Jokes & Humorous Stories

DEAR SANTA,

YOU MUST BE SURPRISE THAT I'M WRITING TO YOU TODAY, THE 26th OF DECEMBER.
WELL,I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CLEAR UP CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAVE OCCURRED
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH, WHEN, FILLED WITH ILLUSION, I WROTE YOU
MY LETTER. I ASKED FOR A BICYCLE, AN ELECTRIC TRAIN SET, A PAIR OF ROLLER
BLADES, AND A FOOTBALL UNIFORM. I DESTROY MY BRAIN STUDYING THE WHOLE
YEAR. NOT ONLY WAS I THE FIRST IN MY CLASS, BUT I HAD THE BEST GRADES IN
THE WHOLE SCHOOL . I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY
ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT BEHAVED BETTER THAN ME,WITH MY PARENTS, MY
BROTHERS, MY FRIENDS, AND WITH MY NEIGHBORS. I WOULD GO ON ERRANDS, AND
EVEN HELP THE ELDERLY CROSS THE STREET. THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NOTHING WITHIN
REACH THAT I WOULD NOT DO FOR HUMANITY. WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A
FUCKING YOYO, A LAME WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF UGLY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE
YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE
FUCKING YEAR TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. AS IF
YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE GUIFF ACROSS THE STREET
SO MANY TOYS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE. DON'T LET ME SEE YOU
TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASSS DOWN THE CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR. I'LL FUCK YOU
UP. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID REINDEER AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO
YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE. JUST LIKE WHAT I HAVE
TO DO NOW SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE. FUCK YOU SANTA. NEXT
YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN BE, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER.

SINCERELY,

LITTLE JOHNNY

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your Damn bills!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so,

I took her to a gas station.....

And that's how the fight started....

*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream. . .

And that's how the fight started.

**********************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my

Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Securi ty office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too' . . . .

And that's how the fight started.....

**********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

**********************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

**********************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud,
you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'.... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Frankie booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said , "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers! '

True stories of people who have killed themselves in really stupid ways hopefully before they have really stupid kids.

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,'
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it
collapsed, he was buried beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns
and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP (he did not kill himself)
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM . Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt
to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems
to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S--t happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL!!!

Microsoft launches Concentration Breaker 3.0

Microsoft has proudly announced a raft of new ways to frustrate users and lower productivity with its new version of its celebrated Concentration Breaker software.

The company’s stated aim was to build upon the success of previous productivity blockers, such as the Pop Up cartoon paperclip, the upgrade warnings and the indecipherable error messages. But ‘Concentration Breaker’ was not succeeding in completely stopping people from working, explained Bill Gates. ‘These individual distractions are annoying, but they’re not the holistic, end to end, integrated distraction we believe is possible’ he said.

With Concentration Breaker 3.0 Microsoft has dreamed up a imaginative range of ways to stop you remaining focussed. The layout of your favourite application is automatically shuffled every time you switch on your computer, and the shortcuts alter even during the time you are using a given programme. The ‘Are you sure’ feature, traditionally one of the strongest areas for inducing frustration, has been greatly enhanced; now the user is asked twenty-one questions before he can send a single document to the printer. These include ‘What is the cube root of 512?’ and ‘What is the capital of Chad?’

The language software is now programmed to recognize definitive statements as they are typed into Word or emails, at which point an electronic voice will say ‘Rubbish’, ‘Not true’ or ‘You’re a big fat liar’. And best of all, in place of a paperclip or a little animated dog, the image of an ugly and aggressive man pops up at random moments and makes obscene gestures at you from the screen.

Unfortunately the official launch of Concentration Breaker 3.0 was cut short when the computer froze and all the work done that morning was permanently lost. At which point the assembled reporters realized that this too was part of the software’s work-preventing design and spontaneous applause broke out across the hall. The programme is expected to get rave reviews once the journalists have worked out which laptop keys now correspond to which letters.

Shrek, Beyonce and Denzel Washington were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?

Beyonce agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes
I wonder.'

Denzel Washington said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the strongest, Beyonce was the most gorgeous and
Denzel Washington was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day
for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Beyonce perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the
most gorgeous woman alive.'

But Denzel Washington lifted his sad, handsome face and said.......
Who the hell is CookyJar ...????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that's right!!!

Seasons Greeting

CookyJar

be careful shopping at Home Depot during the holidays
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy halters. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. Also December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for $1.99 each.

[QUOTE=A John]DEAR SANTA,

YOU MUST BE SURPRISE THAT I'M WRITING TO YOU TODAY, THE 26th OF DECEMBER.
WELL,I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CLEAR UP CERTAIN THINGS THAT HAVE OCCURRED
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH, WHEN, FILLED WITH ILLUSION, I WROTE YOU
MY LETTER. I ASKED FOR A BICYCLE, AN ELECTRIC TRAIN SET, A PAIR OF ROLLER
BLADES, AND A FOOTBALL UNIFORM. I DESTROY MY BRAIN STUDYING THE WHOLE
YEAR. NOT ONLY WAS I THE FIRST IN MY CLASS, BUT I HAD THE BEST GRADES IN
THE WHOLE SCHOOL . I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY
ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT BEHAVED BETTER THAN ME,WITH MY PARENTS, MY
BROTHERS, MY FRIENDS, AND WITH MY NEIGHBORS. I WOULD GO ON ERRANDS, AND
EVEN HELP THE ELDERLY CROSS THE STREET. THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NOTHING WITHIN
REACH THAT I WOULD NOT DO FOR HUMANITY. WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A
FUCKING YOYO, A LAME WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF UGLY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCK WERE
YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE
FUCKING YEAR TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. AS IF
YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE GUIFF ACROSS THE STREET
SO MANY TOYS THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE. DON'T LET ME SEE YOU
TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASSS DOWN THE CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR. I'LL FUCK YOU
UP. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID REINDEER AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO
YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE. JUST LIKE WHAT I HAVE
TO DO NOW SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE. FUCK YOU SANTA. NEXT
YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN BE, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER.



SINCERELY,

LITTLE JOHNNY[/QUOTE]



Dear Little Johnny,

I was a surprised also to get your letter. I read everything you said. However, I think it is necessary to clear things up a bit. I also get letters from many others and I have some facts to give you.
Yes, you got all A’s in your classes but it wasn’t from studying. It was because you are the biggest cheater in the school. Little Billy wrote me and told me you told him if he didn’t give you all the answers to your tests you would steal his lunch money. In fact you did 3 times you little thief. You also told me about your neighborhood. You should know the neighborhood as you got caught soaping all the neighbors windows. Oh, and that little old lady you helped across the street is true…..but it was more like pushing her wheelchair into the street and she almost got hit by 3 cars.
You are the worst kid I see all Christmas eve. This year I am giving my Reindeer olive oil about a mile before I get to your house and they are going to crap all over your roof.
It also occurred to me that you use the F-word very often. In fact, Marylou wrote to me and told me you could not stop lifting her dress in school you little pervert.
I would clean up your act you little shithead….


Santa

Photocopier Fun


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afBWfcFX9Kc&feature=related[/url]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

Urban Dictionary is the slang dictionary you wrote.

vegetarian

A bad hunter. Someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff that food eats.

The vegetarian was forced to subsist on slower prey, such as the broccoli and carrot.

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'