Jokes & Humorous Stories

Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery:

Genetalial Pinocchiotomy

Expanding Drilling Operations in Your
Wildlife Preserve

Doubling the Interest Rate on Your Mutual Fun

Peter Padding

Plumping the Ball Park Frank

Expanding Your "Top 5" to a "Top 9"

Replacing Richard II with Richard III

Puffin' the Magic Dragon

Supersizing Big Mac

Adding a Wing to the Sexual Addiction Unit

Putting the Munchkin on Stilts

Trading in the Escort for a Stretch Limo

Getting a Magic Johnson

Preparing to Boldly Go Where No Manhood has
Gone Before

Turning Crouching Tiger into Hidden Dragon

Upgrading Passenger Johnson to First Class

Taking the Train from Vienna to Frankfurt

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
____________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
____________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a who** and a bit**?

A who** sleeps with everybody at the party; A bit**
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

____________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
____________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?

A mechanic .
____________________________________________

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat that last donut.

____________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.
____________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

"Are you in?"
____________________________________________

13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

"Honey, I'm home!"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a wh*re house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"

The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the wh*re house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.

The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the wh*re house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!"

The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

Rodney saved for years and years for his dream vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution was legal. However, since he worked for barely minimum wage, the years stretched into decades and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in Reno in front of a glitzy bordello. Rodney tottered up to the front desk.

"Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?" he asked.

"Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist. "How may I help you?"

"Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town lined up and waiting?" Rodney inquired. The receptionist nodded in the affirmative. "Well, I'm here to get some," Rodney said.

"How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm ninety-one."

"Ninety-one! Pops, you've had it."

"Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over the old man's face as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?"

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin'
like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy...go gitcha Momma."

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra .....

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.

I went to a female urologist for an exam. She was rather attractive, even in her doctor's coat. You could see she had nice perky ta-ta's. She said, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

I did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".

Next, the doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, I said, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

I said slowly, "One. . . two. . . three."

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. The man replied, "My wife found out!"

[QUOTE=Headfirst]

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. The man replied, "My wife found out!"[/QUOTE]


Oh , Man ... how could you butcher such a simple Joke ??

Here's the correct version =

[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=419386&postcount=26[/URL]

Q: Why do women have faces?

A: So you know which pussy is yours.

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debi or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debi came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debi, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said, "I feel like shit.

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decided to just kill herself
and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night,
Mildredwas admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Q. What's the difference between a [i]man[/i] and a government Bond ??

A. The Bond eventually matures


Q. What's the difference between a [i]woman[/i] and a government Bond ??

A. The Bond is [i]worth something[/i] when it matures

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited
she
gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a
while
he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar-A
saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend
looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of
Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He
puts
the salt on his tongue-salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys the
smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it
... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chkes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town
and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of
ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a
large green lump on his penis. The doctor does a thorough
exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks
through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious.
We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear?
You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout!"

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row,then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast! implants and Vi agra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The Navy decides to offer early-retirement bonuses to its personnel. The rule is that a volunteer picks two spots on his body and gets $1,000 for every inch in between.

One officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He is 6 feet 4 inches tall and so gets $76,000. A second, smarter, officer asks to be measured from the tip of his raised hand to his toes. He gets $96,000.

The third officer is a grizzled old captain. Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles, he demands. The medical officer in charge explains that this might not be very profitable.But the captain insists.

He drops trousers, and the medical officer places the tape measure on the tip of the captain penis and begins to work back. My God! the medical officer gasps, where are your testicles?

The captain replies, in Vietnam.

A man picked up an attractive woman who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.

She winked at him and said, "I'm a magician."

"No way," he scoffed. 'Prove it."

So she touched him on the thigh, and he turned into a motel.

Q: Whats happens when a wh*re house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

While at his doctor's trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from too much sex.

"How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks.

"Well I cannot stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I am not able to sleep at night", Jim reports.

"My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"!

So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and begins to feel much better. However Jim's addiction to sex is more then he can control, and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control, and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die, and there is nothing he can do for him. I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down, he said. All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes?

Jim says, "Yes Doctor, I do! I want you to promise me that when I die you will make sure I get cremated."

The Doctor agrees.

Jim continues, "Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and run me through one last time!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" Lowering herself into a chair beside him the wife says "Yes, I remember." The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" She replies softly, "I remember that too."

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.......... "I would have gotten out today."

Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it
again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off
a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and
a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice
safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in
common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in
common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
"aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and
pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist
colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is
the bird of true love?
A.The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and
rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get
up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy. His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy. His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother".

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira abuelita, I'm a white boy" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans."

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need

a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."


The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1. You only get hard once
2. You only get laid once
3. You only get eaten once
4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

My wife and two other women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

My wife quietly sipped her whiskey until one of her friend's asked, "So, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Two boys are playing football in the park of a small town in Texas .. Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar and twists it. Breaking the dog's neck, he saves his friend.

A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story. I'll title it 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal'... he said.

"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Texas , I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again.

He asks,"How does "'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack'...sound?"
"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for
the Aggie or the Longhorns. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks.


"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an OU fan," the boy replies.... "They're just the best!"
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:

"Little Red-necked Bastard From Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet!

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this!



1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts ARE just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; there are so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. Liberal Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries with That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original "point and click" was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and
says,"I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,"Doc,
what
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce,10
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts
cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,"Will that cure
me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your ass is for."

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest pleased
with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a
bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, "My bike."

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy b!tch!"

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another one". "That's it!!" She blows her top...."You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh shit! it's started."

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whøre.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown... but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey... and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny so, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''