Jokes & Humorous Stories

A high school class was discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The teacher and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant on, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section? "

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.


Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.


The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.


There's an annual salary of $67,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'


'Oh, is that where the job is?'


'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Damn it,Take your thumb off the end!!"

1. I’m Already Against the Next War
2. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your Penis
3. America: One Nation Under Surveillance
4. Of Course It Hurts, You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant
5. Evolution Is Just a Theory . . . Kind of Like Gravity
6. May the Fetus You Save Be Gay

[QUOTE=Clinton Bush]1. I’m Already Against the Next War
2. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your Penis
3. America: One Nation Under Surveillance
4. Of Course It Hurts, You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant
5. Evolution Is Just a Theory . . . Kind of Like Gravity
6. May the Fetus You Save Be Gay[/QUOTE]

Nuke Unborn
Gay Whales
For Jesus

The White House Press Office wish it to be known there is no truth to the rumor that the President inadvertently signed a proclamation containing a typographical error and declaring tomorrow "Erection Day". Which is more than they are willing to admit concerning the previous administration.

Like the movies

My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.

So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.

She got mad.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children? '

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it? ' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Beer vs. Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated That if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would Have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found In feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or whiskey, wine Or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of Boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop. Beer = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink beer and act stupid, than to drink water And be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a
Public service to the readers of this forum.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

" Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I? "

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that? "

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.

"The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. "

"Probably a good thing you did, " Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Deputy Sheriff. He
thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is
a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then
any cop from Wyoming . He decides to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and
registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair the deputy says. Please exit your vehicle, sir.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says,

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'



The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain ?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to 'bail us out'.

Thinking of buying new tires?

Some helpful information to make sure you're actually buying safe new tires.

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.

He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied.

'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!

That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin' blanket".

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
*** ***

The Three Little Pigs

Went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little Piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..

The drinks Were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I Want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like The salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..

The meals Were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and Asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a Banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a Cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of Beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for Asking,' said the waiter to the third little Piggy,'
'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy Says -

Well, somebody has To go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!