Jokes & Humorous Stories

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Alicante to Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

I was traveling in Mexico with my then wife. Like many young hands, we were in a VW van equipped with a potty to provide for our fussy American preference for sanitation and privacy.

My wife and I had been quibbling all day, due to the stifling heat and humidity of the sea level jungle in which we had been camping. We took the road toward Mexico City, hoping that higher elevation would gain us some relief from the tropical heat.

On a switchback road several thousand feet above sea level, my dear wife announced the need to use the convenience, and lurched toward the rear of the van. I suggested that she wait until I could pull over, but she was resolute in her determination to attend to matters promptly.

From the back, I heard her irritable voice say, "Why's this sodding potty rocking?" I pondered, and realized that the potty was under pressure! It had been last used at sea level, and we had gained significant elevation. The bottom of the potty was bowed with pressure, causing the rocking. And, to my good wife's impending grief and mortification, the potty was nearly full.

A beat too late, I called back, "Honey don't flush..."

I was interrupted by a mighty "WHOOSH" and a slurpy noise. Then silence. Then a horrible stench, and the unhappy sounds of my dear bride cursing like a Liverpool longshoreman. In the rear view mirror, I saw that the interior of the van was dripping with brown fluid. Since she had to face the potty to flush it, and since she hadn't put the lid down, my hapless wife had taken the full blast from the pressurized holding tank. She looked like Al Jolson in black face.

Convulsed with laughter which was the proximate cause of our subsequent marital decline, I pulled over. My soon-to-be-ex lady marched down the highway cursing and dripping. When I recovered my composure, I cleaned the van and picked up my luckless hitch-hiking wife. Our conversation was limited over the next few days, and never regained it's former gaiety and charm.

That pressurized potty took us out of the gene pool.

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer! "

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge. "

And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors! "

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,

"Oh no. I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

Disillusion and disappointment was spreading across the United States today when Barrack Obama used his first White House Press Conference to declare that he had spent his first few hours as President trying to change things, but had found that it just wasn’t possible.

‘I gave it my best shot all morning’ said the 44th President of the United States just hours after his inauguration, ‘but people kept pointing out all these obstacles and problems and apparently it’s all very well talking about change, but actually doing it is like, really, really hard.’

The new President had been elected on a wave of enormous optimism and expectation that some political commentators had predicted might be hard to live up to. But even the most hardened cynics had not expected Obama to give up trying to effect meaningful change quite so quickly. ‘There’s like, all these people you have to persuade to do things differently, and then you have to write special laws, and haggle with Congress, blah, blah, blah – it’s really all much too much hassle. I thought we could maybe just call on market forces to rise to the challenge of the new millennium or something.’

The craven surrender already poses problems working for the Campaign to Re-elect Barrack Obama in four years time, although they are thought to be toying with the slogan ‘Change We Can’t Believe In’. There was further concern when President Obama made an alarming, if familiar slip of the tongue declaring ‘They misunderestimated me’.

George Bush was seen with his successor on the golf course later in the afternoon. Obama explained that Dubya had rung him up to see if he was busy. ‘And I thought, hell, why not? I’ve done all I can do here…’

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story???

OH, come on...take a guess!

Think about it...

The moral is of the story is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

'SEX FROGS'
Only $20each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE... TIME!!!'

Isn't it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich - a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy's children?

If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:

Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV's, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I'm looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW's (sorry) but you won't look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.

You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you're not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don't have a problem with that.

Deal breakers:
likes to shop too much
obsessed with height (i am short)
fat
talks about yourself too much
neediness
always wanting to talk about the relationship
small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)
doesnt like to cook for her man
bossiness
nagging
always wanting to get up early in the morning
fat
intolerance of me and my habits
pressure to have kids


Turn ons:
thin
large breasts (very sexy)
quiet
beer drinker
has her own friends and won't try to make me watch chick flicks
smells good
likes football
doesn't expect me to pay all the time
intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)
rich father
thin
doesn't have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.

Some terms women use in their adverts and what they really mean:

Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic.................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful...............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Ø Feminist................................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit...........................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first...................Former sl*t.
Ø New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing.................................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional............... ..........b*tch
Ø Voluptuous............................Very fat.
Ø Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate....................Stalker

Here is a really scary personal:


I'm looking for a long term(I already have our rings picked out) relationship with the perfect man. You need to be tall, beautiful, well built, oozing with lean rock hard muscles, and have thick dark hair. You need to be smart and college educated(PHD preferred). You of course need to have a great stable job where you make TONS of money for me to spend in any frivolous way I can think of. You need to be AWESOME in the sack with a huge package and have complete ejaculation control, so my intimate needs can be met each and every time you are lucky enough to have me. You also need to be content with no sex for months on end if it makes me happy. You must love kids because I have 7(don't worry the state has them for now). You also must LOVE my cats and instantly memorize the names and ages of all 12 of them. I have a hard time moving around so I bathe with a washrag on a stick and you must be willing to get the parts I cant reach. You must also be willing to fight other fat women off the electric shopping carts in large stores so I can ride them in comfort while shopping. My image of perfection can change at any time, depending on mood, time of the month, etc..You are required to conform to my changing expectations with little or no input from me. But enough about you.

I'm oddly enough shaped like a pumpkin....LOL. I am very obese(I just got sweatin to the oldies so I'm working on it)and as I mentioned I cant move around very well, I do have a few minor medical problems. I have a bedsore on my ass from the computer chair I'm in all day. However I did recently get a blow up donut so that's finally healing up. The area between my belly and my huge pendulous breasts doesn't get much air so I have a few sores under there, I prop the ladies up with dvd boxes to improve air circulation whilst I surf the net so that should be improving soon as well. I just love the way cats freshen up any living space, I like the way they smell and you should too!! I like long walks in the rain, well, you walk and I hoveround. I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE chocolate, LOTS of it(ice cream form is acceptable also). I have long dirty blond hair that I comb in such a way that you can hardly notice my dandruff and pattern baldness. I love to snuggle, just not on bath day(bath day is for me to enjoy).I have a massive collection of sexy floral moo moo's so you will never be without a little eye candy *wink*. Many of them just need to be washed and they'll look like brand new. I'm a smokin bBw waiting for you, the capitol B is for a little extra beautiful. I'm real you be too!!!!!!

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy say s, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most of us old timers are helpful like that.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word..he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as hreatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' . I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I j ust KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed 8 inches and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'


She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Something to laugh at …

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff..'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

This is a joke sent to me from a Nigerian friend so please don't hit me with the racist card.


NEWS FLASH: OBAMA TO TAX ASPIRIN!

I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS.

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Fuck.