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Bad Humor
Magician
A guy was drinking alone at the bar when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat beside him.
After talking and sharing a few drinks, she said, "Want to play 'Magician'?"
"I'm up for almost anything," he answered, " but what's 'Magician'?"
She smiled and said, "That's where you come to my room, have sex, and then you disappear!"
Bad Humor
Do You Want To Go To Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said,
"I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Bad Humor
Electrifying!
Several Southern girls were sitting on the front porch one lazy afternoon discussing life when the topic turned to sex.
Each related just how drab hers was, until it was Roberta's turn.
"Oh, ours? It's... electrifying," said Roberta, sipping her mint julep.
The others were surprised.
"Electrifying? How so?" they asked.
"Well, once I'm on top, he sticks his finger in a light socket," explained Roberta. "It's like riding a mechanical bull, except the ride lasts longer!"
A drunk walks into a bar room, with a frog on his head.
Where the hell did you get that, the bartender asked?
Oh! it started as a pimple on my ass the frog said.
At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Read with a *severe* Newfoundland Accent for best effect eh...
2 Newfies are sitting on a bench and have nothing better to do, so they decide to go ahead and get high. Bob, the first Newfie pulls out his kit, ties off the tourniquet, shoots up, and wouldn't you know it, he's as high as a kite.
Tom looks at Bob and says its good stuff eh? Let me have a run with it. An so Tom goes ahead, ties off, shoots up, and wouldn't you know it, now there are 2 stoned Newfies sitting on a bench, high as kites.
So Bob says to Tom, "Dude, I'm really fucked up, and now I'm kind of sad too."
Says Tom, "Oh no! Why are you blue eh?"
Says Bob, "Well you see, I just found out I have AIDS, and I shot up. Then you shot up, and now you're going to have AIDS too."
Tom starts laughing hysterically, doubling over and patting Bob on the back.
"Oh don't you worry about me man. I'm fine, in fact I'm finer than fine. I'm wearing a condom!"
A farmer from Iowa comes home from a night on the town and wakes his wife by loudly staggering into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, proclaiming "This is the pig I fuck when your not in the mood!"
His wife grogilly looks at him, very unimpressed, and replies "That ain't no pig, you old drunk. That's a sheep".
"Shut up, Pig!" , says the farmer, "I was talking to the sheep".
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples?" ,"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
M8
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably *The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's* *wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,*
After all these years. The word was "**Celebrate"
M8
A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop,
goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her.
To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh-very high up.
"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word 'Thanksgiving'
under it." Then she points to her right inner thigh-just as high up-and says,
"On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel,
and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word 'Christmas.'"
The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, "Lady, it's none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that?"
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
M8
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm fucked now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"
M8
A doctor makes love to his patient. As the day goes on he starts to have second thoughts. " Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get sued? He breaks out into a sweat, he can't concentrate on his patients, he is on the verge of a panic attack!
Just then, the voice in his head started talking..." You're not the first doctor to make love to his patient, you're not the last doctor to make love to his patient. You're single, you're young, it's OK! It's just OK!! He started to calm down then the other voice in his head, the one that always snaps him back to reality piped up "But doctor. You're a veterinarian!
M8
Bad Humor
Fascinate
A grade school teacher in Minnesota asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
"That was good," the teacher said, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
"Well, that was good Sally," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight."
It was then that the teacher sat down and cried.
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window .. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says :"I'm 25, sir."
The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
BBB
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
M8