Jokes & Humorous Stories

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[size=-2][u][b]EDITOR's NOTE[/b][/u]: [blue]This report was orginally written in [u]ALL CAPITAL LETTERING[/u] and thus it was edited it to normal case lettering. In the future, please do not write reports in ALL CAPITAL LETTERING. [i]Thanks![/i][/blue][/size]

[blue]======================================

Hi A John,

I sincerely appreciate your contributions to the forum, but...

[red][u]Would you please refrain from WRITING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS![/u][/red]

It's difficult to read and it's time consuming to fix.

On behalf of myself and your fellow Forum Members: [i]Thank You![/i]

Jackson[/blue]

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old. " Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex! "

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then. Maybe. "

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office. His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz. ' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name? "

"Uh. Doc, just make it 'To Whom It May Concern'.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.
The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, 'Aye,aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'. He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:
A candidate may promise change in Washington but don't count on things smelling any better.

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! "

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I WON, I WON! "

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll? " The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching. "

Moral of the Story.

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days. " The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms. " The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days. " The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer. " The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Men Are Just Happier People...

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut , blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year. Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Senator McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president, if if lived that long. Senator Obama would be 54 after two terms and the taxpayers whould thus be on the hook for paying his pension for 26 years (assuming he also lived to age 80). he would thus receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

How's that for non partisan thinking???

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him. "

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued. "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. "

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued. "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely. " All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is *sternum*.

The Associated Press

LONGVIEW, Texas --
A 35-year-old Texas woman has been jailed after police say she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar.

Police in Longview say they watched a minivan turn into a driveway without signaling on Wednesday and bump into a home at a low speed. They say the car was driven by Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg's daughter.

Police say the girl told an officer she had just dropped her mother off at a bar. They say they found Rosenburg at the bar and that she admitted having her daughter drive her there.

Rosenburg remains in the Gregg County Jail on a $2,500 bond. A jail official declined to say whether she had an attorney.

A spokeswoman for Child Protective Services told the Longview News-Journal that the agency is investigating.

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. And if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely, Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms.

I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "

"We're taking Continental", was the reply. "We got a great rate! " "Continental? " exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? "

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste. " "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there? "

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. "

"That's rich, " laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. "

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful, " explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge! "

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope. "

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. "

"Oh, really! What'd he say? "

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo? "

Last night we went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month, they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good ole days....

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Denton to avoid the heat.

Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later.

For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced..............

That is, until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

Well, that's another story.....................

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.*

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.*

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small .*

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?* A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.*

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17... Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your
troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !