Jokes & Humorous Stories

Bad Humor
The Mortician



A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the


longest private part he had ever seen!


"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.


He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.


The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.


"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Bad Humor
The New Baby



There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"


The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Bad Humor
The Wallyworld Greeter



A very dishevelled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wallyworld with her two kids in tow.


As she grabs a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?


"No," the woman snarls, "the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one, she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"


"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

M8

A blond sits down at a bar and said "Barkeep give me a martoony". Five minutes later the blond said "Barkeep give me another martoony". Ten minutes later the bartender asks the blond if she wanted another. The blond said "no thanks, they gave me heartburn. The bartender said "First, its not barkeep, its bartender. Second, its not martoony, its martini. And third its not heartburn, your tits in the ashtray.

M8

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!

Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find
the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.
Their domain name is:
[url]www.whorepresents.com[/url]

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at:
[url]www.expertsexchange.com[/url]

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
at:
[url]www.penisland.net[/url]

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
[url]www.therapistfinder.com[/url]

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator
company…
[url]www.powergenitalia.com[/url]

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales:
[url]www.molestationnursery.com[/url]

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s
always:
[url]www.ipanywhere.com[/url]

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.
Their website is:
[url]www.cummingfirst.com[/url]

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art
designers, and their whacky website:
[url]www.speedofart.com[/url]

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
website at:
[url]www.gotahoe.com[/url]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back," he replied. "I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

"Just wait until I get home," the doctor said, "and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.

The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

M8

Bad Humor
Father-Son Talk



"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."


"What words, dear?"


"Pussy and *****."


Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A ***** is a female dog, like our Sandy."


"Thanks, Mom."


He then found his Dad out in the garage.


"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."


"What words, son?"


"Pussy and *****. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning."


Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this ..." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."


"Okay, Dad. Then what's a *****?"


Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

[QUOTE=Warpig2000]

Here is a list of ten URLs with an unintended secondary meaning attatched to their names, often the implied meaning would be hobby-related if that were the intended purpose of the site....

[/QUOTE]

Very funny , W·p·2000

Almost as funny as *this* Post =

[URL]http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=418246&postcount=22[/URL]

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to a banquet, so they decided to give Jeeves, their butler, the night off. An hour later, the wife found the banquet to be quite boring so she left while her husband was still conversing with some of his friends. When she got home, she saw Jeeves sitting at the dining room table alone. She took him up to the master bedroom, and locked the door.

'Jeeves, take off my hat,' she said, which Jeeves promptly did. Next she told him to take off her jewelry and gloves, and he did. 'Jeeves, take off my dress,' she ordered, and he did what he was told. 'Jeeves, take off my bra and underwear,' she said, and he nervously followed her order.

'Jeeves,' she started, 'I never want to see you wearing my clothes again, or you're fired.' :D :D

[url]http://www.funnyplace.org/stream.php?id=2977[/url]

Funny video about LE making a street stop

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade — at any time of the year.

All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war — unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will suspend his star detective — or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

When turning off you bedroom light at night, the room will not become pitch dark. Instead everthing will have a light blue glow about it.

When being chased: When coming to a staircase, it is necessary to take the steps that go up.

You can go for days without ever having to go to the bathroom.

During any police investigation, it is necessary for the cops to stop at a strip club at least once.

When attempting to flee attackers, no car will start on the first 2 tries.

You can kill anybody by grabbing their head and twisting their neck a quarter turn.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

He soon realizes that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.