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If you see a fat man... Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away,
while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along, then let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
Wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini
Line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
Instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her
Left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
Getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
Could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your
Thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
A blast from the past
Dean Martin & Foster Brooks
I thought maybe someone would like this one
Click here: YouTube - Dean Martin & Foster Brooks
(if this link doesn't work trying to one below)
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UDCoQnXjA[/url]
Why did the blonde ask her gynecologist for birth control pills?
Somebody told her that she was fucking herself.
Double Nickle
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is
as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"
"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"
"Top 20 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You"
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the
Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your butt.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Bad Humor
How A Xmas Tradition Began
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house of a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.
Bad Humor
Keep That Old Motor Running
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the old man. "This is amazing," she said. "How did you do it at your age?"
"Simple," he answered. "You've got to keep that old motor running!"
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said to the old man, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
"Simple," he replied. "You've got to keep the old motor running!"
The following year she again gave birth.
The nurse said, "You must be quite a man!"
"You've just got to keep that old motor running!" said the old man.
"Well, you had better change the oil," said the nurse. "This one's Chinese..."
Bad Humor
The Army Physical
A reserve troop was called up for duty and went in for his physical wearing a truss. With a little convincing acting, he got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend who was also called up, borrowed the truss to wear for his physical.
At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.
"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.
"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
What do Saddam Hussein and Ron Jeremy have in common?
They're both well hung.
[b]And now for the headlines:[/b]
Saddam Hussein officially starts his homosexual relationship with Satan
Tired of waiting...Saddam at the end of his rope.
Jesus: "Hey Saddam, wanna hang out?"
Castro's doctors give Saddam a clean bill of health
In other news, virgins in Heaven are crying today. Short straw gets Saddam.
Saddam dead. Iraqi Information Minister confirms report, saying, "Saddam is not dead"
Saddam Hussein: taller, quieter.
Saddam killed by Weapon Of Singular Destruction
Saddam Hussein dead. Gallows humor still alive and well
Saddam, Does your body hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?
Mass suicide leaves 72 virgins dead
The history of Jack Schitt...
Funny as hell.
[url]http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm[/url]
[url]http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2673381/share[/url]
Tis a funny link.
Blind date with a crack *****
Some Redneck Etiquette Rules
***IN GENERAL***
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
***DINING OUT***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods
***DATING (Outside the Family)***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
***WEDDINGS***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
***DRIVING ETIQUETTE***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
What is the smallest motel in the world?
The pussy, you have to leave your bags outside.
Bad Humor
At The Restaurant
My wife and I were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. She kept glancing over at him throughout the meal.
Finally, I said, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replied. "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
I said, "That's remarkable. I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
She hasn't spoken to me since.
Q. Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A. Because there's no fu**ing overhead
Bad Humor
Mistakes
"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner.
"Definitely not," answered his preacher.
"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.
"Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor.
"Well, in that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you for my wedding last year?"
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on but you can't sleep with a hard on.
Two European business dudes returned to the Tokyo whorehouse they had visited earlier in a state of great rage.
"I was here last week and caught a case of the clap!" he shouted at the
mamasan.
"Toyota," said the mamasan.
"What the hell does that mean, Toyota?" asked the enraged customer.
She smiled and said, "You asked for it, you got it!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it."
(Editorial Note: Of course, who hasn't paid big time on occassion for a love that was lost?!)
Hello,,,
This is said at the front door often wearing bra & miniskirt, no panties.
You been here before?
You want Massagee? Always pronounce the e in massage as long e. $60 house She's not in real estate. This is just the entry/door charge.
Wow, you very strong. When she comes back to the room and sees you naked. You may be a runt. It means you have a big penis. Not all girls say this (or maybe it is just they don't all say it to me).
You want shower? Meaning a table shower.
Ulie Facedown Username of an esteemed RI member. Also position to assume.
Turnover Not the dessert pastry. Roll over, rover.
You like? (as she gently touches penis) Say no and say bye bye to extras.
