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All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama, South Carolina, Florida*and Tennessee sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Tennessee without a fight.
Before the senate let out for break, seantor Obama’s family arrived at the Capitol to pick him up. Senator McCain ran into them and one of Senator Obama’s daughters told him that soemday she was going to be president just like her father was.
Not wanting to bring up the fact that the election had not been held yet, Mccain asked her: "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow - what an admireable goal." he told her, "But you don't* have to wait*until you're President to do that. You can come over*to my house and*mow the lawn, pull weeds and clean up my yard.”
“Why would I want to do that?” was her quick reply.
“I'll pay you $50.” answered McCain
Her eyes lit up at the thought of making $50, but then she asked “But how does that help the homeless people have houses?”
McCain then replied, when you are done I will take you out and we will go find a homeless person. when we find him or her you can give him the $50 you worked for, and you can tell him he can use toward a new house."
She had to think that over for a few seconds.
With both her parents now listening in on the conversation she glared at senator McCain straight in the eye and asked:
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over to your house and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
McCain replied, "With thinking like that looks like you will be running as a Republican."
Today I had to replace light bulbs in the kitchen. But I felt a little clumsy standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor to help. Then I held the ladder while the bulbs were being replaced.
Getting older doesn't mean getting stupid....
[QUOTE=A John]Today I had to replace light bulbs in the kitchen. But I felt a little clumsy standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor to help. Then I held the ladder while the bulbs were being replaced.
Getting older doesn't mean getting stupid....[/QUOTE]John,
Call her to clear your plumbing! Oh Yeh!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. 0ARob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103. 2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20, 000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods =0 Amy whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but20I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. '
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends . We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'. ' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you?'
The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your tackle box .
PS
This is a joke but not realy. This happend too a friend after his return from Central America, so rember to look in too everything! We actually started chartering boats, taking about three or four days worth of close with us. Every time someone would catch a fish we would take photographs get the close fishy smelling then change into fresh ones giving us a few days of photographs of fishing.
[QUOTE=A John]
This is a joke but not realy. This happend too a friend after his return from Central America, so rember to look in too everything! We actually started chartering boats, taking about three or four days worth of close with us. Every time someone would catch a fish we would take photographs get the close fishy smelling then change into fresh ones giving us a few days of photographs of fishing.[/QUOTE]
You don't need to look into EVERYTHING -- just everything connected with your supposed activity. If you go "hunting" for a week, spend at least one day actually hunting! Your gun and gear will look used, you'll catch any "pajamas in the tacklebox", and with luck, you may even bring a rack home! Of course, if you don't know which end of a gun is which, "hunting" excuse won't fly.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing? ' She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that the prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free. '
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too.
I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
It's Mine
"Give it here!"
"NO. It's MINE!"
"I said, let me have it!"
"NO! It's MY turn!"
"C'mon! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"
(Siamese twins jacking off)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
Light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but
Was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, ' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
Of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted
With my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving
3 year-old grandson. At every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands full
with the kid
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same
for fruit,
cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a
controlled
voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy"
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a
couple more
minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and
gramps again in a
controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset --
we'll be home
in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".
Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the
groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business,
but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your
composure
and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would
be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".
"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name
is Johnny".
A penguin decided to migrate from the southern tip of South America to the Arctic Circle as he was driving through Arizona the air conditioning in his car stopped working and he began to sweat profusely. He pulled into a small town and found a mechanic. The mechanic assured him he would find the problem shortly. The penguin said he had to get something cold to eat or drink as he was burning up in the desert heat. The mechanic directed him to an ice cream shop around the corner. The penguin went in and ordered a large bowl of vanilla ice cream but he only had flippers and he could not manipulate the spoon so in desperation he just dove into the bowl with his face and slurped down the ice cream . When he returned to the garage the mechanic said " it looks like you just blew a seal " to which the penguin indignantly sputtered " I did not thats ice cream ".
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. in the morning, before Homer left the house
for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields for lunch,
they made love, after supper, they made love, Again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another
half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Fianlly Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor,
"Just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a
shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose
any field time."
They tired Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer
came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc.
"Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whatever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot
like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer, So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin season started!"
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set is to "*****" with & the other set is to "apologize" with.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive, a ton of shit.!