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Scientists no closer to finding right answer to ‘do you think she looks pretty?’
Scientists no closer to finding right answer to ‘do you think she looks pretty?’
Despite almost a decade of research and millions of pounds of funding, scientists at Loughborough University’s Department of Nuptial Studies have admitted that they have yet to find a satisfactory answer to a question that has vexed married men for centuries: ‘do you think she looks pretty?’.
‘It’s a conundrum that can be sprung on a husband at any time,’ explained lead scientist Michael Stevens, ‘it could arise while watching the television, at the wedding of a friend or relative, or even while trying to look inconspicuous holding a handbag outside the ladies’ changing room in Monsoon. And the reaction caused by a miscalculation can be explosive. It’s no wonder so many of my colleagues prefer to closet themselves away in the less controversial areas of the Large Hadron Collider and human cloning.’
The question, known in scientific circles as Hemmingway’s Slapped Face Conundrum, was initially postulated in 1869 by Professor Theodore Hemmingway, a prominent academic subjected to a scandalous divorce case after replying ‘compared with your countenance, Madam, the Grand Old Man Gladstone is a veritable stunnah.’ Yet it would not be the subject of in-depth study until the then-married Dr Stevens initiated the Nuptial Studies programme in 2001, after a particularly trying morning at home watching the omnibus of Hollyoaks.
Thousands of volunteer couples have since undergone a series of role-play based scenarios to test the efficacy of suitable retorts, but with little success. Results have shown that ‘ooh look at those lovely geraniums’ results in, at best, a frosty silence, and is usually undermined by the male subject’s sudden onset drooling; the catty ‘not in that trouser suit, dear,’ only diverts the wife’s suspicions to other elements of the husband’s proclivities which, when combined with an admission of quite liking Bette Midler, can lead to quiet weeping and suggestions ‘it’s like uncle Kevin all over again’. Meanwhile the low-point of the entire programme followed 2006 testing of the ‘well she’s not as attractive as your sister’ rejoinder, after which the entire lab had to be evacuated.
Despite these setbacks Dr Stevens is confident that his work will continue. ‘There’s an entire universe of loaded questions we need to explore,’ he insisted, ‘this work won’t be completed until man can be secure in answering the other big questions like ‘does this make me look fat?’, ‘if I died would you re-marry?’ and ‘have you been wearing my underwear again?’.
Chocolate covered condoms!
usually i like my bj's sans condoms, but chocolate covered condoms, well i guess i can see how it works for her!
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEOzZ1GkGO8[/url]
Why I Don't Attend High School Reunions....
Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Lois walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southamptonon Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Gene. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Lois says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
T.G.I.F. T-Shirt...On a BLOND!
A blonde goes out with some friends on a Monday night wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
A guy looking to start a conversation with the blond asks, why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
With s look of embarrassment, the blond says, I did not realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant - 'Tits Go In Front.''
Coach who inspired Lynyrd Skynyrd band name dies
[url]http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2010/09/lynyrd-skynyrd-coach-dies/1[/url]
You'll wonder how he captured this video
[url]http://www.flixxy.com/bear-animal-nature-film.htm[/url]
Drowned Man found in the Detroit River
The United States Coast Guard reported the body of a man found dead off of Belle Isle in the Detroit River very early yesterday morning. The victim was a white male, age 42, 5' 7" tall and weighing 155 lbs. The victim was found wearing a blond wig, fishnet stockings, red pumps, a black cocktail dress and had smudged mascara and lipstick from floating in the river. The victim was under the influence of barbiturates and alcohol at the time of death. He also had a dildo lodged his up rectum and was wearing a Detroit Lions Jacket.
The family of the deceased has asked that we not release the fact that he was wearing the Lions jacket out of embarrassment...
Public School.1957 vs.2007
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007. School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957. Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007. Police called and SWAT team arrives. They arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957. Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007. Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007. Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957. Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007. The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957. Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007. Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957. Ants die.
2007- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents. And all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007. Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
RE: Public School.1957 vs.2007
Yup, thanks to the feminization of our society.
Punishment To Fit The Crime
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers.
En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes.
'Say, ' said Hanson, 'what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker? '
'Oh gosh, ' replied Forbes, 'five or six bucks tops. '
A woman saw a toad in a trap.
A woman saw a toad in a trap. The toad said he would grant her three wishes if she freed him from the trap. She did and the toad offered her the first wish. The toad warned, however, that anything she wished for would also go to her husband, but he would receive it tenfold.
For her first wish she asked to be made the richest woman in the world. The toad reminded her that this would make her husband ten times richer and she said that would be okay because half of what he had would be hers anyway, whereupon the toad made them both richer.
For her second wish she asked to be made the most beautiful woman in the world. Again the road reminded her that her husband would be more handsome by ten. She said that would be okay because as the most beautiful woman in the world, he would have eyes only for her. The toad then made them beautiful and handsome with the husband more handsome by ten.
Then the toad asked about her third wish. After thinking a bit, the woman said she wanted a mild heart attack.
This doesn't end the way you think it does. Her husband had a heart attack ten times as mild as hers.