Get up Off the shower table so she can towell you off [repeat Ulie Facedown, Turnover for massage]
What you Want? If you just look stupid, easy for some of us, you may get:
You want Everything? Meaning at least CBJ and FS.
Upayminow Not a town in Pennsylvania. She wants you to pay her now.
More Ante up, you cheap bastard.
Over? Not the end. She wants to know if you want a turn on top.
You pop? She's not asking if you're a father. Have you come/cum yet?
I'll be back An Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation or she's getting a hot towel.
You come back see me soon You're so lucky having sexy me service you.
Bye Bye He likes me, he really likes me. Sally Fields move over.
K-girls speak their 2nd or 3rd language much better than we mongers speak our first. Monger responses: um, Hi,, um, yes, um, OK, um, thanks..55
[QUOTE=Headfirst]THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it."
(Editorial Note: Of course, who hasn't paid big time on occassion for a love that was lost?!)[/QUOTE]It is better to have paid for it and sent it home than to have loved and lost.
LoveLOS
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail marks in the sand.
Today being me and the Mrs. wedding anniversary and it was 3 pm already and I had forgot all about it she said I'm going shopping and when I get home there better be a big box in the driveway with something that goes 0-200in 6 seconds.Well later when she arrived there it was,she couldnt wait so she tore into the box and found a set of bathroom scales. Shes my ex-wife now.
Men Strike Back !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.-
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
God created woman perfect from the waist up, from the waist down was man made by an italian, who else would put a shit house next to a snack bar.
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be? "
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet? "
"You have had two wishes already, " the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left. "
"Okay, " said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads. "
"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind, " said the genie as he granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too! "
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself, " Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry. "
The policeman fainted.
The World's Shortest Books:
***********************
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno _________________________________________________
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass) ____________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
_________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
______________________________________
DELICIOUS SPOTTED
OWL RECIPES
b y PETA
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Lies I've told the American People
by George W. Bush
Ways to Steal from the American TaxPayer
by Haliburton Press
Buckshot Removal for Dummies
by Dick Cheney
I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Rush Limbaugh
No, I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Donald Rumsfeld
and a children's book:
What does "deluded" mean?
by George W. Bush
[QUOTE=Crash11]
No, I'm the Most Arrogant, Deluded Prick in the World
by Donald Rumsfeld
I met Joe Theismann he takes the cake
The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says, "The same as the short ones."
There is a morning radio show where the host calls a husband and asks three questions, next the host calls the wife and asks the same questions. If she answers the same as her husband did, then the couple wins a prize. The story goes as follows.
First, the host called the husband.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Husband: "3 times a week"
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Husband: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
Husband: "In the kitchen."
Then the host called the wife, while leaving the husband connected.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Wife: "3 times a week."
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Wife: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
The wife hesitates...
Husband (intervening): "Go ahead Honey, its OK."
Wife (sheepishly): "In the ass...."
What do you call an Iraq hooker?
Sandy
A woman walks into an accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need
to ask you a few questions." He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
"I'm a wh*re," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,
"No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase
that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last
year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
[QUOTE=Headfirst]There is a morning radio show where the host calls a husband and asks three questions, next the host calls the wife and asks the same questions. If she answers the same as her husband did, then the couple wins a prize. The story goes as follows.
First, the host called the husband.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Husband: "3 times a week"
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Husband: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
Husband: "In the kitchen."
Then the host called the wife, while leaving the husband connected.
Host: "How often do you have sex?"
Wife: "3 times a week."
Host: "When is the last time you had sex?"
Wife: "This morning."
Host: "Where?"
The wife hesitates...
Husband (intervening): "Go ahead Honey, its OK."
Wife (sheepishly): "In the ass...."[/QUOTE]
See here for more on this story:
[url]http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp[/url]
[QUOTE=A John]The World's Shortest Books:
***********************
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________
[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of a long-standing prank on google's search engine. Go to [url]www.google.com[/url] enter [i]french military victories[/i] into the search engine, then hit "I'm feeling lucky".
Try it with [i]liar[/i] & [i]failure[/i] too.