One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.
But this was a long time ago.............and it was just that one day.
The End
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One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.
But this was a long time ago.............and it was just that one day.
The End
[QUOTE=A John]Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit? . !![/QUOTE]
No, never heard that one but Confusious say, "Man who follows dog to closely usually ends up with his nose stuck deep in shit!"
Four years of Palin/McCain (intentional) will get us deeper in more shit than we already are in. NO WAY!
NC Hunter
According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
9,374 people are fucking right now,
2,130 are kissing.
234 are getting head,
and
1 lonely fucker is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' s he asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'
Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?
Orville and Steve are quietly sitting in a boat fishing
drinking beer when suddenly Steve says,
I think I'm gonna divorce my wife she ain't spoke to
me in over 2 months.
Orville sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...
women like that are hard to find"!
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'And what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed!!
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Country Chuckle
[url]http://videos.komando.com/2008/02/20/[/url]
Russia has condemned the left-wing and inherently ‘un-capitalist’ intervention of the American government in the free market after the state takeover of a number of US banks and mortgage companies.
‘It’s goddamn Communism, period!’ said a spokesman for the Kremlin. Once them politicians start trying to run the banks and markets, them no-good Commies will be taking over everything. Why do you think there are so many billionaires in Russia? Because of the very economic freedoms that the United Soviet States of America are trying to stop.’
However in Washington, the lurch to the left continued. Wearing a little furry hat and a lot of medals, Comrade George Bush waved rather feebly on the balcony of the Glorious People’s White House and later gave a seven hour speech demanding more state control of the financial markets and for his cabinet to have bushier eye-brows. ‘All power to the glorious Soviets!’ he declared ‘We will strengthen our base in Communist Cuba!’
However political analysts have said that it is over simplistic to describe the current situation as a straight forward reversal of the last Cold War. ‘I, mean it’s not as if America has invaded Afghanistan or anything. Oh, hang on…’
Two of the world’s largest and most respected financial institutions have been granted permission to switch their status from investment banks to super-casinos, offering customers the chance to put their savings into roulette, black jack and Texas Hold ‘em.
Investors at Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs will now have their pension funds and mortgages placed on a roulette table, and returns will be based on whether the ball lands on black or red. The move resulted in improved stability in the markets, as some investors saw a slight return on their investments, compared to the universal meltdown of the week before.
The status switch comes after a suprise ruling made yesterday by US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and will allow the two remaining major investment banks to diversify into a ‘wider risk portfolio’. Today in Wall Street, attractive girls dressed in skimpy clothing were outside the bank offering traders a free cocktail if they went inside to try their luck on the tables. Investors were also invited to dine at the banks, where later on they would be entertained by Neil Diamond. Small investors are being told to deposit their money in one of the machines in the entrance to the bank and then pull the lever on the right. The return on their investment now depends on the number of bells that line up in the display panel. As always, customers are reminded that investments may go down as well as up.
In Britain, the Chancellor followed suit by allowing the merger of Lloyd’s TSB and the Copper Cascade Amusement Arcade at Blackpool. The chairman of the bank Sir Giles Cruddock has swapped his City of London office for a little kiosk on the pier, where he now dispenses change and occasionally points at a sign saying that players must be over 16. ‘A lot of our capital is now tied up in two pence coins that look as if they are all about to tumble into the dispenser. We are saying to our customers at this worrying time, ‘keep putting more and more coins in the copper cascade, because you must be due a massive pay out any time now.’ Oi, don’t nudge the machine!’
The Speaking Clock
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new apartment.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you," said the man, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fu*king sake, you bastard, it's twenty to two in the fu*king morning!!"
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husban d to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife slid up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a li t tle bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet'.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
'Oh! God, I'm coming!
'... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.
The Nun fainted
Built this list during some down time. Hope you get a kick of it.
10. you have a TER and USASG account
09. you have a preferred411 and datecheck account
08. you answer by the name "baby"
08. you name your daughters something ending with a Y (ie. cindy, mandy, sunny, stacy)
07. you can speak a little korean, thai, chinese, or vietnamese
06. you have an unblocked cell phone number
05. you always leave your money in an unmarked envelope on a table
04. you always smell like you've just taken a shower
03. you call everyone twice
02. you leave your wallet in the car
01. you take ATM withdrawals in increments of 160(180 due to inflation)
[QUOTE=Glenn61]Copy this link in the text file below into your browser,,,the auto edit won't let it post here....[/QUOTE]Now that's some funny stuff.