Jokes & Humorous Stories

Police investigating spam emails which purport to offer ways to 'Legally Erase Your Credit Card Debt' have revealed that they are not actually a scam.

Concerns were raised after millions of the messages were sent out from email addresses in Nigeria.

There were fears that the spammers were staging a massive scam in an attempt to defraud unwitting internet users.

But now Scotland Yard has acted to reassure worried members of the public.

Detective Superintendent Graham Strange said: 'We looked at these emails very closely.

'A typical message might say something along the lines of: "Greetings brother. My name is Elijah Petit St Jacques Borea from Nigeria, and I am here to tell you how you can get rid of all your credit card debts completely legally my friend.

"The answer is simple: just agree with your bank that you will pay off £1000 per month and, in no time at all, I guarantee you will be free of your debts. Praise the Lord!" '

It was 'just a good piece of advice from someone with a sound grasp of financial good sense and a concern for others', said Supt Strange. 'They go on to point out that if you had enough savings, you could simply pay the whole amount owed off in one go,' he added. 'Other suggestions include thinking carefully about whether you can afford things before you actually buy them and making sure you pay off the balance each month to avoid interest charges.'

Profound Comments

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ''As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. ''

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all. The nurses run back into the room. ''What happened! ? '' they cried.

The husband said, ''I'm not sure. Maybe she choked''

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '?

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
ten days.


The following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Embarrassing Medical Exams 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! ' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs.- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths, ' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be, ' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart. '

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one? ' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it! ' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitt ed by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion, she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years.. When my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, ' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN, no name

And finally!

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener. '

Doctor wouldn't leave name

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on any thing. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

What a Hooters girl looks like later in life.

One evening, two frogs were hopping home, when all of a sudden it started raining really hard. They saw a lady standing alone at the bus stop. Frog #1 hopped into the skirt through the front and into her vagina, and frog #2 hopped into the asshole. Next morning, both frogs came out. Frog #1 asks frog #2, "hey, how was your night?". Frog #2 says "Great, it was nice and warm in there. How was yours?". Frog #1 says "Horrible. As soon as I got in, some bald bastard came in as well and kept trying to shake my hand. As I stood in the middle, he'd tried to grab me. So, I hopped to left and there he was again. I hopped to the right and he was there also. Finally, after struggling for about 30 mins, the bastard just spit on me and left".

A Lesson In Business Management

Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The bastard used coins!"

Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END


1. Left-click on the picture and drag in any direction; 2. Let go and prepare to be hypnotized.



[url]http://vili.us/hypno.html[/url]

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for chocolates returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first Forrest

(AP) -- A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.

Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put that name on the documents for the girl's birth certificate, ignoring the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had picked earlier.

"I don't think she believes me yet," he told the Kingsport Times-News for a story to be published Tuesday. "It's going to take some more convincing."

Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to "to get the word out" about the campaign.

"I took one for the cause," he said. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little."

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This new father's last name isn't even Palin. It's Ciptak. {Lol} Neither his surname or his wife's surname is on the baby's birth certificate! So funny. - Rosco