Every Man's Dream.........
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Every Man's Dream.........
[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=Everyman__sdream.wmv[/url]
Elderly woman..........
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness."
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. "I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by
yourself."
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?” she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
But then the same old problem (INFLATION) crops up.
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Lord, what would we do without the camera and the internet.....this is funny.
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A[/url]
This New Video is getting great exposure but if you ha ven't seen it yet, click below.
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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about married women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down
to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked
down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment..... "we have lived happily every after
This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.
The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.
Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick. He Told Her He Couldn't.stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.
The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts
Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her
Eyes! After Years Of Torture, She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good..
About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.
He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And
I Didn't Listen To You'.
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.'
But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.'
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, football, baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
To give them a bigger laugh. ,
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here? '' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. '' ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile. ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here.. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here.. 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor? !
And me.. I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, 'The Fucking Arab'. ''