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A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers."You all have obsessions" he said.
To the 1st mother, he said,"You're so obsessed with eating that you named your child Candy."
He turned to the 2nd Mother."You're so obsessed with money that you named your child Penny."
He turns to the 3rd Mother."You're so obsessed with alcohol that you named your child Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers,"Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror! LMAO
[QUOTE=Jethrow1; 1278236]I visited a friend in NYC once and he took me to a French restaurant for dinner.
We had 6 courses and when it came to the last course I said to the mait-are-dee I'm stuffed.
But he and my friend insisted that I try the house specialty.
So out comes this cute little gal with a bowl of peaches, she sits on the edge of a chair and the the maitradee forks a peach slice then lifts the skirt of this gal and swabs it around in her pussy then places it on my plate.
Outraged I said "do you expect me to eat that peach"
The maitradee says no missur you eat the Pussay[/QUOTE]Bravo. This is great, thanks.
A girl was a prostitute and didn't want her grandma to know. One day there was a raid at a hotel and she was involed along with 10 other girls. The police lined them up outside before taking them to jail. While outside her grandma rode by and saw her so she stopped. She asked the girl," why are she standing in the line", not wanting her gandma to know what was going on she replied,"The police are passing out free oranges so I got in line to get some." The grandma said "oh how nice of them!" and went to the end of the line. The police officer was going down the line getting the girls info. So when he got to the grandma he was schocked and said,"Still at it at your age, how do you do it?" The grandma replied,"Oh it's easy dear, I just take my dentures out and suck them dry!"
What is better than a 10?
A 7 that swallows!
Laharvardkid
[QUOTE=Mystical0945;1278562]You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror! LMAO[/QUOTE]Better yet, you know you are really drunk if you are at a party and someone pisses you off, so you piss them off. Literally.
[QUOTE=Laharvardkid; 1278745]What is better than a 10?
A 7 that swallows!
Laharvardkid[/QUOTE]Awesome! Who care's if she spits or swallows, so long as she gets the job done! RT? Lmao
In Too Far:
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said,"and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,"There's nothing I can do. He's in too far!"
Pickled Penis:
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
A man is at a junk shop and happens to find a really old, tarnished lamp in the back. Just out of curiosity, he rubs the lamp and low and behold, out pops a Genie! The Genie says to him: "You have three wishes my master". The guy thinks for a second and finally he figures out what he's always wanted the most. He says back to the Genie: "I want to be rock hard, I want to be as cold as ice and lastly, I want to get plenty of ass, all the time.".
The Genie says back: "Your wish is my command" and *poof. Turns the man into a toilet.
You,
Girls are absolutely cracking me up. Keep up the good work.
Marc
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says,"In America, we call this a hug". She replies,"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says,"In America, we call this a kiss". She replies,"Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says,"In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says,"Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed,"Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied,"Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained,"Well. OK. The mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said,"Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection will protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love!
22. Prevent parenthood! Cover your manhood!
23. If you find her online, dress him up every time.
24. To prevent a real stanker, be sure to wrap your wanker.
25. Dress to impress! Contain your mess!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says,"Hello, master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking,"Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says,"I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife,"Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,"But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says,"Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon & why don't I have any milk in my cereal.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, You going to tell him or should I!
Little girl calls up a bar: "Is my pappy there?"
Barkeep: "Ain't no one here but one drunken bum."
Little girl: "That's my pappy!"
This swingers' club was mentioned earlier this week. It just so happens that I got an invitation tonight to go check out the new Tastebuds. It's located on Hwy 192, close to the intersection of Hwy 27. They were offering free admission (my favorite words) all this week to get people to check out their new spot.
I must say I was quite impressed with the bar set up. The club had great flow, was clean, good club music and the lighting was nothing short of spectacular. There were couches all around and a stripper pole that received some action.
