Jokes & Humorous Stories

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad
day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
_____________________________
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
_______________________________
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What the hell was I thinking?'
__________________________________
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
___________________________________
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
___________________________________
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
_______________________________________
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
_______________________________________
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
_______________________________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
______________________________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
_______________________________________
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
______________________________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
______________________________________
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
____________________________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
______________________________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
______________________________________
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
_____________________________________
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Cons ervative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple e and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give hi m a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

18-54 math



A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore , after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know I am a Math Teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18-years-old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.

At first I said, "Naaahhh. "

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought. Hell.- I could win this thing!

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had
an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said,
'You have the crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the
crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and
explained her problem to him.

The doctor said,
'You probably have the crabs'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty
year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third
doctor.

She said, 'Doctor can you help
me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is
the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the
crabs.'

The doctor
said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed,

'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.'

'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit
flies.'

On the breasts of A barmaid from Wales
Was the prices of Spirits and Ales-
And on her behind
(For the Sake of the Blind)
Was the Same- But written in Braille ! :D

Only an Alabama man can make a woman feel like a woman!!!!!

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane And screamed,

"I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Alabama named "Billy Bob" stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask yo u a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Rep. said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep. running for
the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on
the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

Your card! Show him your card!'

A Touching Home Depot Story
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot,' she exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a dif ferent note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! "

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday, it's unlikely the body will be found.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.



Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

How Men and Women experience orgasm ...



[url]http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html[/url]