Jokes & Humorous Stories

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading this joke.


You hang in there sunshine!
AJ

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids
to a great university!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I
LOVE Brad Pitt!! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied.
'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?

'The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars...
but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

From Craigslist personals:

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

Reply to: [email]pers-982078099@craigslist.org[/email] [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

*

- Alex

From the news: Over 2 million Obama supporters came to Washington DC to witness the historic inaugaration. 34 of them had to take time off from work to attend the event.

President Obama has announced that his administration's most recent accomplishment since taking over George W. Bush's economic disaster has led to an increase in the length of the day.

Many in the media and even some regular citizens have recently been remarking on the unexpected increase in daylight hours. This has resulted in some people who are still employed not even having to switch the light on to when they get dressed for work in the morning. The change has been so noticeable that Obama had to bring forward an announcement on the matter. In a press conference outside the White House this morning, the new President said the changes were a direct result of his new executive orders. Although he failed to divulge the details.

‘Measures I have put in place will secure a reduction in nocturnal darkness,’ said Mr Obama, ‘not only for this country but for many of our friends and allies in Canada, Europe and Japan who grew angry with us during the previous administration. Day by day, week on week, month on month for the foreseeable future. Thanks to my efforts, daylight hours are expected to continue to increase until at least mid June, and there is no reason why they should not then stay at those levels or even increase further.’

Mr. Obama continued: ‘This will mean lower heating bills for hard working families and struggling senior citizens. People will get the long sunny days they deserve. This is positive change that I have brought about and I have not had to raise anyone's taxes or increase government spending to accomplish it. There will be less darkness now that I am president.’

In response to a question about the effect his actions have had on the southern hemisphere, where days have allegedly been getting shorter, Obama said that the consensus was that countries such as Australia, Brazil and his father's homeland of Kenya had been overheated for too long, that this correction was well overdue and it could lessen the effects man made global warming was having on these locations. Furthermore, it would bring welcome relief to the penguins in Antarctica.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream announces new flavor:

[size=2][b]Baracky Road[/size][/b]

This new dessert will be half vanilla / half chocolate and be surrounded by fruits and nuts.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to d
addy, s nookums!' You're fit to be framed, you're soooo queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he goes where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. I f you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

OH YEAH... IF THIS EMAIL OFFENDS YOU... YOU'RE A FAG TOO!!!!!!!!

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the
stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the
corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an
empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way
through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says
no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to
me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob,
"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at
the funeral."

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away.

A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind? " "Yes, I know, " said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat. "

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're privates are exposed! "

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"

Today the State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.

I'm just checking to make sure you guys are alright.

[QUOTE=A John]Today the State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.

I'm just checking to make sure you guys are alright.[/QUOTE]


I'm LMAO , but I'm ok. Thanks for all the stories, it gives me something to look forward to , when there is nothing else to laugh at.

Guys…..this was funny, but it made A LOT of sense. I am definitely down to get more tattoos. LOL.

"Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment . This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment ?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China . You children are expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart , all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez , the Arabs and Al Queda

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

This has been around but I still enjoy it.



[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GErpOl3KG_w[/url]

I've often been asked AJ,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering
backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine,
bourbon, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!