Jokes & Humorous Stories

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.' The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

[QUOTE=Wallie]Doesn't mean we have to like it, but, I'm sure Socialism will work [i]this[/i] time. lol[/QUOTE]


Look on the bright side; four years from now, everyone will forget about how bad they thought Bush was.

[QUOTE=Gdlint][url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYZDDSTsomE&feature=related[/url][/QUOTE]Thats great! That's the funniest thing on you tube.

Thanks for posting this.

[QUOTE=Glenn61]This guy shoves paint up his ass and craps out a master piece onto an easel.......:eek: [/QUOTE]
I am so NOT clicking on that!

Here, however, is something at least as bizarre, but not as repulsive... IMO. Isabella Rosselini acts out snail sex:

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BckqviVaWl0[/url]

Healthy diet

"What is a healthy diet?" Asked a woman to a Doctor.

The wise doctor replied, "A penis is the greatest breakfast because it has a Mushroom head, a hot dog, two eggs and a cream which provides all the nutrients to make you healthy."

Of course he can afford the sessions.

[QUOTE=Glenn61]Ya know,,,just when you start to think you've seen everything , along come a freak to top them all.
Check out this b1tch, she can pop her ass out like the fvckin creature in Alien, the movie.......:eek:

Click the link......

[url]http://video.stripclublist.com/video/scl61114g[/url][/QUOTE]


Thanks Glen, I ate too much watching football today, thanks to that pic my stomach is now empty from vomiting.

This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.
The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.

Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick. He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.

The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Christmas Day Morning, As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards,neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts,and A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turke Y Guts Into His Shorts

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good.

About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His
Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.

He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.

'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.

'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.
But By The Grace Of God,withsome Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.'

[QUOTE=Ri Designer]Thanks Glen, I ate too much watching football today, thanks to that pic my stomach is now empty from vomiting.[/QUOTE]

I guess I had too many beers watching the games last night. I just looked at this again and realized it was good old PZ!!!!

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads

for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,

but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says,

'You're knot hard, you're knot in,

and you're knot getting your money back.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's
attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabul
ary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
....."I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

[QUOTE=A John]In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.[/QUOTE]

:) I laughed my head off John, but won't this JOKE cause another rabid response from the victocrats?

Here we go again....

[QUOTE=Quality Junk]:) I laughed my head off John, but won't this JOKE cause another rabid response from the victocrats? Here we go again....[/QUOTE]
Funny, most of those trailer park chase scenes look pretty white to me. I'm just saying.

An elderly couple are at church.........

About halfway through the church service,

she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says: "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!!!"