Jokes & Humorous Stories

A beautiful well built young lady married this very wealth but not very bright young man. On their wedding night, she is wearing a very sexy night gown climb into bed. Nothing happened. She thought he must be tired and will do it tomorrow night. Tomorrow came and went as did several weeks and still nothing. One Wednesday after supper her husband asked if he could go bowling with the boys. She told him go ahead since nothing was happening at home. When he got home that night, they went to bed. No sooner than the lights were off, he was on her and they fucked all night. In the morning, she turned to him and asked way didn’t you do that sooner. He looked at her and said I just found out tonight that you put out.


Young couple standing at the altar getting married. They smile at each other. The man thinks what a luck man I am. Susan is a beautiful woman, she is smart, has a great body, fucks very well and I will be getting the best blow jobs in the world for the rest of my like. Susan looks at Jim and thinks I am a very lucky woman. Jim is good looking, he is rich, I just have to teach him how to fuck me and best of all I will never have to suck his cock again.

Q: How do you make a hormone?



A: Kick her in the ankle.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that? "

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.

When he realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, out of habit he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? " asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver. "

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Geesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

The parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing. but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst"...said the parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's agreat pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands under her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," the man exclaims."Then what?"

The parrot says,"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch. "replies the parrot.

BBB

The year is 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulation of enough Frequent Flyer miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen
.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"why?" he asks. "What's the Matter?"

She replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it", says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"Horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears !

BBB

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there? "

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. " After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. M. Fri! Day afternoon

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p. M. Sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 PM. And upon entering the house asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon? "

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon. "

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,

"And did he give you $500? "

In terror she assumed that some how he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500. "

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back. "

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

A beautiful young lady goes to her local pet store, where she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

The girl grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Go to bed naked with the frog.

Nothing happens! The girl is frustrated and quite upset.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If it doesn’t work, call the pet store.”

So the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “Yes, I’ve had some complaints about those frogs. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes the pet shop owner is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, “I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

“Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

How to tell if you are a redneck:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch
this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

This is a real hoot!

ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/blinddateparody.html

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Check out this costume:

[url]http://www.wackyplanet.com/pe-300445.html[/url]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with

the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking
a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him. One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has
done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and
then he calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did
all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled
before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."