Jokes & Humorous Stories

I think I've seen it all now!




[url]http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mld/cas/991548962.html[/url]

A true story.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was also one of her ancestors. Remus was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

She discovered the only known photograph of Remus showing him standing on the gallows in Montana territory, before he died. On the back of the picture was the inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in thefamily business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful womanhe had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments ofmanure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed alot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,it not only becameheavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles ofmanure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks sothat any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T,'(Ship High InTransit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

African laxative about to start working. Very quickly.

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the samesleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she inthe lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend thatwe're married.'

Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.


The End

Qualifications

A man is seeking to join the Bloomfield, New Jersey's Sheriff's Office.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[QUOTE=LordBlackAdder]A true story.[/QUOTE]Not actually true: [url]http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp[/url]

Would've been funny if it had been, though. :)

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers - Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

I was in Las Vegas a while back and having heard about the legal brothels with hostesses that make Pamela Anderson look bac, felt like I "had" to visit them. I called ahead to get rates and directions and should have taken a clue in the abiguity of "follow that a while" and "turn left and drive 'till you see the red light". Shit, several hours later I finally find it. The parking lot is completely empty, so I park near the fence line in front of the electrically controlled access door. I get out the the car only to hear someone shout from inside the house "you're in handicap parking, you'll have to move". I do and enter. There, I am presented with 8 of the ugliest skank 'hos in the free world. Having witnessed the death of my oldest and dearest fantasy, I leave looking forward to hours of time private time to contemplate where I went wrong.

S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F. " He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T. " She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F, " more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T. " The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F. " The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T. " The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday. ' Get it, duuhhh? " The man answered, yes, 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

Bailout Plan by Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno Show


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXznKV7rw7k[/url]

Some 'dirtbag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued.

The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker:

Naturally, the media went nuts and asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:

'Because that's all the ammunition we had !!'

LOL, read this [url=http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/978242424.html]Best of Craigslist. Classic.[/url]

The limo that will transport Barack Obama to his inauguration has been transformed by the team from MTV’s Pimp My Ride. The Presidential car, a Cadillac limousine, now has blue fluorescent lights under the chassis, flared wheel arches and go-faster giant flames painted all over the bodywork.

‘The brief for the MTV team was to create a wagon that will allow a modern President to really connect with the public, particularly young people,’ said Pimp My Ride presenter Xzibit. The Presidential limousine also has 19 inch chrome alloy wheels complete with spinners, voice activated sound and vision system, and an in-built laser show that projects the President’s image onto anything within 10 feet of the vehicle. The car has also been turned into a low rider with adjustable suspension.

It is thought that Obama will have the car on three wheels for tomorrow’s inauguration. When he exits the vehicle, he will stand in front of it for one minute whilst it bounces up and down in time to the movement of his hands. It is also rumoured that the car has a hot tub hidden in the boot but this is thought to be for private moments with the First Lady only.

The new Presidential limo got a mixed reaction from a group of young people invited to the launch; ‘I think this is great; W was so boring but Obama is already showing that he is gonna be one cool President,’ said 14 year old Casey Wojzkinski. Another onlooker however was not so happy, 15 year old Josh Wenner commented, ‘Blue neon tubes? What a loser, they are soooo last decade.’ But Obama was upbeat about the new limo, ‘What we have done, on this day, to this car, represents the change that is going to come to America. To those who said we could not Pimp the President’s Ride, I say – yes we can.’

Meanwhile Xzibit hinted at another suprize to come for the next edition of ‘Pimp My Presidential Ride’. ‘You should see the new President’s private jet; Air Force One never had snakes and naked ladies painted all over the side before.’