Jokes & Humorous Stories

HOOVER , TRUMAN AND EISENHOWER
Here is something that should be of great interest for you to
pass around. I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.

Back during The Great Depression, Pr resident Herbert Hoover
ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs
available to American citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to
create jobs for returning veterans.

And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 13
million Mexican nationals! The program was called 'Operation
Wetback' so that American WWII and Korean veterans had a better
chance at jobs. It took 2
years, but they deported them!

Now, if they could deport the illegal's back then, they can sure
do it today! lf you have doubts about the veracity of this
information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search
engine and confirm it for yourself.

Reminder. Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!

WHY ARE WE BANKRUPT?

OH! Now I understand!!!

You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

Boy, was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the

Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be
RIDICULOUS.

I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they
are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have
included the URL's for verification of all the following facts. (4 of 14
-dead links)

1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year
by state governments.

Verify at:
[url]http://www.fairus.org/site/PageServer?pagename=iic_immigrationissuecenters7fd8[/url]

New Orleans Crabs.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand? "

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

"Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to ESPN on Monday that he used steroids from 2001 to 2003, confirming a report over the weekend by Sports Illustrated.

This should teach young players a lesson. Steroids might make you stronger and lead to gigantic contracts, but eventually your poor judgment will catch up to you.

And when that happens, you'll find Madonna attractive. "

[url]http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/cas/1022050369.html[/url]

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain, it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest.. . Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand, is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In pre-historic times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well, you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under

My bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.

I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup!"

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you"?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now"!!!"

Screw those shrinks. Go have a drink & talk to your bartender!

A Magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

'Look, it's not the same hat! ' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! ' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades? ' The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days.

Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said.

'OK , I give up. Where's the fucking ship?'

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress from the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But, as he moved the car a little farther forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.

No, nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart, and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater, and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days earlier, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!"

What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth
$500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced
the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own
that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he
truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city
of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.

20 He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

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A South Carolina State
trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles
North of the SC/NC State line. When the trooper asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was
a Magician and Juggler and was on his way
to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine
Circus. He didn't want to be
late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by
juggling and asked if the driver would do a little
juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he
had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him..

While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunken good old boy from W.V
got out, watched the performance, then went over
to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got
in. The trooper observed him and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what
he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me
to jail, cause there ain't no way I
can pass that test.'

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place smack his ass again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Not really a joke, but check out this story from the UK. This kid looks like he is eight!

[url]http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece[/url]