Jokes & Humorous Stories

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Like' with her.

But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. , he was convinced that it was true love.

And so. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, " Ed said to his newfound lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now! "

"Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes. You need to know that I'm a hooker"

"I see", Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because y ou're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks away from his home and leaving him in a park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: 'Jen, is the cat there?' 'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?' Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!'






The cat's response:

I bet this has happened

[url]http://thetube.watchersweb.com/thetube/mediadetails.php?key=3fac9b6ddafa3833c478&title=Hard+to+explain[/url]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Barack in his chair reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Michelle will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".

The second barber turned to John and said "how about you?"

McCain replied "Go ahead, my wife Cindy doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."

6 kids

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are
customer complaints.'

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He
said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll
be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
shit
but me."

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at
the same time."

She said ."You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

The Associated Press, 8/21/2008

MILWAUKEE --
Police say a 37-year-old Wisconsin woman celebrated her birthday by helping her 17-year-old son rob two gas stations.

Police say the mother acted as the getaway driver, while her son robbed the stations in Milwaukee and Greenfield, Wisconsin, at gunpoint.

Authorities say the teen was visiting from Chicago for his mother's birthday.

The woman's three other children, a 13-month-old girl and 10- and 14-year-old boys, were also in the vehicle. Greenfield Deputy Inspector Bradley Wentlandt says they've been turned over to the Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare.

Authorities say the woman and her 17-year-old son are being held at the Milwaukee County Jail. The district attorney hasn't yet filed charges. - rosco

BY CAROLYN P. SMITH, BND.com, 8/21/2008

EAST ST. LOUIS --
Police say a 19-year-old employee of a State Street grocery store was working at more than stocking shelves.

The suspect, whose identity was being withheld by police Wednesday pending charges, worked as a stocker at Schnucks, 2511 State St., police said. [u]He recently approached a customer and tried to sell him narcotics -- the customer happened to be a police officer.[/u] [color=brown]Does this guy have pork 'n' beans for brains {Lol}[/color]

"The officer was not in uniform and the suspect didn't recognize him as a policeman," Detective Sgt. Jerry Simon said.

The astonished officer exchanged his phone number with the suspect, left the store, then reported the incident to the police department, Simon said.

Simon and Detective Andre Henson who works with an [b]FBI task force[/b] [color=brown][Now he's in real trouble][/color], handled the investigation.

The officer, whose identity also is being withheld, set up a drug buy from the suspect Tuesday afternoon.

"They scheduled a meeting time," Simon said. "On his break, the suspect came out of the store, got into the undercover policeman's car and sold him some crack cocaine and ecstasy."

Other officers, who were in a waiting position on the store's parking lot moved in and arrested the suspect at 7:30 p.m. The suspect is an East St. Louis resident, and had worked at the store for about nine months, Simon said.

Simon said management at the store "was very cooperative."

"They do not condone this kind of activity at their store," [color=brown][They don't?][/color] Simon said.

The suspect was being held Wednesday at the East St. Louis Police Department pending charges. - rosco

The request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Mr. John: as the attorney for Mr. P. Niss let's be honest, Mr P. Niss is only in this job for himself. He provides no benefit to V. Gina except to plant seeds.

In light of that, Mr. Niss has agreed to allowing his assistant, Mr. Ton-gue to take on the most important task of giving V. Gina assistance in the area of gratification enhancement.

Please review the attached addendum to his employment agreement which allows Mr Ton-gue to get involved on a regular bases from now on.

I see no reason for V. Gina to take further action against Mr. Niss.

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had caught just two fish. Obama’s supporters were certain their man could beat this small number

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain had a much better day he returned with 5 fish. Obama repeated his performance from the previous day and once again had caught no fish.

That evening, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, we think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' bastard. We want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating." Obama said “I always thought McCain was honourable, but I’ll watch him just to make sure.”

The next night (after John McCain had a much better day returning with 10 fish), Harry and Nancy confromted Obama, "Well, tell us, how is John McCain cheating?"

Obama replied, "You two were right! McCain is cheating I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but he's cutting holes in the ice!"

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the f irewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

My internist referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, ' Because I'm trying to examine you...'

You better go pee before you read this one! I want one! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inchs long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE HELL! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

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