I'm disappointed to say that the stripper pole received the only real action I saw during the evening. There were some hot women in there and a few were showing some mild debachery. I certainly saw some very nice untethered tatas in there. It wasn't quite like the anything goes of the old Tastebuds on the Trail and Sand Lake Road. Keep in mind that this is NOT pay for play and is strictly a swinger's club. Therefore, giving out the general location is cool since there's no illegal activity going on at the place.
The crowd was pretty light with only about 40 people in the club. Hopefully, word will spread and the place will see more and better business, I certainly hope so. I was impressed with the bar enough to hope that things work out well.
Something happened later on in my evening that I will report about tomorrow. Right now, it's light's out for me.
The jokes are refreshing, nice to crack a smile if even for a short time. They are all good and provide a nice interlude but I have to say Mystical0945 takes the gold cup with her comic additions. I agree, keep the lighthearted fare coming ladies.
Cheers
[QUOTE=Scarvnl; 1276942][url]http://orlando.backpage.com/FemaleEscorts/lookin-for-you-22/5155408[/url]
Any info on this cutie? Haven't seen her anywhere before and don't want to make a "rookie" mistake.[/QUOTE]If you right click on the pic and act like you're going to save it, you'll see the file name. In this pic I noticed "leanne" and she calls herself "Bella." You could also google her ph number and see how many posts she put up and compare the cities and the dates posted, some of these scammers are sloppy. Not exactly the best way to verify, but it helps. Good luck! Let me know what you find.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO
Love it but it belongs in the jokes forum.
[url]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories[/url]
[QUOTE=Mystical0945; 1279849]The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Mystical0945; 1279849]The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO[/QUOTE]Ashley,
No offence taken and damn proud to wear the suit and I'm always a Southern Gentleman.
According to Jersey you have pretty much describe me to a tee (but she is a Yankee) and yes if they would turn me loose I would love to Git Er Done.
Marc
[QUOTE=Mystical0945; 1279849]The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO[/QUOTE]Funny as hell!
[QUOTE=Marc70; 1279988]Ashley,
No offence taken and damn proud to wear the suit and I'm always a Southern Gentleman.
According to Jersey you have pretty much describe me to a tee (but she is a Yankee) and yes if they would turn me loose I would love to Git Er Done.
Marc[/QUOTE]There ya go! I think if Uncle Sam put a bunch of us redneck gator / squirrel hunters in Afganistan, the problem would be solved in a week. Pay us a bounty like the DNR used to on coyotes and we'd be in business. Just outfit my squirrel rifle with a night scope and I'm ready to go. Just drop about 50 of us is the mountains with some cans of spam and beef jerky.
WOF.
Speaking as a native-born Yankee, I could not agree with you two gents any further! The REAL patriots of our great country have ALWAYS come from the South; ALWAYS!
I salute you guys! (And your fathers, grandfathers and sons.)
SO-8.
[QUOTE=Worldsoffun; 1280342]There ya go! I think if Uncle Sam put a bunch of us redneck gator / squirrel hunters in Afganistan, the problem would be solved in a week. Pay us a bounty like the DNR used to on coyotes and we'd be in business. Just outfit my squirrel rifle with a night scope and I'm ready to go. Just drop about 50 of us is the mountains with some cans of spam and beef jerky.
WOF.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Mystical0945; 1279849]The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (US Redneck Special Forces) These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists. 1) The season opened today. 2) There is no limit. 3) They taste just like chicken. 4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.
I truely hope this doesn't offend anyone, that is not my intention. I thought it to be Humorous and wanted to share. XOXOXOXOOXXO[/QUOTE]To quote zombieland "thank god for rednecks."
[url]http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/3/23/129138463898059486.jpg[/url]
I do believe there is a Jokes and Humorous stories thread here on USA. Why not leave this thread for what it is intended and post all your jokes and cleverness over there?
