My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"
I said, " Nothin' "
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
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My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"
I said, " Nothin' "
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
Most Unfortunate Name Poll
What were their parents thinking?
Sometimes a name can mean a little more than the sum of its parts. With that in mind, we are proud to present to you the top 30 most unfortunate name combinations we could find. If you don't believe these are for real, jump over to a search engine and see for yourself (just be careful - depending on how you search, the results may not be safe for work in some instances).
Think of this as a list of what not to name your baby.
Help us find the top name by voting! You'll be able to see the overall results once you have made your selection.
Dick Rash
Mike Hunt
Phuc Yu
Harry Dick
Jack Imhoff
Yu Suk
Dick Hurtz
Buster Cherry
Ben Dover
Adam Hoare
Harry Butz
Dick Butkus
Mike Rotch
Richard Head
Ima Hogg
Joe King
Wayne Kerr
Dick Pound
Anitta Johnson
Ivan Odor
Hugh Jassman
Dwayne Pipe
Paige Turner
Alex Cox
Helen Back
Candy Kane
Gene Pool
Nikki Knuckles
Robyn Banks
Sandy Beach
[url]http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/mediadetails.php?key=c9fbda33390214f0dfea&title=Getting+Nasty[/url]
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he=2 0follows them
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Ex cuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Belief
When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening.
Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
Top ten actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email]eatonsht@dku.edu[/email]
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email]dickinme@iup.edu[/email]
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email]kissinfk@lvu.edu[/email]
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email]aspicker@pu.edu[/email]
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email]ibballin@bsu.edu[/email]
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) - [email]btkisser@bendover.com[/email]
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - [email]ihadcock@tru.com[/email]
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - [email]cumminme@fu.edu[/email]
2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email]blowmegd@dropdrawers.com[/email]
but at No 1, it had to be...
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email]beeranbj@myplace.com[/email]
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came by slowly. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession had passed. Of course, by then, the deer was long gone. The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsman like act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world! " The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."
Christmas Balloon Dance
Merry Christmas
[url]http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/christmas_balloons.shtml[/url]
Children were left devastated today at the news that failed Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had shot and killed Santa’s chief reindeer, Rudolph. Dancer and Vixen were also injured in the incident yesterday evening as Santa and his team flew over Alaska on their return from a pre-Christmas practice run.
The Palins were apparently enjoying a ramble through the Alaskan wilderness in search of oil and natural gas reserves when they were frightened by a sudden noise overhead. ‘We heard bells jingling and a clatter of hooves, and whatever it was left a twinkly vapour trail behind it,’ said Sarah Palin today. ‘We assumed it was a UFO as they’re pretty common round these parts, so naturally me and the kids unloaded our shotguns into the sky. I couldn’t believe it when three reindeer fell to the ground. My previous biggest kill was a moose.’
There are now real concerns that Santa’s depleted team will not be able to make their deliveries and children everywhere will awake on Christmas Day to empty stockings. Santa was unavailable for comment today and was last seen circling anticlockwise over Anchorage following the loss of his lead right reindeer.
Palin refused to accept any criticism for the death of the famous red-nosed reindeer, explaining that hunting was a way of life for many Americans in remote states like Alaska. ‘Actually the red nose gave us something to aim at. Of course I recognise that this year’s festive season might be a little different now – we have got one hell of a lot of venison for this year’s Christmas dinner.’
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths ', I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr . Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive'
Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson, Corvallis , OR
5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, e ntered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff=2 0noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'
It's never too early for a good Christmas Cookie recipe. Just had to share this wonderful recipe.
Christmas Cookies
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try
another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and
add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging
fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the dried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check
for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something . Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Don't
forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MIXTMAS
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to
see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
This becomes effective January 1, 2009 in ALL states.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much
as 45%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. '
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like? '
The old timer says. 'Doesn't matter.-- let's look for yours. '
Most of us old timers are helpful like that.
This is totally outrageously wonderful.
Enjoy:
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRfvSOuwM_4&feature=related[/url]