Jokes & Humorous Stories

[i]"-Undercover vice squad officers routinely come into contact with skeptical prostitutes wary that their prospective john may actually be a police officer. So, before discussing business, a hooker will often ask the purported sex-seeker to first expose himself, since that is a no-no for a cop."[/i]

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/cop-uses-rubber-penis-765432[/url]

In other news: [i]"Operation Hot Date."[/i]

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/craigslist-hooker-sweep-nets-28-women[/url]

WOMEN's DRINKS AND WHO THEY ARE.

Drink: Beer.

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks.

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Martinis.

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots.

Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk. And naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila.

No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

MEN'S DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE.

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He likes men

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a. M. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

OLD FIGHTER PILOT.

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of

Whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player

Wanted"

Sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said."I was an F-4E driver, flying

Out of Udorn back in ' Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the

Thrill was gone,

And soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at

AUSSIE-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it

Had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was

Falling off.

So, why not give him a try. The seedy pilot staggered his way over to

The piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his

Third bar of.

Music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of

Soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished

There wasn't.

A dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name

Of the song he had just played?

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For

You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he

Said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player

Just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that

Had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed

A second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called,"Big

Boobs Make My.

Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room

Was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his

Song,

"Spread 'them Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The

Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john. When he Came out

The bartender.

Went over to him and said,"Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you

Know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out.

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied,"Hell, I wrote it!"

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. M. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks,"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,"That would be my wife."

Clinton Lewinsky. The REAL Story.

For all of you that were so disturbed about tales of Clinton's infidelity you'll be relieved to read this! This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair.

Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking Mexican.

The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the Mexican cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees!

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Monica, Please sack my cook!"

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife!

Couldn't pass on sharing this quote!

Thought you would appreciate this!

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: 'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore? ' 'And so, here we are! '

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, got to go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a.

Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,"Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,"IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

They found where Bin Laden lived. And killed him.

They found where Gaddafi lived. And killed him.

Justin Bieber's address is:

825 Eighth Avenue.

28th Floor.

New York, NY 10019.

USA.

Just sayin.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform.

The other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Sue. Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then.

It's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun.

And then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be.

Proud. Lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then.

Pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back.

To the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I.

Catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over.

Again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!"

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going.

Fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!

Do you think I should change dentists?

Sometimes you just want a quick blowjob.

[url]http://www.redtube.com/8721[/url]

Charleston Daily Mail.

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Colorado Springs police say a man's girlfriend unexpectedly came home just before another woman was due to visit, so he called police to report his new acquaintance as a burglar.

The Gazette reports that Kevin Gaylor. 24, was cited with a misdemeanor of false reporting to authorities.

Police say Gaylor had invited a woman he met online to come to his home after 3 am Wednesday so they could get better acquainted, but his girlfriend came home first.

Police say that when the other woman arrived, Gaylor called police and falsely reported an intrusion.

[url]http://www.policeone.com/bizarre/articles/4560247-Colo-boyfriend-reports-his-date-as-burglar/[/url]

So a guy wanted to get a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his penis, so he went to a tattoo artist. The tattoo artist asked the guy why he really wanted to get a 100 dollar bill on his penis. And the guy said, for one I like to play with my money. For two, I like to watch my money grow and Third, my girlfriend can blow 100 bucks better than anyone else.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. ' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. '

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Happy Thanksgiving Guys

A woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember

Those? Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."?

"No more headaches?" the husband asks? 'What happened?"?

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to? Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat?

"I do not have a headache; ?

I do not have a headache?

I do not have a headache."?

It worked! The headaches are all gone."?

The husband replies,"Well, that's wonderful."?

His wife then says,"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"?

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom?

He puts her on the bed and says? "Don't move, I'll be right back."?

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before?

His wife says,"Boy, that was wonderful!"?

The husband says,"Don't move! I'll be right back."?

He goes back into the bathroom?

Comes back and round two was even better than the first time?

The wife sits up and her head is spinning?

Her husband again says?

Don't move, I'll be right back."?

With that, he goes back in the bathroom?

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom?

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying?

"She's not my wife?

She's not my wife?

She's not my wife."?

His funeral service will be held next Monday!

This is a enws story I found funny but true?

Zimbabwean man accused of bestiality says prostitute transformed into donkey.

By BNO News

A Zimbabwean court heard a bizarre excuse on Monday when a man accused of bestiality claimed he had hired a prostitute who transformed into a donkey overnight, local media reported on Wednesday.

Sunday Moyo. 28, was arrested at around 4 a. M. Local time on Sunday when officers on a routine patrol found him performing a sex act on a donkey in his yard in Zvishavane, a town in Midlands Province. The animal was lying on the ground and had been tied by the neck to a tree, according to the ZimEye news portal.

Moyo appeared in court on Monday but claimed he had no idea he was performing a sex act on a donkey."Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested," he said, as quoted by ZimEye.

"I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey," Moyo claimed, adding that he is now 'seriously in love' with the animal.

