[url]http://www.hogrockcafe.com/male_therapy.htm[/url]
Printable View
[url]http://www.hogrockcafe.com/male_therapy.htm[/url]
The geography of a woman (by ron unsworth)
**The Geography Of A Woman
· Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
· Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
· Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
· Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
· Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
· Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
· Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
· After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
**The Geography Of A Man
· Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
I said:.......................................................
True tech support call
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it. "At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Twas The Night Before Christmas, He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About, A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents, Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle, Just Boots Filled With Sand,
On The Wall Hung Pictures Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges, Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sober Thought Came Through My Mind.
For This House Was Different, It Was Dark And Dreary,
I Found The Home Of A Soldier, Once I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping, Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle, The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho, The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World, The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers, Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened And I Heard A Rough Voice,
'santa Don't Cry, This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom, I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God, My Country, My Corps.'
The Soldier Rolled Over And Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It, I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours, So Silent And Still
And We Both Shivered From The Cold Night's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over, With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, 'carry On Santa, It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure.'
One Look At My Watch, And I Knew He Was Right.
'merry Christmas My Friend,! And To All A Good Night.'
deer santa:
I wood like a kool toy space rainjur four Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yor Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play Station, a train, some Play Station games, a dog,
a drum set, a pony and a bike.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I'm giving you a doll instead
because I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the tight asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table.
Santa P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, and do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'll be
skipping your house this year.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please please please
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Jim had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He might see the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Bill, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..'
'Great', says Jim, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.'
As Bill is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.
'Not a problem' says Jim. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Jim, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
If you haven't seen this you really must - just watch the video - It is just too funny for words!
[url]http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/videoPage.aspx[/url]
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to
see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from
which to begin the session said, "Tell me about something the
two of you have in common."
The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dick."
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such agood man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hangout with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah,that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said,'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you havesome major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
\
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. He trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it is winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK! "
An elderly gentleman.
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. '
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times! '
_____________________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel? '
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby. '
'Really! Like a newborn baby! '
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. '
_______________________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. '
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant? '
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know. The one that's red and has thorns. ' 'Do you mean a rose? '
'Yes, that's the one, ' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? '
_____________________________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit case at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know, ' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. '
_________________________________________________________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen? ' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? '
'Sure. '
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? ' she asks.
'No, I can remember it. '
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it? '
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget tha t, write it down? ' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake! '
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast? '
__________________________________________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married? '
'Yep! '
'Do I know her? '
'Nope! '
'This woman, is she good looking? '
'Not really. '
'Is she a good cook? '
'Naw, she can't cook too well. '
'Does she have lots of money? '
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse. '
'Well, then, is she good in bed? '
'I don't know. '
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then? '
'Because she can still drive! '
_______________________________________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it? '
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday! '
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer. '
__________________________________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect. '
' Really, ' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it? '
'Twelve thirty. '
____________________________________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you? '
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. ''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; Be careful. '
______________________________________________________________________
One more. !
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts? '
'No, ' he replied, 'arthritis. '
________________________________________________________________
Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!
[url]http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212[/url]
[b]Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes[/b]
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.