Jokes & Humorous Stories

This isn't about mongering but it is hillarious nontheless...
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhIpkynTmqY[/url]

Hope you enjoy..

I don't recall seeing this show up here, but don't we all wish we had [url=http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-09.html]a girlfriend[/url] like this?

Now [url=http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-08.html]this guy[/url] really needs to take up mongering. He obviously doesn't have a girl friend like the one above.

Gee I LOVE the Darwin Awards.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and
even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

How a NASCAR victory should be celebrated for that matter televised also!

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=1918NASCAR_Victory.mpeg[/url]

"Late again," the
third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault
this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy
sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had
taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her
mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by
that.

Full of grins and mischief,
and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble
were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss
Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed
Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a
noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and
said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a
gonna git him!''

"Stay back, he
whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a
jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he
crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck
that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of
the coop."

"As he stared into the
darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke,
had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck
his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all
been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin'

How a Real Man Takes Off His Underwear. Some people are nuts what do they think?




[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear.wmv[/url]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around
with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become a
Congressman.

Down from the AP, apparently this is why Barkley was speeding.

Monger on Barkley!

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that damn party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

This is pretty funny, but the comments at the bottom are hilarious!

Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy:

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, gastroenteritis, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17, 000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND! "

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep, ' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes. And here I am being kind. Like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result. ' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy? ' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than. When you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17, 000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something; up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up? ' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha, ' I said And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine, ' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excell ent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

The subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet? "

3. "Can you hear me NOW? "

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? "

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. "

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? "

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. "

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! "

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. "

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? "

And the best one of all.

12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? "

Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration?

Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so.

Bottom line . . we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember. Ready?

It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO "LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL". HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT.......HUH? AND NOW
IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS 'NECESSARY' DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES & APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES & LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Ah yes, good 'ole bureaucracy. And now we are going to turn the Banking System over to them?.............."God Help us!!"

This is an actual barbershop in Poland .
They say women are not smarter than men?
Yeah, right... this is get ritch quick IMHO

Be honest:
If this barbershop was in your community
How many haircuts would you get a month?!

Wrap-up 2008 by Uncle Jay.

Pretty good

[url]http://www.unclejayexplains.com/media/UJ%2012-22-08.wmv[/url]

Three reasons to live in a warm climate, first One then the other two!