The court ordered Moyo to be examined by two government psychiatrists and remanded him in custody until Thursday on a charge of bestiality. Both bestiality and prostitution are illegal in Zimbabwe.

Once upon a time, a Man asked a beautiful young woman,"Will you marry me?"

She said,"NO!"

And the Man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged long-legged slender big tittied broads and hunted and fished and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and stayed out till sunrise and never heard bitching or complaining and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potatoes and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[QUOTE=Lurker X; 1312606]Once upon a time, a Man asked a beautiful young woman,"Will you marry me?"

She said,"NO!"

And the Man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged long-legged slender big tittied broads and hunted and fished and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and wine and stayed out till sunrise and never heard bitching or complaining and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate steak and potatoes and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end[/QUOTE]LOL ROFLMBAO. Lurker X, mine if I borrow this one?

CookyJar

I was flipping through my Brookstone catalog and came upon this innocent enough looking picture of a guy enjoying his massage chair as a cute woman walks past, supposedly impressed with the chair. However, my cro-magnon brain caught a glimpse of the woman's hand looking like it's stroking the guys fun area, and I laughed for a second, no wonder the guy is smiling. Did anyone else think the same thing?

[QUOTE=Nodak Boy;1313242]Did anyone else think the same thing?[/QUOTE]Until I saw her foot under the chair back, I thought it looked like she was straddling him.

Of course I honestly believe that this was unintentional and there was no thought to making this ad sexual in any way... ::eyeroll::

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it.

Under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold.

To drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and.

Asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? '

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up.

Under that shade tree. '

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to.

Be bred. '

'No way, ' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't.

Hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin. '

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your.

Dog wants to have sex! '

The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. '

After Daylight Savings Time ended last year I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him,"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back."

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. Pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. '

RANCHER: 'Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. '

GOV'T AGENT: 'That's the guy I want to talk to. The mentally challenged one. '

RANCHER: 'That would be me. '

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema.

Playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with.

Rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the.

Middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell.

Tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end.

[url]http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/[/url]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks,

"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,

"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,

"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

McDonald`s is letting it all out.

The man said to the dentist,"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go.

Deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time.

For the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,

And be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty.

Minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! '

The dentist thought to himself,"My goodness, this is surely a.

Very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled.

Without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him,"Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,"Open your mouth Honey,

And show him.

[u][b]EDITOR's NOTE[/b][/u]: [blue]This report was published with unnecessary [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] at the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is [u]NO[/u] [u]NEED[/u] for any report to be written with [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] at the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story), then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. [i]Thanks![/i][/blue]

Jackson,

This is one of the very few times I have to publicly disagree with you. Yes, the hard returns are disruptive, but the really major problem is the formatting tools used by the forum.

The automatic new line capitalization and other formatting (e. G, [b]This is one example of for the period issue[/b] auto spaces after periods, even when they are a decimal point or making URL links new lines even when they are part of a sentence) done by the software also make reading some posts difficult. It also makes typing a report equally difficult.

Now for people who copy and paste a story from their email, please do as Jackson says and remove the returns. But Jackson, please look at the other auto formatting problems.

[QUOTE=Gdlint; 1322035][u][b]EDITOR's NOTE[/b][/u]: [blue]This report was published with unnecessary [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] At the end of every line of text, resulting in the text being incorrectly broken up into separate, incomplete sentences.

There is [u]NO[/u] [u]NEED[/u] For any report to be written with [b][u]HARD[/u] [u]RETURNS[/u][/b] At the end of every line of text.

If you are adding these hard returns at the end of every line by using the ENTER key, then please stop. Instead, simply allow the text to "wrap" automatically at the end of each line when typing. The ENTER key is only needed to separate the paragraphs.

However, if the unnecessary hard returns were the result of you having pasted the text into the forum from another source (such as a news story) , then your option is to either edit out the unnecessary hard returns or don't paste the text.

Please do not post text with unnecessary hard returns in the Forum. [i]Thanks! [/i][/blue][/QUOTE]

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed. ' Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! ' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ' Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here? ' 'Not bad, ' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm going to explode! ' 'You're ovulating, ' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never, ' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen, ' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. ' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

Why Beer is Better than a woman.

Tattoo artist Ryan * from Dayton, was hit with a $100, 000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was 'at the artist's discretion. '

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan's friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

Sorry guys the photo would not upload.

[QUOTE=A John;1327555]Sorry guys the photo would not upload.[/QUOTE]Here ya go!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]155497[/ATTACH]

[QUOTE=A John; 1327555]Tattoo artist Ryan * from Dayton, was hit with a $100, 000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was 'at the artist's discretion. '

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan's friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

Sorry guys the photo would not upload.[/QUOTE]And it is all a pile of what we see on her back. .

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/poop-tattoo-story-is-crap-8764319[/url]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

And your point is?
Hence why its posted in the Thread: "Jokes & Humorous Stories"

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker; 1328085]And it is all a pile of what we see on her back. .

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/poop-tattoo-story-is-crap-8764319[/url][/QUOTE]