Jokes & Humorous Stories

[QUOTE=Baltimonger; 1122264]You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:

McDonald's does not serve chicken wings! [/QUOTE]McDonald's served "Mighty Wings" from 1990 to 2003.

[QUOTE=Shazbot1960;1121356]Brillant stuff but this is an erotic site. If you find Bob Nelson erotic you need help.[/QUOTE]This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".

[QUOTE=Lucky Gene;1122769]This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".[/QUOTE][url]Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WXSW5w_8Xg[/url]

Ok then, here is a funny clip. Lets make this America's Funniest Home Videos & ignore the webiste name. USA Sex guide. My mistake.

[QUOTE=Baltimonger; 1122264]You would think whoever came up with that would at least know:

McDonald's does not serve chicken wings![/QUOTE]Media people often mis-speak about things they pretend to be knowledgeable on.

I once saw a local, Miami news dummy hold up a Glock on camera and call it a 9mm service revolver.

[QUOTE=Lucky Gene;1122769]This is "Jokes & Humorous Stories" . Not "Erotic Jokes and Humorous Stories".[/QUOTE]Maybe so, but this is an 'erotic' site as such.

[url]http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf[/url]

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker;1122989]Maybe so, but this is an 'erotic' site as such.[/QUOTE]So? Are you suggesting this thread be policed to keep out "non-erotic" jokes?

We've had enough difficulty getting political drivel removed, even though those boundaries continue to be pushed. Choose your battles.

[QUOTE=Lucky Gene; 1123114]So? Are you suggesting this thread be policed to keep out "non-erotic" jokes?

We've had enough difficulty getting political drivel removed, even though those boundaries continue to be pushed. Choose your battles. [/QUOTE]No, I am stating this is an erotic site, so 'erotic jokes', whether you like it or not, should not be a problem. Many of the jokes already posted are 'erotically' inclined.

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker;1123148]No, I am stating this is an erotic site, so 'erotic jokes', whether you like it or not, should not be a problem. Many of the jokes already posted are 'erotically' inclined.[/QUOTE]Maybe you should take a deep breath and re-read my original comment about this.

I was pointing out that this forum was not titled in such a way as to prevent NON-erotic jokes. I was simply saying that NON-erotic jokes and links to NON-erotic comedy routines should be just as welcome here as erotic jokes.

Understand now?

Sometimes there's a good reason to run from the cops.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAH0rImQozQ[/url]

The translation at the end of this clip indicates it's an ad for an optician.

[url]http://www.redtube.com/4541[/url]

Mathematics.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100% What does it mean to give MORE than 100% Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100. How about achieving 103% What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And.

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E.
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

Another resaon to use one.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5mp2sU9TU4&NR=1[/url]

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

The Sheer Nightgown.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy) , 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. '

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it! '

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are Interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

-

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

-

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is

That true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

-

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

-

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

-

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

-

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

-

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term

Memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

-

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

-

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

-

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they

Enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

-

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor,

Road side assistance in Pakistan.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-XYqaUwabY[/url]

Today's word is. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was.

Trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . . She asked the.

Teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says,"Fluc you white people too"

Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url]

A test at an Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

The girl named Lateshia says,"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

[QUOTE=A John; 1126432]Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url]

[/QUOTE]YFH use to be a great way to post vids, but it seems their server is over loaded.

The links don't work most times unless you catch them at a slow time.

John that sorry ass site is a waste of readers time. The link almost never works. The joke may be finny but it looses something if they are out of bandwidth and all you get is a blank screen. Your jokes may be entertaining but your video links suck IMHO.

Gdlint

[QUOTE=A John; 1126432]Finally a game show I understand.

[url]http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=caramel_dip.wmv[/url][/QUOTE]

Q: How do you surprise Helen Keller?

A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,"Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Good luck finding the guy in the camo.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjKe9WEpRcY[/url]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman,"back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e.g., No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the [url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769]post[/url] that got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again.

[QUOTE=Seva Lurker; 1127782]I've debated on responding to this for a day or so, finally decided why not.

Around the 16th, Lucky Gene and I exchanged some comments that were bordering on becoming a flame war. Following Jackson's policy (e. G, No Flaming: Please do not post any messages that harrass, insult, belittle, threaten or flame another member.) , I took my final comments off line.

