Jokes & Humorous Stories

Bubba had shingles

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles. ' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles. ' The doctor asked, 'Where? ' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'them?"

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty -five miles to school every morning

. Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay

A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something,

We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

Then we had to hand write all the notes!



There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!


We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolut ion 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders, Frogger' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guid e to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

===================================

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," Steve replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

Steve then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I
rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have
ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a
sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And she asked seductively if
I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Steve
asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate for a dumb
ass like you."

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood
before the congregation and asked for a raise. After
much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the
church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor
rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from
God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire
congregation said,'Amen.'

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took
45 minutes to restore order in the classroom ..........

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays,

I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.
Her's is in California

and mine is in Washington DC

I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".

So I bought her an electric chair .

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;

she told me "In the lake"

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
"Am I too late for the garbage?" .....

The driver said "No, jump in!"

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it......... this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start
with a four letter word....... just clean and simple fun!!

Sleigh Bail-Out (Violent Night Studios 2008) Seasonal documentary in the Ken Burns tradition. A visibly thinner and humbler Santa Clause makes the long trek to Washington DC, in hopes of being awarded untold billions to continue sliding down the floos. As Santa puts forth his pitiful plea, there are audible sobs in Congress as he describes how his sleigh needs retooling, his elves have shriveled in size, and the reindeer have resorted to cannibalism. Santa also laments that if he cannot deliver toys, the only thing Americans can play with would be their own genitalia. In an obvious ploy for sympathy, this enchanting film ends with lingering close-ups of leathery corpses under the Christmas tree. Bonus scene: there is a short appearance by O. J. Simpson stealing childrens' toy footballs.

•The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.

•The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

•The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

•The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided
to wash their hands of the whole thing.

•The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

•The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

•The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

•In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ass holes in Washington.

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.






Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:






[url]http://vili.us/hypno.html[/url]

The patriot micro chip is intended to be implanted in terrorists.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.



Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

U. S. M. C.

RULES FOR A GUN FIGHT

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap. Life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap. Funerals are expensive

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire! " Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will. And who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder, " "Glock" or "Winchester? "

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy. "

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)

19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.

22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.

23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".

25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket. " At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.

26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.

27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperatire.

28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney. "

Finally, Gunny's Rules For Un-armed Combat.

1: Never be unarmed.

Cripes, Even GWB can't get it right!

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO!?



WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!!!