] She is no where even close to 50. Even if she was I know a lot of 50 year old ladies who are great providers so what does age have to do with anything? No she is not a 21 year old, but nobody ever said she was.

[B]Too Fat?[/B] Damn boy she has some of the nicest legs I have ever seen so I know you have never seen her. No Fat Bags between her legs. She has thin legs up to a almost non-existent ass. She even complains about how flat her booty is. So once again you have not seen her. Besides even if she was, in your words "FAT" some guys like thicker women. I guess you don't.

[B]Too Expensive?[/B] For a tatted up senior citizen? Damn [B][red]Nimbecile[/red][/B] you really don't like her do you. Yes she has tats so do a lot of ladies. I guess you aren't an art lover are you? $200 hr for a full GFE experience is very reasonable. Especially when she is safe, drug free, clean and reliable.

Now this brings us to the other question. Who are you? You showed up in May of 2016 so I think you are some monger who got butt hurt at some point or their balls kicked around a few times and decided to come back with a chip on their shoulder. Can I say welcome back Mr. President!

What is really funny is I have had 4 hobbyists contact me since the original Candy Rain review saying OMG she's back? She was one of the greatest GFE's I have ever had the pleasure of meeting! So Nimbecile, when you actually see someone then we would all love to hear about your experience. Otherwise keep your opinions on this thread where they belong![/QUOTE]And no reason to believe that would change. Although I never had the pleasure she had a very fine reputation and was according to reviews a wonderful SP. Reviews speak for themselves generally and as I recall do not remember seeing any negative ones on LD. With a provider it is about performance an attitude to create the illusion. Not too much to ask I would think.

[QUOTE=FreckleFreak;3066991]It's not you it's just what you don't know. Mrnsolo's report was a general warning about a monger on the board. The warning was legitimate. Then you have to chime in and relate it to some News worthy event about the "Creeper" that even the local prosecutor doesn't know what the real truth is, yet! Every heard of SA? Well one for sure and I probably believe both of the girls mentioned in the Creeper Story are, or should I say were, at one time on SA and advertising there on a regular basis. So once two and two are put together, the "Creeper' just might be a guy who was invited by his SA contact to come on over. So the kiddy toucher was touching someone of age and invited to come over and touch her. Of course his timing wasn't the best but still doesn't make him a pedofile. I guess IA you didn't check out the girls age on her FB page did you? Once again you stuck your foot in mouth![/QUOTE]The message wasn't for you.

However, I hear the gentleman in the article used to frequent Brad's. If you would like to regale eachother with stories of your exploits. Nothing would warm my heart more then bringing two friends together.

PM me if you want the phone number! Always glad to help.