I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.
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I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.
[url]http://www.tv.com/video/15055/dances-with-wolves?o=tv&tag=show_summary;video;[/url]
Ol' Capt. Kirk still rocks
[QUOTE=Gdlint]I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.[/QUOTE]LOL!! Now that's funny !! I don't care who you are! But, what do they expect a man to say?
Softcore Publishers Galaxy are launching a new speciality magazine featuring explicit private photos sent in by Prime Ministers and Presidents from around the world. ‘Leaders Wives’ magazine will not reveal the identity of the various first ladies from around the globe, although according to the magazine’s editor ‘part of the fun will be guessing’.
Edition One features ‘a lovely English lass’ and ‘A Gorgeous Gallic Gal’ pictured together exchanging what is euphemistically entitled ‘an intimate exchange on the challenges of being in the public eye.’
The idea has been under consideration for some time said editor Jonny Barfield; ‘We did publish a pilot edition of ‘Leaders Wives’ back in the early 1990s but had to pulp thousands of copies containing explicit pics of Norma Major and Barbara Bush.’ But with politician’s partners becoming more and more attractive, the hope is that ‘Leaders Wives’ magazine will combine a growing interest in global political issues with the ever popular topic of soft core pornography.
There will also be fantasy letters from leading politicians, under headings such as ‘Massive Election‘ and ‘I screwed the voters’ and if in 2012 Hilary Clinton wins the US Presidency, the magazine also promises an explicit new feature entitled ‘One for the ladies’ says Barfield. ‘Although most of the women in Washington DC will have seen that already, at one time or another.’
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of His altar boys, Little Johnny. The first day Little Johnny paints the Entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets It finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5. Little Johnny looks at the money and says to the priest, 'Thanks very Much Father, . You're a virgin. '
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day Little Johnny has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and He just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks At the job and this time gives Little Johnny another $5 bill. Once again Little Johnny looks at the money and says, 'Thanks very much Father, you Really are a virgin. '
At this stage the priest decides to take action. 'Little Johnny, ' he Says, 'that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what The word means? '
'Yes, ' says Little Johnny, 'it means a tight ****!
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with t he Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-e ntered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Kermit the Frog reacts to "2 girls one cup"
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOn1htjSZic[/url]
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed...
And just like that... her ears fell off..
$7 SEX
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139 .
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
I think Stewy Griffin is right...I may never be able to eat chocolate ice cream again...lol
Misfit
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I
saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The
biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because
he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the
table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the
best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him
square in the eyes and says Grandpa, Go home, you're DRUNK.
[QUOTE=A John]Kermit the Frog reacts to "2 girls one cup"
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOn1htjSZic[/url][/QUOTE]
I think the funniest part was reading this to the right of the video:
Girls Licking Girls
Compare Products, Prices & Stores. Girls Licking Girls At Low Prices.
shopping.yahoo.com
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!