So Lucky Gene, yes, I do have the 'balls' to post publicly, I also have the good sense to know when to take comments off line. So, though I have read and reread the.

[url=http://www.usasexguide.info/forum/showthread.php?4207-Jokes-amp-Humorous-Stories&p=1122769&viewfull=1#post1122769]post[/url]

That got me started several times, I still do not understand what you THINK you were saying and as I said in my PM I really don't think you do either. Maybe if you had not 'titled' you post it would have made some semblance of sense, but taken as a whole it does not.

That said, I'll complete my "high-and-mighty" PM comment "SHUT UP and leave it alone". Respond as much as you care to, I will not bother with this again. [/QUOTE]Inflated egos like yours have an insatiable need for the last word. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with my previous comment about what "kinds" of jokes are acceptable here. Why can't you let it go?

As you can see, I let it go. I went back to posting jokes (ok, one joke). Is that so hard?

Well, I'm happy to know that you won't bother with this again. You shouldn't have opened your big mouth to begin with.

Man Sues Escort Service Over Sex Act.

[url]http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/man-sues-escort-service-over-sex-act[/url]

"New Yorker claims 'psycotic disorder' over encounter."

In a lawsuit filed earlier this month in USA District Court in Manhattan, Hubert Blackman, a 22-year-old East Harlem resident, alleges that the Las Vegas Exclusive Personals escort 'broke the law' during a December 17 encounter. Blackman's civil rights complaint seeks reimbursment of the $275 he paid the escort, as well as 'a $1. 8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened. '

Handjob inventor Fred Gilgoff describes the inspiration for the two-person masturbation technique.

[url]http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-day-in-history-the-invention-of-the-handjob,18907/[/url]

Blog: Original Handjob Patent Document.
[url]http://www.theonion.com/articles/original-handjob-patent-document,18895/[/url]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines."Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says."It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something."How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines."The Viagra," he says,"really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again."No," he says,"it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says,"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

(Note: This isn't really a joke but I didn't know where else to put this report)

Julia, a 25 year old.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]121864[/ATTACH]

Sex worker with a very sweet voice is now hosting a new internet radio show titled "The Common Prostitute". She is an escort / porn actress / dancer in Canada and the URL is [url]http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecommonprostitute[/url]

You can go to this website for free. Search for the show title "thecommonprostitute" and you can see the schedule for upcoming live broadcasts during which you can call her on the phone. Also during a live broadcast you can type in her chat room, but first you have to set up a free blogtalkradio. Com account (with a screen name & password). You can also listen to previously recorded "On Demand" episodes for free.

Rabbit gets some pussy.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAn2UFXSsgw&feature=related[/url]

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.

"It's going to be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.

"How can you tell?" says the other.

"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.

"Sorry", her friend replied," I just burped!"

One year after retiring, a man goes to the Dr. For a check up.

The Dr. Says,"Everything checks out OK, your heart, lungs, liver, etc, but one thing I can't figure out is, why your penis is Orange. Tell me what's your daily routine, now that you've retired."

The man paused, thought, and said."Mostly nothing, I just sit around the house all day. Watching Porn and eating Cheetos.

Tim Tebow, former Florida Gators quarterback, and now the Denver Broncos quarterback has NEVER fumbled!

In 2007 Florida 's Tim Tebow was awarded the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, the first time ever the award has gone to a second year player.

In addition to his amazing passing, running and TD stats is the fact that he has NEVER fumbled the ball! How is he able to hold on to the football so well? What grip does he use?

Tim's grip training technique was inspired by his girlfriend, of 2.

Years, Amber.

"I really have to say, with her help and training support, I have been able to strengthen my grip, with either hand, even if I barely have any piece of the ball in my hand"

Note the grip on the football shown here!

"But I feel that I can still improve my game if I stick with Amber's.

Training method just one more year"

Introducing the Amazing Tim Tebow Grip Master Training System!

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to

Jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you

Doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an

Opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Blow Job?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep Blow Job.

After she's finished, the biker says,"Wow! That was the best Blow Job I have

Ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join in your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,"Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said,"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said,"I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened! ' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure. I think she might have choked! '