Okay here we go off to yet another blah, blah blah session. The joking around was started by me for the simple fact that there was just too much back bitting, name calling and just plain ass childish bullshit that was going on here. I love this forum and have made several wonderful friends both male and female from here. But when things start to go south and I start getting the feeling like I want to do the same thing I said what the hell maybe we as the loving community that we are should lighten things up a bit. So the humor started rolling. My Goddess I would much rather laugh then be pissed off. I would much rather read something that brings a smile to my face as well as my heart then read about Joe Blow calling Tom, Dick and Harry names. I loved it when everyone started adding there humor as well. So bring on the smiles good people BRING THEM ON!
Or are we not to make you smile out of the bedrooms?
XOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOOX
[QUOTE=Sillyolman;1280441]I do believe there is a Jokes and Humorous stories thread here on USA. Why not leave this thread for what it is intended and post all your jokes and cleverness over there?[/QUOTE]
There is indeed a jokes and humorous stories thread right here on USA. I've posted about it before at least two times. The problem is that it isn't listed with the rest of the threads here for the Orlando forum. You have to click out of here and go to the main front page to get to it.
If Jackson wants to put this thread in our forum, that would be cool. If someone wants to start a new jokes thread in the Orlando forum, Jackson will tell us to go to the thread that already exists in the main board's page.
General Discussion is a great place to put these jokes. I'm all for it and love Ashley's attitude towards it.
I'm better from surgery! Still a bit tender but much better. So I'm now taking. Some calls. Mostly regulars.
Gosh, are you guys so grumpy that you can't enjoy the humor Ashley has brought to the board.
Ashley, keep up the good work. We are a pretty tight knit group and it is obvious the the majority of the board enjoys yours and others jokes. If Jackson were to start a jokes thread that would be great too but I really don't see the need.
If the Grumpy Old Men don't like the jokes all they have to do is keep scrolling.
Keep up the good work Ash,
Marc70
[QUOTE=Mystical0945; 1280494]Okay here we go off to yet another blah, blah blah session. The joking around was started by me for the simple fact that there was just too much back bitting, name calling and just plain ass childish bullshit that was going on here. I love this forum and have made several wonderful friends both male and female from here. But when things start to go south and I start getting the feeling like I want to do the same thing I said what the hell maybe we as the loving community that we are should lighten things up a bit. So the humor started rolling. My Goddess I would much rather laugh then be pissed off. I would much rather read something that brings a smile to my face as well as my heart then read about Joe Blow calling Tom, Dick and Harry names. I loved it when everyone started adding there humor as well. So bring on the smiles good people BRING THEM ON!
Or are we not to make you smile out of the bedrooms?
XOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOOX[/QUOTE]I personnally like the jokes and look forward to seeing them everyday no matter what thread they are on. So keep up the good work beautiful!
JADA69
A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy. So happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said,"I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed,"On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
Husband goes home and walks in on his wife packing her suitcase. He asks her "where are you going"? She replies "I'm going to Las Vegas. I hear guys pay $200 for blowjobs in Las Vegas and why should I do for you for free what I can get paid $200 for in Vegas"? He digests that and heads upstairs.
Soon husband returns with his suitcase packed. Wife asks,"where are you going"? He replies "I'm going to Las Vegas too". She asks why. He says " I want to see you live on $400 a year." rimshot drum.
Thanks all for all the great info.
[QUOTE=Austins66; 1281206]A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy. So happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said,"I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed,"On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."[/QUOTE]LMAO! Love it!
Ashley Z
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,"What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma."I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered."But you're so old. How do you do it?"
Grandma replied,"Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck 'them dry!"
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y_-vsHvPBE&feature=youtu.be[/url]
Things are not always what they seem.
[QUOTE=Marc70; 1281137]Gosh, are you guys so grumpy that you can't enjoy the humor Ashley has brought to the board.
Ashley, keep up the good work. We are a pretty tight knit group and it is obvious the the majority of the board enjoys yours and others jokes. If Jackson were to start a jokes thread that would be great too but I really don't see the need.
If the Grumpy Old Men don't like the jokes all they have to do is keep scrolling.
Keep up the good work Ash,
Marc70[/QUOTE]I'm an old grumpy man but I loves jokes!
M-45