Jokes & Humorous Stories

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering poundand stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

WorldNetDaily
Obama adviser: White
males need not apply

Robert Reich tells House panel stimulus package should emphasize 'social return' over worker skill


[url]http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=86827[/url]


POLICE DOGS

FROM THE CHIEF:

THE DETROIT POLICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.

WARNING:
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Rev. Wright will be comin over to kick your honky ass!!!!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout
line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !

[QUOTE=A John]In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


You can't make this stuff up - truth is stranger than fiction....
[url]http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece[/url]

Words of wisdom from 7 year olds on Beer!

#1 for me is Jack 7yr old last one lol

A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.



"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... theMagic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what?'

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,

'Yeah right...Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

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A meal to die for...literally

You have to watch a short commercial first, but the CBS Sunday Morning video segment is really worth seeing.
[url]http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632991n[/url]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on
his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure
enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be
over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's
got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit
bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going
to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this
baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab
his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued
enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so
quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now...
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

A young boy comes down for breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?" he asks

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"