Jokes & Humorous Stories

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At HD Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No, but I will for the faucet."

... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had be! en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Del' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

So simple yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.'

What do you call a Mexican hooker that doesnt charge?

A Freeholey!

A husband emerged from the bathroom, naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual ... "I have a headache".

"Perfect", her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with crushed asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to
you!"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked
up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and
proceeded to walk the old girl home

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ."

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double". A mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night. "

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:

"Mom! You still awake? "

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club, and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. Most advanced players find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.

13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

14. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

15. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled; particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

16. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

17. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.


As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

Elections from an Irish Point of View

"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking rich woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What the hell are you lads thinking over there? "

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.....God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'